The long road ahead....but you can get there

I haven't been on here or posted in years. Mostly because I moved on with my life. Just some insight forthose very early in the process.

Getting to your Why, is probably the most important thing. You will need to identify what caused you to act in this way. For me it was complete and total self destruction. I hated myself, and had for a very long time. In my mind, most others around me hated me as well. This stemmed from a lot of childhood trauma.

When I went into complete self destruct mode I wanted to die. For me that is what caused it. I wanted everyone to hate me as much as I hated myself. Then if they could see "the real me" then I would be free to end my own life because no one would miss me. Including my wife.

I got drunk (like 10+ drinks in one night drunk), and I had a one night stand. I woke up panicked, and a coward. I had gone through with my self destruction, but was now too scared to complete the process by telling my wife. I wanted to die, but was afraid to at the same time. I prayed to God to give me a heart attack or end my life in a terrible traffic accident, because i was too much of a coward to do it myself.

when Months went by and that didn't happen. I confessed to my wife. I was convinced that she would hate me, and this would "set me free." It would give me the "courage" to finally end my own life and end my pain.

However, that didn't happen. We went to church. She forgave me. I went to counseling and invested a lot of time at the church.

Almost 4 years later I feel healed. Not only from my childhood trauma, but my own self destruction. The scars of what happened are still there. The pain can still be felt, but it no longer controls me. I have no desire to go back to that dark place, and have chosen to move forward. I have equated it to putting your hand on a hot stove. Once you have done it once, you don't have any desire to feel that pain again. Also dealing with your own trauma and demons is never an excuse to cause trauma to someone you love.

So if you are new to this. Find your why. Find out what caused you to do this. Then, move forward.

0 comment posted: Friday, November 12th, 2021