DDay May 2015
BH (me): 38 on DDay
EXWW (her): 37 on DDay - at least 3 PA
False R, separated May 2020
Divorced January 2021

How do you break up with someone?

I haven't been on here for a few years. This site was great for me when I first found out, when I was recovering from d-day, and when I tried R in an attempt to hold things together for my daughters. Now, two years after separating and one year after finalizing my divorce, I have spent the last two weeks agonizing over an unexpected dilemma that I find myself completely unequipped to deal with. And, in a moment of inspiration, I thought I might turn to the site that has helped me navigate so many emotional and relationship struggles.

I started seeing a wonderful lady just over 4 months ago. She is truly amazing, incredibly successful in her career (my father who was her former boss refers to her as a force of nature), kind, intelligent, and beautiful, and she is head over heels for me. I just don't feel the same for her. I see how amazing she is, and I feel no spark or chemistry. I have started to dread being around her, talking to her on the phone, or even receiving a text from her.

I feel constantly attacked. If she texts in the middle of the day while I am at work and I don't respond within minutes, I will get a wall of multi-paragraph texts explaining how cruel and selfish I am being. If I do not call her often enough or early enough or at the right time (yesterday she was upset that I did not call to wish her good luck before she went into an important meeting) she gets angry and tells me how she thinks I am supposed to behave. She has this specific inflexible view of how a relationship should look and she is attempting to force her ideal onto me. If ever I disagree with her she tells me I just don't know what a successful relationship looks like. And my personal biggest annoyance, when we disagree she makes it personal, instead of discussing the issue she makes personal attacks. In short, I have had enough. There is absolutely no part of me that wants to stay in this relationship.

Some difficulties with breaking up:
The timeline - I work from two locations so we are long-distance much of the time. The next time I will see her is this weekend when she is traveling to my place. After that, the next time we see each other is on a week-long trip. I am feeling that breaking up after four months requires an in-person conversation, and it seems wrong to break up after she has driven 4 hours to see me and even worse to do it on a trip. It also seems wrong to waste her time and continue dating when I have no intention of staying in the relationship. One of the first things she told me when we started seeing each other was that she was tired of being alone and didn't want to have her time wasted on a relationship that goes nowhere. It feels like no matter when I choose I will feel like a jerk for choosing that time.

What do I say to make it clear that there is zero chance of us staying together, while also being gentle and respectful? I feel that how I go about this is very important. First I want to completely let her go so she can move on, basically providing zero hope of us getting back together or continuing on. Second, I don't want a huge scene and she has a tendency to blow up and get highly volatile over what I consider rather small disagreements (two weeks into our relationship, she went into an absolute meltdown because I purchased a gray chair when she wanted me to get the green one).

She is connected with my family. My father is her former boss, my step-mother is one of her closest friends, and my youngest daughter has met her and thinks she is amazing (my oldest daughter is not a fan). Is there anything that should be addressed with respect to this?

Feels good just to get some of this typed out.

21 comments posted: Friday, July 1st, 2022