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My WH talked to multiple women online for months. The last one specifically was an emotional affair. It completely broke me , my health , my life and my heart. He was deep into affair fog already by 1.5 months. He was confused about his feelings for her and had felt disconnected from me for years he says. I on the flip side was more in love with him than I had been in many years. I thought we were finally reaching the calm point of our marriage. I was immensely blindsided by his admission. He then false reconciled with me for another 1.5 months. He told me it had ended. That we were working it out. We’re making love OFTEN. And then he abruptly ended it with her behind my back. I found out two months later that it was false reconciliation at first when I discovered alll of the game chat logs on my own. Every detail. So full disclosure has only been since may 26th. I have never been so messed up in the head in my whole life and that is an impressive achievement for my life unfortunately. I’ve authentically tried to understand him, myself, the validation seeking and ego addiction. The secret porn addiction I also didn’t know about. I’ve been genuine in my healing for myself without his constant reassurance. He was previously doing mostly everything they recommended the WS do to regain trust. Until yesterday when we had a massive eruption of a fight. We both broke boundaries, pushed too hard and withdrew too hard. He ended up saying things to me out of overwhelm and pain that I can’t reconcile today. Such as "other women would laugh at you if you told them your story, other women’s husbands actually have sex with other women ecs." Or he doesn’t worry AS much about me cheating on him as he used to, and that is how’s he felt since before he cheated. I don’t think I can reconcile if he his experience is that it wasn’t as bad as an in person physical affair. I’ve already explicitly explained to him in the past that it would have been easier to forgive a one night stand where he didn’t even remember her or have intimate feelings towards. So I’ve made it clear that this is more damaging TO ME than a singular physical interaction would have been. He has always said rotten things when extremely overwhelmed , it’s a defense mechanism to get people to leave him alone. But this is beyond that. He genuinely has compartmentalized it in his own head. He barely remembers feeling that way or the things he typed out to her. But I do, I probably always will. How can we reconcile from different perspectives? I’m a very fragile person please please be kind in your responses. I’ve already been through it and my health is slipping also

How can we reconcile from different perspectives?

You can't....nor shouldn't. This isn't a marital issue that is resolved with compromise; this is a character deficiency issue. Only after that is addressed can you see if reconciliation is possible.

Sorry that you are here. The answer to your topic question is 'yes'--emotional affairs can hurt just as bad as physical affairs. Worse is many situations. The bottom line is your pain is the worst one here, because it is your pain. No one can tell you that your infidelity situation is 'less than' someone else's....except their own. Your pain is unique to you, but what we all can say here is that we understand. We get it....unlike your husband.

Keep reading and keep posting. You may be very fragile right now, but with guidance and effort, you can turn this into strength. It may seem impossible--it did to me when I first came here. Knowing I wasn't alone, and there were others that could really relate made a huge difference. It can for you also.

I am so sorry to hear your story. While I don't have advice on how to handle it yet, I deeply relate to the pain and depression. My husband also cheated online, then went to stay with a divorced woman and her 11-year-old son at her house for five days. When he came back, he texted me, 'Dear, I love you.' But when I confronted him and forced him to confess, he told me they had spent 3 hours on a video call, they had sex even when she had period and they had unprotected sex the last day when her period finally over and that she gave him a sense of peace he never felt with me.I hope knowing you aren't alone in this nightmare brings you a little comfort.

I'm very sorry for all you're going through, LostSoul. False reconciliation and the discovery of it is absolutely shattering. Your WH is deep in the throes of self-delusion and selfish behavior, and until he genuinely for himself wants to become a different kind of person, there is no chance for R.

He needs to hit rock bottom, which isn't going to happen until you detach. It's a hard one lesson that many of us had to learn: in order to save the marriage, you must be ready to lose the marriage. You can't be the one pushing for R or even to meet him in the middle. He needs to be doing all the work in that direction. You need to be figuring out how to be okay on your own. Until you can come to the relationship from that position, there's an imbalance in the relationship, and he has too much power.

As for your original question, jb3199 has it just right. Infidelity is painful, no matter the shape it takes - OnlyFans, or porn, sexting, emotional attachments, prostitutes, or full on love affairs. Anything which breaks the trust and commitment made between two people is incredibly painful. There's not much use in trying to compare them. He's trying to minimize his wrongs to make himself feel better.

Until he can acknowledge your pain and accept that he wronged you, he can't be remorseful. Without true remorse, there's no chance for R, no matter how much you might yearn for that. Read up on grey rock/the 180 in the articles in The Healing Library section of this website. That's what you need to work on right no. It won't be easy, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself, and if he does turn himself around, it'll be a good investment for the marriage.

Sorry that you are here. Sending you a big hug! Pain, physical or emotional, is a deeply lonely experience. Because there is no way you can compare your pain to anyone elses. If you cut two people the exact same way, one might rate the level of pain completely different than the other. My husband didn't have a physical affair, but he didn't have to. The pain I felt upon the revelation of him having feelings for another woman was so strong I wanted to die.

To create distinctions between what is worse is only helping the WS minimize his actions, and the way he does it is really cruel. Not only did he betray you, but in addition he minimizes your pain and humiliates you. Please don't accept this.

Of course there are some betrayals that stand out as particularly horrible, but I honestly think that betrayal is betrayal. It registers very similarly at first in our brains. At the deepest level it is the betrayal that hurts, the abandonement and feeling unloved, the trust that is broken, the loss of the reality you thought you lived in, the person you thought he was.

And to answer your question, no you can't reconcile with someone who doesn't want to admit the effects his actions have had on you.

Reconciliation is really based upon achieving a shared narrative of what has happened. Right now he is fighting hard for his narrative, which is that what he did wasn't so bad. You can't reconcile with someone who doesn't acknowledge your experience. That will cause you eternal suffering.

You can never get what you need out of this relationship as long as he stands by this idea that what he did shouldn't have hurt you as much as it did. By saying that he is basically saying something is wrong with YOU for feeling this way. He denies you your pain, and that is so unfair given that he is the one who caused it.

You feel fragile now. We all do when we experience betrayal. But don't let that fool you. You are so much stronger than you think. And what he did says nothing at all about you. It's all his own deficiencies as a person.

Are online emotional affairs as damaging as physical affairs ?

ABSOLUTELY. Merriam Webster defines infidelity as the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one's spouse or partner. Affairs can be VERY "romantic" with the dopamine working in overdrive...it doesn't matter what "kind" of affair it was. Your WH is trying to minimize what he did...but deep down HE knows that what he did is debilitating to you and y'alls marriage.

I’ve already been through it and my health is slipping also

THIS is a very REAL issue that Waywards can't possibly understand...and it can be a lifelong sentence of debilitating illnesses for the Betrayed. I am encouraged that you wrote that you are taking care to heal YOU . Healing yourselves is what both you and your H need to be focused on before reconciliation can take place. If HE doesn't fix what is broken in him...he isn't a safe partner for you.

Every new disclosure will set everything back to day one...so you are still in that painful RAW stage (((HUGS))). You are very in tune to what you need to do though...and that is a PLUS !! We can't change anyone else...only ourselves. Your WH has to work on himself...and you can work on yourself. You don't have to make any lifelong decisions now . When you feel stronger you will be able to assess if you feel your WH is worthy of you.

Writing on here helped me a lot because we never disclosed my H's A. Some of the advice SUCKED ...but the stronger I got...the better I could understand what some of the vets on here were trying to convey to me . We are ALL here to help . We each heal in our own way though...and what may work for someone may not work for someone else. Like it is said on here...just take the advice that works for YOU...and leave the rest .

There are different circles of hell. They are all in hell.

Even if he says he's never physically cheated on you and you haven't found anything in his correspondence to indicate that he has, don't take him at his word because you already know he's lying to you. Get tested for STDs and if you're going to continue to have sex with him, insist that he use a condom. He might not be happy about that but your health is more important than whether or not he's offended by the consequences of his own actions.

Also, take a deep dive into your finances and see if there's any shady expenses or transactions. Infidelity--whether it's online or physical--almost always involves financially infidelity as well. Money he's spending on porn, camgirls, or gifts for his online paramours is money that he's stolen from your marriage. If you choose to divorce him, that money could potentially be recuperated as part of your settlement (though you would need to consult with a lawyer about that, of course).

Most importantly, it's very clear to me that you're a victim of emotional abuse--and you need to come to terms with that fact. Your husband says incredibly cruel things, don't excuse his behavior as being too angry or overwhelmed-- those moments are when your husband shows you his true face. He can only wear the mask loving, sad, remorseful husband mask for so long... the more you try to hold him accountable, the more exhausting it is for him to keep the mask on and then it falls off.

At this stage, your goal should not be reconciliation. You need to take a step back from this situation and look at your marriage holistically. Here are a few questions to ask yourself, but this is by no means a complete list:

-Are you the one who is shouldering most of the day-to-day burdens of life in your home?
-Is your husband honest, honorable, and forthright in his dealings with other people in other aspects of his life?
-Is your husband kind, generous, and self-sacrificing, even when he has absolutely nothing to do gain from other people, or is he more concerned with the outward appearance of being a great guy?
-Are you the one who is always backing down in a conflict, always seeking to make amends, and apologizing?
-Do you feel respected, understood, and validated by your husband?
-If absolutely nothing in your marriage changed, could you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life?

LostSoul,

My husband had a four-year long online and long distance emotional affair with a woman we had known for 47 years.

He wrote long emails to her. Love letters. Photos. Texts. And phone calls.

My first DDay was in June 2023. Somehow their texts started coming to my iPad after an overnight update. They were greeting good morning to each other, sending nudes also. I was out of town, and alone. It was a nightmare.

There was a plan to meet in person at one point. He had planned a trip to see my brother, then his cousins, do a business deal, and go see her.

When that was being planned, I knew he was going to go see her - she was "dying" according to all of her social media posts, and what she was telling him. I had no idea that the texts and emails discussed something much different. They talked about where to put his CPAP, which side of the bed, etc.

Yeah.

He told her he had loved her for "fifty years" - only knew her 47, so that’s just stupid.

But they professed undying love and devotion, and put me down repeatedly.

I was devastated. This man was the love of my life (I thought). Almost 50 ears together and he was willing to just trash it all for a FANTASY.

In his mind, she was 26, sexy, perfect. In reality she was 72, and looked 90, and the sexiness she may have had 5 decades ago was definitely not on the menu.

He lied about things - until I proved them. He refused to admit anything I didn’t already know. After a year of that bullshit, I decided to leave. It wasn’t until I was carrying my stuff to the car that he broke and decided to confess everything - which included three other affairs I had no idea about. There was also secret porn addiction and heavy drinking I didn’t know about.

Still, he tried to minimize. He avoided. He tried to obfuscate.

After yet ANOTHER YEAR of that avoidance I left. I told him he had to get therapy, and there would be no return unless certain things happened. It took him a week of avoiding and he realized I wasn’t fucking around. He started therapy and began doing the things required. That happened in 2025 - so he wasted two years trying to avoid facing this.

I am home. I remain angry, but since reconciliation takes both parties, I am trying. I no longer take the lead. If he wants this marriage to work, he has to pull the chain harder than I do.

So far, he is committed to changing and has followed through. I remain defensive.

When I read my wife's text messages on dday, one of my "deal-breakers" on reconciliation would have been declarations of love, or strong emotions.