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My husband had an affair 3 years ago. It was emotional and sexual, though it remained virtual and there was no in-person contact. We went through counseling, reconciled, and have worked hard on our marriage, but I still struggle with the AP’s husband not knowing.

Early on, I wanted to tell him, but I was advised not to. That never fully sat right with me, especially since this was apparently at least her third affair. I still feel like he deserves to know, particularly because this seems to be a pattern for her.

At this point though, I’m wondering if it’s too late to say anything. If not, would an email or text be more appropriate? I don’t think I’d be comfortable with a phone call.

I’m struggling because I think my reasons are twofold:

1. I genuinely think he deserves to know, especially if she’s likely to do this again without concern for how it affects him.
2. Part of me also feels like she shouldn’t be able to repeatedly do this without any consequences.

I think he absolutely deserves to know. That poor guy has a serial cheater for a spouse. I think you should be the one to give him his agency back, since nobody else is going to do it. Whomever advised you not to... well, it's common advise among people who have either never experienced this, are manipulators, are cowards, or have ulterior motives.

It's not necessarily your responsibility, but you're clearly the only one who can help him. It's up to you. I would argue that he deserves to know, just as you deserved to know. I wish you the best of luck, I'm sorry you were put in this situation by your husband. It isn't fair, it just is what it is.

Personally I would write them a letter giving enough details so they can uncover the rest themselves. I would make an anonymous email account and send it from that in case they want to communicate back.

I see this two ways here. Everyone knew about my DH's affair but me, and I am so angry at those who knew and didn't tell me to the point where I've cut them out of my life. It humiliated me on top of everything else, and I felt if somebody would have told me then it wouldn't have gone as far as it did.

However if you've healed, would contacting AP's husband set you back in your recovery?

If it was me, personally I would message him if it meant I was far enough forward to not send me back to square one. He absolutely deserves to know the truth what was happening behind his back. However I would totally get it if you didn't want to open a can of worms by not contacting him.

[This message edited by hyperactivepineapple at 8:39 AM, Monday, May 25th]

Mine was a double betrayal. I’m enormously grateful that obs shared what he knew. Being able to compare notes was helpful to me. Though… it was if we both discovered at about the same time.

"Everyone knew about my DH's affair but me."

I think that is the part many people never fully get over — not only the betrayal itself, but the feeling that other people had information about your own life while you were left in the dark.

Personally I would want to know, even years later as agency matters and do not think your reasons are mutually exclusive as you can genuinely believe he deserves the truth while also feeling angry that repeated behaviour carried no real consequences.

The only thing I would say gently is make sure whatever you decide comes from clarity rather than unresolved trauma or wanting to transfer pain somewhere else - because once you open that door you cannot control what follows afterwards.

I sent the OBS a letter by registered mail detailing everything I knew and how I knew it all. I held nothing back.

I included my name, my ex-wife's name, how to find our Fakebook accounts, my phone number, and personal email address.

If you reach out to the OBS - and I encourage you to do it - be open and honest.

Early on, I wanted to tell him, but I was advised not to

That sounds like me on DDay1. I got lots of advice not to tell. Many from various professionals. And, like you, it didn't sit right with me. In fact, it haunted me greatly. As I struggled, I wrote down what I wanted to say and revised it frequently. And researched him. Until I found his work address and business cell.

Yadda, yadda, yadda, DDay2 came just over a year later. When I discovered it, I had my script ready. My hands shook so much while I dialed that number, I mis-dialed it twice. Then I must have gotten it right, as a voice answered "Hello this is Mr. LTAP" and I read my script. It went like this:

"My name is Chaos. Your wife LTAP and my husband Mr. Chaos are having an affair. It was originally discovered in 2017 and I just found out today it is still going on. I should have told you sooner. I am very sorry"

And he said words that both did not surprise me yet shocked me to my core "you aren't the first upset wife I've ever talked to"

We spend the next few days sharing details. Truth be told - my voice shook the whole time and I puked in the bushes after we hung up.

I share my story, not to make it "all about Chaos" but to let you know you are not alone. And not telling is not sitting right with you because you know it the wrong thing to do. People deserve truth in their lives. The weight of you holding that truth and keeping it from OBS is crushing.

In fact, I even had a letter written with a slight variation of what I actually said to him, and a few photos, ready to have sent Certified and Restricted (where only OBS could sign and receive) to his place of business. Sadly, I caught them communicating before I could have it sent.

Now, when (see what I did there) you do tell - don't let anyone know you are going to do this. They have a way of talking you out of it and/or getting their cover story in place.

Sending you courage and strength.

Thank you to everyone sharing their stories. I have been concerned about if this will set me back or not. But I feel like this will actually help me in my healing process. I would want to have been told and it has never sat right with me to not disclose everything.

I wish I knew how to respond individually, but I don’t. But each of these replies has helped me a lot. Thank you.

Highlight the desired text. Copy and paste it into your new post. Highlight again and select the box, above text screen, with the quotation mark.

It's embarrassing that "professionals" give advice that denies another human agency in their life to preserve the welfare of the perpetrator who caused the damage.

Telling OBS is simply the morally correct thing to do by way of the categorical imperative. Utilitarians can get bent.

This topic has so many layers, and every one of our instincts can end up being wrong.

1. The people who knew

My WH’s AP had people who were in the loop. And I ran into those people about twice a week during the time of the affair (I also saw the AP herself, by the way). From my perspective, the AP has (at least) a narcissistic personality disorder. And I know there’s something like codependency in that space too. The risk of losing their friendship with the AP clearly seemed much bigger to them than the personal benefit they would’ve gotten from telling me anything. A pretty clear trade-off, and not in my favor.

2. The OBS

The AP was also married. When everything came out, she apparently told the OBS (whom btw I’ve known for a long time). And she must have fed him some pretty wild version of events. That wasn’t exactly surprising but what did catch me off guard was that I got a message from the OBS the same day. He told me he was cutting contact with me (and with my WH as well, of course).

My thoughts on that: maybe he just doesn’t want to know. Or maybe they’re in an open marriage. In either case, I have to respect that his feelings and his reality are clearly different from mine. Even though, honestly, it was disappointing, because I had this idea that he was the only person in the world who truly understood me. But he’s also just another person with his own perspective. And as much as I’d love to know what story he was told, whether his "facts" match mine—that’s probably never going to happen.

3. Myself

Would I actually feel better if I did everything I could to blow up the other marriage? Shouldn’t I be putting my energy into my own marriage instead, into reconciliation? Of course I have revenge fantasies. Of course I sometimes wish the AP would get hit by the karma bus. But do I really want to get my hands dirty with that? And how would she react? Would she then try to get back at me by telling me new stories from the affair that I can’t verify and wouldn't that just set me back again? Would I end up hearing details I’d rather not know? Could I ever really put that genie back in the bottle?

What I am trying to say: Everyone has to find their own way through this. Yes, the OBS also has a right to know. But my advice is to be really honest with yourself first about your own motivations and what you’re actually trying to get out of it.