SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Some of older members might even remember me, others can get some idea of what I went through from my profile...

Long story short, after her affairs ~10y ago, she did "the work" (i.e. towards R) for ~1 year and then just stopped. Traditional excuses - "I just don't know what to do anymore", "If you know, you should tell me" etc, etc, old timers here know the drill, it's also written in bold letters in Cheaters' Handbook.

Once I realized that, I said, "ok, let's live together, but you cannot expect that I will love you", she professed undying love no matter what (I said it won't last, remember my words) etc etc. Well, I kind of felt that for few years she cared and then she didn't.
So I said for myself, that ok, I'll wait until our children are 18-ish, then I'll dump her. And that if I even get a strange feeling, I'm out (i.e. not going to investigate, no proof needed).

So I got that feeling last summer. And some others signs. We had a talk - "I don't love you, I know that you don't love me, let's walk separate ways". I wanted to tell the kids right away, she didn't, and still believing that it would be best if we did it together I didn't.

Well, a week ago shit hit the fan, she was having A. One of my DDs found out, everybody in our sports community found out. WW told another DD that she will tell her something in morning, DD didn't wait, found out from the first DD. Now the only one who doesn't know is our youngest.

I haven't spoken to DDs yet, as I only found that out last night (i.e. about them knowing). This scares and hurts me most.

P.S. Wasn't sure that JFO is the right place, maybe General, but seeing the number of "found out"s in the text...

I’m sorry you had to suffer through another affair.

I hope you can D quickly and move on from this nightmare.

The thing is I'm not suffering directly. I don't care.

I'm suffering through my kids. That I'll have to talk with them about this. Doubts what to say, what not to say (they are 17/17/15 now). Fear of the future with them. Fear that WW will find a ways to fuck up everything even further.

I know it fits under "suffering from another affair"...

Regarding D - I hope that we can have rather clean one once we sell one property (ok, I after so many broken hopes I should be cautions about what I hope for).

When I was almost forced to discuss the impending divorce with my children (who were young teens at the time) I received some very good advice from my counselor.

He told me it’s best if both parents are present and to be prepared for the emotional reaction, some children may have. It is best if you and your spouse have a plan together so that you are both on the same page in what you tell your children.

He strongly suggested that you’ll be somewhat honest with them and give them a solid reason for the divorce. If you don’t have a plan to tell them somewhat of the truth, they may come back and blame you for the divorce, even though you did not do anything that caused it.

It is perfectly acceptable to say that there was cheating involved and unfortunately, it’s the cause for a divorce. You don’t need to go into graphic details, but you might want to suggest that you recognize that the impact to the marriage is significant and it’s just not something that you can’t accept or understand.

You should have a custody plan in place and a schedule so that you can communicate that to your children.

These are just suggestions that I received and I hope they provide some clarity for you.

The1stWife, thanks!

In a few hours since the last post I spoke with our youngest. The plan was always that we do it together, but since WW has already spoken with other two, I didn't feel too obliged to follow the "plan" (more than that, WW kind of said night before, "go and tell"). DD reacted rather stoically, asking more about living arrangements etc. Didn't mention previous affairs, just said that it was not sudden decision. Told about current affair, because there's almost no way it could be kept secret. Told her that if she has questions, I will answer them with truth.

Regarding schedule and custody, my suggestion was co-parenting and rotating each week/two weeks, WW is against it and says that DDs will choose themselves where to live. Well, I guess they will, but alternating homes is one of the options.

BTW, WW went a bit mental when I said that I spoke with the youngest, accused me that I'm doing it behind her back as a revenge (despite what she said last night).

I have counselor appointment this week, but currently everything is moving too fast to wait for it.

[This message edited by DarkHoleHeart at 2:56 PM, Monday, April 6th]

I think the important part is enforcing consequences not to teach anything to your ex wife (she was gone the moment she took refugee in her broken ego, now is just a formality), but to your kids.

They are anyway influenced by the choices of your ex wife, to avoid a future clusterfuck in their lives the consequences are to be super evident. Treat your ex as she is almost no. Existing, worthless and the metaphorical trash to be taken out because it smells.

That’s all she is anyway. Her choices not your or anyone else’s doing, it’s her comfort zone and she chose it over her family.

You will be polite but indifferent. Iron boundaries and not an inch of concession.
Todd luck, sorry you are facing this occurrence but you already knew that, I relate because is likely what expects me down the line.

Was away for a while.

Hm, I'm not going to treat WW as a trash, especially in front of the kids (I know she is). Simply put, that's not in my interests - treating her like that could backfire and kids might start to defend her. Kids are instinctively protective of their parents.

Her adventures with the coach reached the papers (digital ones). "Sex scandal in ...". If my DD wasn't involved in all that mess, it would have been funny. But now I just hope DD doesn't see it (unlikely, somebody from her sports group would probably notify her) and if she does, that she doesn't read comments - it's full of idiots "what's wrong with a little fun", "good job - coach is teaching the kid and also satisfying their mother, where I can find one?".

The only good thing from that is that if she starts stalling D, it would be quite easy to file for "fault D" - plenty of witnesses, plenty of proof...

It just amazes me how people so often shit where they eat....to be doing t his with a coach in a child's sports league...it inherently then involves the kids and their cohorts. One thing I would say is that even if the kids had no idea bout the affair....and they might know more than you think, or it would have come out anyway, undoubtedly they have felt the tension between you and your wife all these years and may even be somewhat relieved that it's finally coming out in the open and you're getting a divorce. It's painful and difficult and disorienting....but it's ALSO HONEST....this is now an HONEST relationship with the problem out in the open....not something everyone might have to dance around. I think divorce is much healthier in this situation than just living together - the kids know something is wrong.

I think they may still keep their feelings secret from you and Mom, and maybe from each other because living on eggshells for years teaches you to step carefully. And probably quietly. I think they should all have counseling on this because they need to deal with their own feelings and process them, and also....the public embarrassment of a Mom who would do this shit. That's hard to deal with IMO.

I'm very glad for you that this has finally come to a head and it looks like a festering wound has opened up and can now be cleansed. Obviously this was not working out for either of you, and now you can both deal with it honestly and openly and hopefully have a better future for both of you. Your wife may be nasty though because it sounds like she's been very publicly exposed and that adds a whole new element to the mix. I'd try to downplay that as much as you can, and work out as much as you can through your lawyer rather than face to face or negotiation - that might limit emotional explosions or acrimony. My main concern would be counseling for the girls so they can come to terms with it themselves also so it does not impact THEIR future relationships. We tend to model what we learn. Good luck to you and your entire family - I think you can be a much more successful family going forward even if you are not all physically together all the time.