SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I see that phrase used a lot here, but I haven't seen it defined. Or is it a flexible definition? Something a BS comes to feel about their spouse?

How would you define it?

I'd say the short, quick and dirty definition would be a partner who can be trusted not to hurt you. That can mean different things for different people, but at a minimum someone who won't lie, cheat, or betray your trust.

What a perfectly timed question.

Sit back and enjoy the real time definition of what is and isn't a safe partner.

Almost a year ago to the day, my wife told me that she had been miserable for the full 22-year length of our marriage. I'll spare you the details of why that is, but if anyone wants to read it just look for the first post I ever made in these forums.

I was shocked, because I was relatively happy in the marriage. And my reaction was, how do I fix this? That was the day we were supposed to be reconciling our marriage based on the criteria she laid out. About a week later, we went on a trip out of state together, it seemed to go great! I thought we were reconnecting. I thought we were both doing well. I thought the sex we had was good. I thought it was a first step towards a healthier marriage.

Soon after that I found out my wife was having an affair, that according to her began AFTER we started to reconcile and AFTER we travelled out of state together.

So fast forward to today, where my wife has informed me that she will again be going out of state to the same location we went last year. Only this time she's not inviting me to go with her. This time she's just going by herself. She hasn't told me I can't go; she just hasn't even bothered to invite me.

Just moments ago, she told me she knew that I didn't want her to go. (I never said that) But she's still going, and she still didn't ask me to go, and even though she knows this will put strain on our horrible marriage, she's still doing what she's doing.

I could (but I won't) demand to go. I could (but I won't) ask if she should like me to go. I could (but I won't) hope that maybe she'll ask me to go because she doesn't want to be an unsafe partner. But it's been a full year of this shit, and since this is how it all started, why would I think it would even matter in the least? So, as the anniversary of D-DAY comes and goes, and she's staying the night out of state for the weekend to celebrate that, I will know that yep, she's still an unsafe partner, and frankly a real fucking asshole that I need to just start ignoring or expecting anything from because jesus christ how dense do you have to be?

Now if you read all that and still don't know what a safe partner is and isn't, I got nothing for ya.

I mean, it's as if I was burning alive last year, and as my wounds healed over time, but mentally I was completely scared of fire, and my wife said, "Hey, ya know what might be fun? Why don't you hold this flaming torch for the weekend, I hear it's going to be extra windy outside, so maybe just jog around the house while you're holding it." And then just started buying lighter fluid in preparation.

I know most people will read this and just think at this point I'm just a moron for still being in this relationship, and ok, you're probably right. But I'm also recognizing it in real time, and I'm flabbergasted that my WW would even think about traveling back there without me (let alone it being on the one-year anniversary of D-Day). She must live to torment me at this point. She's broken as fuck.

We have a MC session this week. I don't give fuck what the MC wants to talk about, this is all we're talking about. And it's not going to end with me travelling with my WW anywhere. It's going to end with the MC going, "Yeah, I get it now. She's fucking broken." I might literally start the session by saying "My wife is fucking broken. You're move, dickhead."

LOL This fucking world.

[This message edited by 4characters at 6:18 PM, Monday, October 13th]

I've always been less desirous of 'safety' and more desirous of a partner who pretty much always chooses to do 'right things.' But if one parses that, it's not very different from Pogre's understanding.

The definition of 'safe partner' has to be flexible because of the tremendous variations in peoples' circumstances.

4characters: yes, that definitely defines very well an unsafe partner! I can’t believe that she’s doing that, and I’m very sorry to hear that you’re dealing with all of the fear, pain, and anger it must cause you. I hope your MC can help her to see reason.

Look for someone who has good morals, 24 hours a day. How do they treat wait staff in a restaurant? Do they hold doors for people? Do they say please and thank you? Do they make sure you’re comfortable in an unsafe place? If you have children, do they make sure they are happy in their childhood? Do they care about other people? Do they have sympathy and empathy? A person‘s moral center should be so that they do things in private that can be seen in public except using the toilet and having sex. Other than that their lives should be open books. If you have someone in your life, whose entire life is either a lie or one step away from a lie, they are not safe for your emotional well-being and you need to get the heck out of there.
Edit, read Lying by Jonathan Wallace in the Ethical Spectacle. On the money.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 6:30 PM, Monday, October 13th]

"1. protected from or not exposed to danger or risk; not likely to be harmed or lost."

- the Internet

A safe partner will not harm you, expose you to risk or danger. It's not complicated, nuanced or flexible.

Cooley2here, thanks for your response and the article recc. I will definitely check it out… I think that’s a really thought provoking definition and something for everyone to strive for.

It begs the question though: what about those who, other than having committed infidelity, meets that definition? Does that make them a more trustworthy partner, or less (because they can very well appear safe but also still betray you ?)

[This message edited by DayByDay96 at 6:57 PM, Monday, October 13th]

A safe partner is someone who doesn't knowingly commit an act that can inflict pain or distress to their partner. A shockingly low bar that I find utterly depressing that so many people are incapable of reaching.

Turns out people love to abuse their 'loved' ones. That or they're too arrogant or stupid to think they'll get caught