SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

So this is my story... I've been married for just over 15 years, but for the last 6 years I've been in love with and seeing another woman. It sounds horrible to type it out for all to see, but that's my truth. She was a friend of my wife, and I was a stay at home dad at the time, and we'd meet for play dates with the kids. From the moment we met, sparks flew, and we knew we were meant to be together. Unfortunately, I'm a lying asshole and a coward. I've spent 6 years lying to both of them and had spun a web of lies so thick that I couldn't keep track any longer. Now that everything is out in the open, I face a decision. Either get divorced and move in with AP, or leave AP and stay married to a woman that shouts at me and is emotionally abusive. She's always been that way, but when we met, I was terribly lonely and desperate. My main motivation for staying is my children. I grew up with divorced parents and I hated it. It ruined my life in so many ways.

I have actually stuck out two of her affairs (that I know of), one physical while we were engaged to be married, to which my late brother said, "take your get-out-of-jail-free card and run", and I wish I did. I miss him every day. The second affair was emotional and lasted several years until my affair started.

My affair started with text messages about the kids' play dates and other arrangements, and slowly became friendlier, but I knew what I was doing. One evening she said, "I think I'm in love with you" and all I could do was say was, "I'm madly in love with you too". Our relationship hasn't been perfect, though, I don't think any affair could be. I wish I'd met her when we were younger and unattached.

I have actually packed a bag and gone over to my AP's home only to make an excuse to come back home to my children. I don't know what to do. It feels like I'm going to either end up hurting myself or someone I care about (physically), because of all of this anger building up inside me. I've made appointments with the psychologist, and I'm taking my meds on time, but I still feel like crying even now as I type this. This is not the life I signed up for. I'd rather be alone than unhappy.

Mods please

Welcome to SI. There are some posts pinned to the top of the Wayward forum that may be helpful. If you're feeling like you need help and may injure yourself, please call a suicide hotline.

It sounds like you're in a mess. Please don't stay just for the children. Is this the type of M (marriage) that you wish to model for them? There are several members here whose parents "stayed for the kids" and they have said it was an awful way to live because of how the parents treated each other.

This site is to help you get out of infidelity, but you will need to make the choices that are going to be the best for you situation.

Are you in IC (individual counseling)? Maybe a therapist can help you to work through some of your issues.

T/J
Alerted. Thanks, Supresse,
End of T/J

Gently, SI is about surviving infidelity, and I think that means after the A is over. Waywards are welcomed when they want to end the A, but you don't seem to want to end it.

gibikha, If you want to end your A, we can help, and we can help you navigate the post-A world.

I understand your dilemma, and I understand you feel awful. As the staff members read your post, however, the help you seem to be looking for is outside our mission.

I hope you get the help you need. If I had any idea of a forum that can help, I would direct you there.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:16 PM, Saturday, August 9th]

Choosing W might hurt all three of you, but choosing A would only hurt your W.

G - the only way to escape this web of lies you've created over time, for whatever reason, is to live and open and honest life. All the lies to everyone have to stop, you have to come clean to everyone. That's the minimum. I think you should get divorced, I don't see that you ever had a real marriage and I don't think there's much hope of one at this point. You have to figure yourself out and learn how to become a good and faithful, trustworthy partner to someone else eventually. It takes time especially as you seem to have come into your marriage damaged already. Many of us do. But as you've learned, years of deception are not the answer. They just make a bigger hell.

If you feel like hurting yourself or anyone else, you need to go to a hospital or call EMTs immediately - don't wait on an appointment if it takes too long. Medications can help you get through this but you need support. You can't be a loose cannon like this for yourself or anyone else. The responsible thing right now is to seek immediate help for your destructive feelings.

I would not advise going to AP either as she is part of the problem. If, after addressing your immediate destructive feelings, you can find or make a neutral place for yourself, that might be best at this time. You need to start unraveling the situation you've created, and you'll need help and time in doing that. The first thing though is to stabilize yourself with help. You don't want to hurt anyone and even if you only hurt yourself, that alone would devastate others more than you realize. And it's not the answer. The answer is to start undoing what's been done, and building something better over time. It CAN be done.