SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. Currently about 8 months out from Dday discovering my wife’s affair. I’ve certainly had the roller coaster that we are all sadly familiar with. We are attempting R and it’s going fairly well.

I still want to know what the picture looks like should I decide not to stay. I’m curious about others experiences. How much did the infidelity influence the divorce regarding child custody, division of assets, spousal support etc.

I realize laws vary from place to place. I live in a state where "at fault" divorce still exists, though I am unaware to what degree it is used. I’m not asking for legal advice, just wondering what others have experienced.

I realize laws vary from place to place. I live in a state where "at fault" divorce still exists, though I am unaware to what degree it is used

In some of those "at fault" states, having intercourse after disclosure legally constitutes condoning the adultery, at which point it can’t be used for the benefit of the betrayed in a D.

Certainly adultery frequently leads to D. For some, it’s all the lying & deception that brings them to pull the D trigger. For other betrayed, who attempt (and always fail) to drag their betrayer thru R, they eventually realize their spouse isn’t truly remorseful, isn’t "doing the work", and isn’t going to change, at which point they initiate D, often many years later. For yet others, they choose to remain "for the kids", and have D as their plan once the kids are launched.

Many lawyers will do a free consultation. Have you tried scheduling to see one and ask questions?

My state is a no-fault state, and our children are not minors so the infidelity had little impact on the division or assets, etc.

For people with minor children, the parents are required to attend a parenting class and come up with a parenting plan that is part of the divorce decree.

Hopefully somebody with a different experience will provide you with more information.

I realize laws vary from place to place. I live in a state where "at fault" divorce still exists, though I am unaware to what degree it is used. I’m not asking for legal advice, just wondering what others have experienced.

Divorce can be time consuming and expensive. Those that aren't generally have the two parties coming together to craft an agreement which is equally dissatisfying to them. Then filing that agreement to the court. Filing with adultery as the cause will almost assuredly means that you are headed to a contentious court case. It also requires a legal level of proof that can add to the cost. I would suggest you discuss this with an attorney to whether this makes sense for your situation financially. Consider just the risk vs potential financial benefit. Take your emotions, feelings, and desire for justice out of it. Generally, no one comes out better in a contentious divorce except the attorneys. This is the reason most states went to no fault. Too many were wasting court time and dollars fighting to be proven right.

This is good information so thank you.

In the event I had to "prove it" in this case it would be easy. My WWs AP committed major property damage after the affair was discovered. There is a police report where she admitted to the police she had been having an affair. Her AP later killed himself.

That may not change much of what you’re saying about it getting contentious and costing a ton. My wife stays home with our three small kids, so no income. When we got married, I was worth about 300k where as she brought about 30k in debt into the marriage and little else.

I ask if anyone has gone this route because of the major differences in income/assets

You definitely need local based legal advice on these issues. Based solely on probability chances are it won’t have any effect on divorce. This is solely based on that being the case in most and/or the most populous US states.
Many states have retained the fault clause for reason to divorce without it really having any impact on the final financial outcome. Basically, it gives a spouse the ability to divorce despite the others’ reluctance to do so and then it’s generally down to "irreconcilable differences" rather than abuse, desertion or infidelity (the most common faults listed). Seldom – if ever – does infidelity impact custody.

It would be to your advantage to have some questions answered by a local attorney. These include things like:
Does infidelity affect divorce?
Is my proof considered good enough?
Does time from discovery to filing have an effect?
Does length of marriage affect alimony (both amount and length)?
Does the premarital financial status have an effect on division of assets?
Are prenups legal and do they stand up in court in your state?

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On income and contribution to the marriage issue:
That’s a deal you entered when you signed the marriage contract. That she is not earning an income now is (I guess) more related to you two having three kids that she is a SAHM for rather than some reluctance to work. Staying at home tends to slow down careers (chances are she won’t earn as much as her peer who did not quit to stay at home) and it should enable you to focus on your career (thereby generating more income).
A key issue in marriage IMHO is realizing what a unit it should make you two. Of course, her not abiding to expectations and having an affair is probably the main reason you might not feel that way, but legally it’s still the way society sees you two.

I’m pointing this out because so often we get stuck in some victim mentality where we resent having to give all we have in divorce. Fact is you gave it when you got married, and now it’s more an issue of how to divide what WE have.
The key IMHO is to work at equalizing the earning ability, and that might mean that she goes back to the workplace and you pay for childcare.

That may not change much of what you’re saying about it getting contentious and costing a ton. My wife stays home with our three small kids, so no income. When we got married, I was worth about 300k where as she brought about 30k in debt into the marriage and little else.

Generally, adultery has no impact on child support, and that will be the biggest hit. Especially with the differences in income. Court's goal is to ensure that both households have enough funds to keep the kids near the same standard of living.

If adultery has any impact it will be on asset division and alimony. Asset division is generally limited to maybe shifting it from 50/50 to 60/40. They give no thought from whom the money came to build those assets once you were married. Alimony is where the win in. In most cases the adulterer would receive much less alimony to none than they would have been faithful. The last kicker is since she is a sahm you will get to pay both of your legal fees.

Speak with a few attorneys' who understand the landscape in your area. Too much of this can vary county to county or even judge to judge.

[This message edited by grubs at 6:34 PM, Wednesday, August 6th]