Buckle up, it's a long story...
My husband and I have been together for 12 years (married 3). We started dating when we were 17 and 18 and are now 29 and 30. In 2023, I was in a very low place mentally. I was 'self-medicating' with fast food and alcohol as well as pushing my husband away when he offered support as I didn't want to relive the trauma I was experiencing day-to-day at work. During this time, in my deep depression and shame spiral, I had a short-term affair with an ex (sex, twice). I compartmentalized what had happened and pushed it down, not telling anyone.
Shortly after, we moved interstate which came with its own issues and resentment. We lived interstate in 2024, away from our families, friends and support systems. This was incredibly challenging for both of us, but particularly me, as we moved for husband's job and I didn't particularly want to. In 2025, we were doing long distance. I moved back home, and he stayed interstate. This was the plan for one year, ready for him to move back in 2026, to start a family.
In April 2025, my husband saw videos/photos of my affair, in the deleted album, on my phone. Things blew up. He kicked me out of his parents house (where I'd been staying) and I moved back in with my parents (source of my childhood trauma, reason I didn't choose to live there when I moved back). He went back interstate and told me not to contact him for a month while he processed things. I didn't. He reached out a few times to ask for nitty gritty details, which I gave him. I lived in limbo from April-June with no contact (except for logistics - we have a house and a mortgage, and 2 dogs). He told me not to go interstate to see him, or our dogs, he dictated when we could speak and when he wanted silence, everything was on his terms. I did this, of course, so I should deal with his healing process however that looks. He asked me some questions via text and I responded with a letter that I had written him, explaining my past, how I got to that point, explaining what I'm doing in the present to heal, and explaining my hopes for the future. At no point did I make any excuses for what I did. I made some shitty choices, I owned them took responsibility for them, and am trying to heal from them. My letter was not well received as he was still sitting in 'denial' and 'anger'. I made commitments, including:
- Weekly therapy
• No alcohol
• Prioritising my physical health with a balanced diet, exercise, and sleep
• Rebuilding your trust in any way I can
• Repairing the damage I’ve caused
• Journaling, gratitude, and daily mindset work
• Working on self-forgiveness and letting go of shame
• Working towards accepting and loving myself first, validate myself and stop depending on
others for worth
• Prioritising our relationship, our dogs and our future
• Doing whatever it takes for a happy, healthy marriage
And I have stuck to these.
This is part of my letter, and explains a little about me:
The root of all of this, my huge issue and underlying problem is my need for external validation. I have
been this way for as long as I can remember, and it is at the root of all of my problems. I have zero selfesteem and self-worth, so I seek validation, acceptance and worthiness from others. This need for
external validation touches every part of my life:
• It comes out in my friendships, where I feel like I have to be the life of the party to be liked by
others.
• It comes out in my drinking, where I feel like no one will like me sober, so I drink to feel
confident and liked.
• It comes out in my need for male validation.
• It comes out in my work, where I feel like I have to over-achieve and be the best at everything,
so I get praise from others.
• It comes out in my inability to try new things, or receive feedback, as I don’t want to be seen as
less than capable, or perfect.
• It comes out in my house, where everything must look perfect and ‘OCD’, so that I have full
control over my space, and others can praise what I’ve created.
• It comes out in my gym/exercise habits and yoyo dieting, only doing it to look good in the short
term, never to actually make a di;erence to my health and wellbeing.
• It comes out in my relationship, where my love language is words of a+irmation, and I don’t
always feel loved if you doesn’t tell me to my face and validate me. As you know, this is
something we struggled with.
• It comes out in my relationship, again, where my attachment style is anxious attachment
None of the above will ever excuse the choices I made. I fucked up, badly, and I know that. I cannot go
back in time and change what happened. If I could, I would do things very differently. But I hope that
by explaining the scenario that I was in, and the headspace that I was in, maybe some sense can be
made from it (again, knowing that it does not make sense, and should not have happened at all). I
want you to know how deeply I’ve reflected, and how serious I am about doing the work to be better. I
have learned that I cannot dwell on the past. I have to accept that what happened, happened, and
move forward. I must work towards self-forgiveness.
This week, he has come here to visit his friends and family, and brought the dogs with him so I could see them. During this time, I reached out and asked if he was open to seeing a marriage counsellor while here, so we could discuss our next steps. He agreed. I thought this was a big step as previously, he had been against it. We saw the marriage counsellor 2 days ago and I felt we made progress. The marriage counsellor affirmed my reasoning for the affair (unresolved childhood trauma, issues with self-esteem and low self worth, self-medication with food and alcohol), he said that if it wasn't an affair, it would have been something else with the path that I was going down. During the session my husband said that he is still leaning towards divorce, but he wants to exhaust all options first.
After marriage counselling, we continued to talk only logistically about what we were doing with money, the dogs, our house, etc. The next day, we sat down to talk some more. We had some big discussions and he said that he was 60-70% leaning towards divorce, but wanted to exhaust all options before throwing in the towel. We have both booked in for individual sessions with the marriage counsellor. We are unsure of whether we book in another one together, this will depend on his choice.
During these big discussions, I asked him if he had been 'living as a single person' while we are "taking time apart/separated". He confessed that a week after he found out what I had done, he went to the bar with his friend from work, got drunk, and had sex with someone else. He stayed at her house and went home the next day. He told his parents and a friend what he had done, but they all accepted it as part of his healing process. When discussing it with me, he said that in his mind his life had just been turned upside down, his marriage was over or he didn't even have a marriage, and he was just doing whatever he could to make him feel alive. Not once did he ever tell me our marriage was over though, he told me he needed more time. He said that when he had sex with her, he did it because he was:
- in survival mode
- his mental health was low
- he didn't know how to manage what he was feeling.
I explained to him that these were all reasons that I explained my affair, but they weren't good enough when I said them, but they are when he says them?
I have today, called him out on that, saying that if you remove the emotion from it, he has cheated on me too. He understood this and has realised that his 'support people' did not necessarily support him best, by condoning what he did, and not calling him out on it.
I guess my question is - is there any chance of healing from this? He knows that I can and will forgive him. He is unsure if he can forgive me yet. We have 3 weeks until our individual sessions with the marriage counsellor and I need to figure out how to survive them.
I'm sure I've missed a lot - it's been a big 8 weeks!
[This message edited by idontevenknow13 at 7:06 AM, Thursday, June 5th]
