SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A little over a month ago I confronted my wife informing her that I knew she was having an affair. She immediately responded with "I'm glad you brought that up, his name is XXXX (first name only), I want a divorce". We have spent the time away from each other with a few phone and in person conversations. While I have tried to keep the road to reconciliation open, she has focused on moving on with her life and her new love interest.

Over the course of the next few weeks I was able to discover who this person was, his financial situation (exceedingly poor), work history (even worse), 3 ex-wives and children he has not supported. I would be less than honest if I said this was simply to protect my wife from a gold digger (which in large measure it was) but far from the only reason. I presented my wife with the information I unearthed (reports, pictures, court documents etc.), her initial reaction was that I had manufactured the information. I suggested she look into this herself as I doubted that this would be the type of person she would get involved with had she known ahead of time.

Rather than look into what I gave her, she handed the information to the new boyfriend who exploded and told her to "get the "F" out of my house. (Not really his house, he's trading some handyman services for a place to live in a small duplex) She shared the event during a short road trip she suggested following the confrontation to pick up a desk at her sisters house. "the road trip will give us a chance to talk"

Now she sees the marriage as worth saving. "Anyone who would go to such lengths to protect me is worth my love". She has asked if I was ready to split our time between our beach condo (where she has been staying) and main home? She has a new found interest in how I'm doing but frankly, when she calls and askes "how are you this morning, still emotional?" I get a little agitated, emotional? Really?

While I am somewhat encouraged that the affair appears to be over (she says it is), I can't help but feel I am just a safe harbor for the near term?

[This message edited by Stabbedintheheart at 11:59 AM, Saturday, November 23rd]

Hmmmmm. Hard to know what is truth and what is her plan to protect herself financially and not be left to fend for herself.

FWIW my H had an affair and also told me he was D me for the OW. The OW was 20 years younger and definitely saw dollar signs. She was a drama Queen with an entire body covered in tattoos - arms, neck, legs and boobs. She was a social media whore and her "assets" hung out of every shirt she owned.

She was ready to jump into the "step mother" role immediately.

If you want to know your wife’s intentions, tell her that in order to R you want a post nuptial agreement. I made this a demand from my CH to even consider R. He willingly signed it b/c he believed it was not going to be an issue as he was determined to R.

If she refuses to sign a fair post nup, there is your answer. It’s a money thing.

If she doesn’t have a job, tell her she needs to get one. Don’t be the only one supporting the family. Tell her she’s not quitting the job any time soon or else the R process stops.

I’d suggest you start putting some $ in your own bank account she does not have access to. Start protecting yourself financially.

Also demand she gets counseling. Do not allow this to be swept under the rug and just another "mistake" she made. She lied. She cheated. She now has to make amends and be remorseful and repair the damage. On her own. Not you helping her.

I hope this helps you.

This is a "JFO" situation. It is far too early to tell. And she has so much work to do. You both do. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

I also did a deeper dive on the OW. Not much to do, as she was a "friend". It was a bucket of cold water when I presented FWH of evidence of OW’s lies. I was genuinely surprised at his reaction…that he couldn’t believe a liar would lie to him.

It sounds like, this early, she really doesn’t comprehend yet what reconciliation will take. So sorry you’re here.

I appreciate the insight and a post nup is on my list of things to get accomplished. I have spent a considerable amount of time erasing her from all the (formerly) joint accounts possible. If there is one saving grace in all of this, my wife struggles with technology so staying one step ahead of her and (ex) boyfriend hasn't been difficult.

Prior to my world collapsing, we were in the process of changing investment advisors opting for two different firms for a 1 year test (or so I thought). In that light, some of the work is already done but it gives me pause as to how long she been planning?

Talk to the three best divorce lawyers in town ASAP.

Your posts say you're detached from your W. That doesn't look like the path to R, IMO.

I think you need to answer questions like

'Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with my WS?'

'What are my requirements for R? What are hers? Are they - and we - a good fit for each other?'

'Will she meet my requirements for R? Will I meet hers?'

'How will we know if we are meeting my requirements?'

'What will I do to deal with the feelings I'm feeling?'

IMO, a post-nup is premature at this point. You write as if D is more likely, in which case a post-nup is superflous.

While I am somewhat encouraged that the affair appears to be over (she says it is), I can't help but feel I am just a safe harbor for the near term?

Ya think?? Don’t be anyone’s Plan B. Of course, it’s your life to do as you see fit.

Anyone who would go to such lengths to protect me is worth my love

You are definitely worth someone's love.

Now that you’ve pulled the rug out from under the other guy, look at what you are stuck with.

Set the mark for what you deserve, and let her know there is a new standard for being your wife.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 10:06 PM, Saturday, November 23rd]

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're here. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of great information. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that new members are encouraged to read. There are others with bull's eye icons that are really helpful.

It sounds like you're her Plan B. She doesn't sound remorseful at all. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity and even longer sometimes if you R. We call the fluctuating emotions the emotional rollercoaster, and it will take you for a ride any time.

If you can, IC with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful in your healing process. If you have trouble eating, try protein shakes. Stay hydrated. If you have trouble sleeping or with depression, see your doctor for some meds. Also, please get tested for STDs/STIs. There are some nasty diseases out there.

Your WW (wayward wife) should be in IC so that she can work on her issues that allowed her to have an A. She didn't make a mistake, she made thousands of conscious decisions to lie to you and betray. Watch her actions and don't listen to her words. As you've seen, cheaters lie and then lie some more. She should also read the book How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a fairly quick read, but has a great blueprint for recovery. Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another good resource.

Brother, she did not pick you. She's still picking herself. She is not safe at all.
You really should stop pursuing reconciliation. 180, Grey rock, separate your finances, see an attorney (or 4) to see what divorce looks like.
That's not to say you won't or shouldn't reconcile, it's to explore all possible options. Divorce in your situation is a very understandable choice. Don't be blinded to the possibility of divorce just because you want a specific outcome.
Get out of infidelity and seek individual counseling.
This is like being in an airplane and putting your own oxygen mask before putting it on your child. You're no good to anyone if you're still reeling from her terrible, selfish choices.
Stay strong.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, there is a lot of experience at your fingertips. She was ready to walk out on you, now that it blew up she is back, until the next guy comes along and shows her attention.

Do not offer R at this time, she is not remorseful and sadly you will find yourself right back in a matter of weeks or months, with some other "Mr Right". We always advise to "watch her actions", her calling and asking "are you still emotional" is someone that doesn't get it. You need to push her off the fence and make her sweat. Study and implement the 180, see a few attorneys to see your options and map an exit strategy. You don't have to file D but you can get your ducks in a row.

Thank you everyone. I do have a full lab panel scheduled on Monday, I asked her to get tested but she says she doesn't see the need (we would all disagree). I do have an appointment with an attorney next week and we'll see where that goes.

In any case, I'm not the sort of person who can sit around and see what transpires. I'm going to get my ducks in a row and prepare to write the check. It may be a little premature to schedule the dumpster delivery but I had one delivered before so, very little planning involved there.

I really appreciate the insights as I really don't know what's really going on (maybe hard to know until the other shoe falls). I do think that I may want to reconcile so badly that I'm ignoring the obvious - thanks again!

I purchased "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald earlier today. It was very enlightening. I let my wife know that it was available in our Audible library and she should give it a read.

Thank you.

"I asked her to get tested but she says she doesn't see the need (we would all disagree).

I personally would only be intimate with people who I am monogous with and who are willing to have full-panel std sti testing from a place that knows how to do the testing properly and at appropriate intervals . !
Everyone can make their own decisions as to the level of risk they personally are willing to take. But it won’t be with me.

I am sorry you are experiencing this situation…

Wow. Her not being willing to get STI tested is really sad and a big waving red flag. A WS who wants to reconcile will move mountains… and at the very least will get STI tested. (And research books like How to Help, get into IC, etc.).

Maybe she hasn’t gotten it YET. But you need to push her off the fence and move yourself forward. Maybe she will get it— and you will see that from her ACTIONS, not her words. Not looking good for R at this point, however.

You sound very logical and level headed. Keep looking out for yourself and take good of yourself. This stuff is a trauma and it takes a real toll.