Hi all,
So still trying to work out my stuff and realising the mess that is my head!!!
This last week my BS has simply reached a point where she is stuck with trying to get me to see my errors and my way of thinking etc and is trying to work on herself now (something I am pleased about finally) rather than trying to get me to change or see my ways.
I think for a long time now I have been trying to ensure I stick to all the requirements my BS has requested of me, even applying pressure on myself to ensure I show her that I have what is needed.
These last few days I have been a little woeful, we aren't communicating well and I've been feeling like a victim of sorts in that she is giving me the cold shoulder and not really indulging me in what a marriage should be like or that I'm accustomed too (that sense of loss again).
This leads me to today, we had a convo this morning about how I feel she is being cold and distant despite me trying to facilitate chit chat...it led to her to trying to explain that this is now just the marriage we have (again the loss) and that I was just being entitled... I naturally allowed myself to get petty and upset and made a stupid remark about just being a taxi for her.
Anyway I am at the gym, thinking to myself why this keeps happening and why I am so upset which results in frustration and pettiness
I realised because of the pressure I am putting on myself and my ability to still not be able to just let go and just roll with the punches its causing me to stress and live in this state of hyper vigilance.
In my mind it feels if I am not trying to make this a constant ie talking about the A or trying to check my behaviour then I am going to upset her and cause further problems furthermore if we dont talk about it how is she going to know I am still trying to do the work....therefore I can't switch off when she is struggling and just needs comfort which I then dont provide as I am too busy trying to convince her!
In my head I sit here and i know what I want to do and how I need to do it. I can literally visualise it ...be a good person, be supportive, be attentive and despite what is happening just be present and there for her. I even sit back and think I got this because I just want to be me again (minus the shittiness) so why is it that I can't just not be a penis at times and not snap back or not make it about me??
IC has so far been useless so has anyone any advice or some good books on how to work on this?
Getting back to the gym this last week helps mentally and we are both doing more to tend to our health so I hope this can have an impact....
I hope that makes sense....its taken over an hour and twenty to write this and even I feel confused 
