Speaking for myself, I have a fully automated smart home that runs using Home Assistant, self-hosting all of my own NVR cameras locally and not on the cloud, all of my devices are on a fully segregated IoT network,
You see, there is no trust in your marriage either. You stay there because you have the reassurance that your wife is not bluffing. It could be true or it could be false. However do you know if in her office she has a phone you don't even know the existence of? You obviously don't! You both have had an affair and you are both very technology savvy. My husband is a software engineer and he knows how little I know about technology. Well, he and his ex mistress were VERY SURPRISED I found out about their secret chat and they still don't know I had hacked into my husband's account on an app on his phone I had been studying for a while downloading it myself and figuring out how it worked. I intercepted at the time some very dull messages of his FB who complained she was at home alone and felt lonely (poor darling!!) and had to take the cat (my husband hates cats!!) to the vet, so he wouldn't have given a monkey about her cat, but anyway "he" ignored the message totally. I read the messages and she got no answer. Puff, the message disappeared after reading. Never delivered, never read, but especially never replied to it.
I am not saying at all you are bad people, I just said that you don't have any certainty because these cheaters become more and more cunning if they want. I did establish my boundaries and he failed to respect them. I never said to him, "You are right, you should continue to write to that poor darling woman, That is the dream relationship I always wanted with a man who hides me things", no, I told him I felt disrespected and it was wrong and I was angry about it, I felt hurt, so all he did was "I will try not to contact her" but then he continued, more rarely but he is still in touch. It's been six months of silence, probably the longest one they have ever had. If now I insisted, how would I know for sure he'll stop? He is able to tell me what I want to hear, but then? Setting boundaries is what WE DO, it doesn't tell me what THEY DO. I did set a boundary and told him that his choice is making me hurt, that it destroys all the progress I strongly believe we have made and delays his bereavement. He told me he is over it, he considers her just an acquaintance and that I know is a lie, a person you slept with does not become an acquaintance but I am unable to go any further, so I'd better not ridicule myself even more. I'd better pretend I don't check and don't care.
I wished I had a magic wand and could make all my wishes come true. I wished he was the honest man I knew and who never chose what he did. I know very well I can speak to him again, my "terrible" therapist said I should just be authentic and tell him what things are hurting me and then I have my options open: If he doesn't change and stops all contacts, I can accept that, if I really don't want to divorce, or I can walk away, my choice.
But if I decide to stay there is nothing that will force him into something he hasn't matured, so this is what I need to know. I either accept that or I can file for divorce. That is entirely my choice. She didn't say it is RIGHT for him to do so, she just gave me an explanation as to why he struggles to let go of the FB.
Knowing I don't want to divorce him my "terrible" therapist recommended to look at all the positive things that have changed as a strategy to remain where I am not 100% happy. However she also said "Remember there is no relationship where you are 100% happy because nobody is perfect. Here at least you know his flaws".
I saw so many women around me who divorced and thought they were becoming free from harm and found themselves going from man to man, always unhappy of the next partners, feeling lonely and in economic difficulty. A lady here in the USA divorced twice, has lost her big home, lives in a flat and now is going to move to her boyfriend's she doesn't like at all because she has no money to pay her rent. No, I will not follow their footsteps.
A part from the fact he hasn't stopped all contacts wit the FB, with my husband I have it all, affection, sex and fun included.
[This message edited by Molly65 at 4:52 PM, Tuesday, February 27th]