Joined the forum after lurking a few days to add myself to this club. Apologies for the novel.
My story is a little different in that we had both been contemplating divorce for at least a year before WW started the affair with the guy she left to be with. Myself (37M) and WW (36F) had no children so the divorce wasn't difficult to negotiate. We were both ready to be out of the marriage.
I had been putting up with a lot of crap that stemmed from her depression and was about at the end of my rope, but I couldn't get past those vows I took on my wedding day. In sickness and in health, etc... Our marriage was already doomed before she went to this AP. I say 'this' AP because I have suspicions of drunken hookups and ONS from around five years ago. I never had much more than a gut feeling and she denied anything inappropriate when I asked.
Last October I started seeing the red flags and getting that horrible feeling in my gut that there was another person, but it was almost a relief. If I caught her or she confessed I'd have a clearer conscience about filing. We were so broken that I wasn't all that upset that I was pretty sure she was seeing someone else. By the beginning of December I was ready to confront her with my concerns, but she caught COVID. Just before Christmas I was ready again and she happened to do something very thoughtful for me that day so I decided to put it off for the holidays.
In January my intuition was screaming that she was preparing to file for D, which I was totally fine with. She came close to confessing mid-January when she randomly broke into tears, looking at me and saying "You're too good for me. You deserve someone better than me." I tried to comfort her, then as she kept saying it I asked why she'd say that and if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She shook her head 'no'. Maybe if I'd pushed a bit harder this would have been D-Day.
Finally February 1st she broke down and said she thought we should get divorced. I asked her point blank whether it was because she wanted to see someone else. She lied and said no, claiming it was time for her to be independent. She chose her secret over me, preferring to lie instead of give me the respect of the truth. I didn't like it but I was ready to proceed with an amicable divorce so I let it go.
A couple weeks later she chose her secret again. She proposed an asset split and alimony plan that was probably about $100,000 better than I'd have received from a judge. I figured she was trying to buy her way out of feeling guilty for the lies and infidelity.
Over the next three months I found little opportunities to give her a chance to confess and relieve herself of the mental weight she was carrying around, but she repeatedly denied she was seeing anyone despite some downright comical red flags. Like buying new dresses and trying them on in front of me, then denying she bought them for her new boyfriend, despite normally wearing dresses about once a year.
I said to myself "Whatever. Let's just get this over with." In just a little over four months the divorce went from a request from her to legally finished. I spent $1,900 for my attorney.
I felt good mentally despite being 99% positive she was seeing someone already. I made the decision to not keep tabs on her through social media or friends, and would be moving 1,300 miles away in a couple months so I'd have a clean break.
Then what I guess would be D-Day hit 13 days after finding out the divorce was final. My brother mentioned she was already in a relationship. I said I wasn't surprised, but asked how he knew since I hadn't told anyone my suspicions. He said she'd forgotten to unfriend him on facebook and on the same day we found out the final decree had been signed and filed, she changed her relationship status to "WW is in a relationship with AP". He told my parents that day, but I didn't know it. He also said he facebook stalked AP and he "looks like a giant douche."
I was surprised there was still a some of pain over the incontrovertible proof she'd been seeing someone and lying. I was 99% sure of that already, but somehow seeing it on the screen still hurt. More than that I was upset at the congratulatory messages that indicated many of her friends knew they were together during the divorce. I guess she was telling everyone except me and my family.
I was also embarrassed because I'd kept my suspicions from my family so they wouldn't hate her. They all knew about the new giant douche, and had spent the last 13 days hiding it from me because they thought I didn't know and would be devastated. I had to sit my parents down and give them the timeline and red flags, explain that our marriage was so dysfunctional that I'd wanted out anyway, and that I'd played along and not confronted her because she tried to buy out her feelings of guilt.
In the end what upset me the most wasn't the infidelity. It was the lying before and during the divorce, and then flaunting the new relationship online the same day she found out we were no longer married.
[This message edited by ChoseTheSecret at 3:29 PM, July 5th (Monday)]