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I feel horrible because I’m mean. I cosntantly tell him he’s gross and he’s trash and that he deserves to lose all of us. Almost all day long.

That sounds pretty abusive behaviour, at least to me. I don’t know what you intend to achieve by it. I really encourage you to find a way to vent that’s less destructive, which is also not going to make you feel so mean. I understand the hurt and the rage but lashing out does not ultimately appease the anger and look what it’s doing to you as well, you both end up feeling crap - anger’s a force that’s better expended more constructively, so why not take up more exercise and expend it there for example. Talk to him about how you feel, about your hurt, describe your feelings, communicate the impact of the betrayal on you, but if you really think he’s gross and trash then I have to ask why are you reconciling? If you think his behaviour is gross and trash, then make the distinction between the person and the behaviour, because at the moment it sounds like you are demeaning both of you in destructive ways. It feels like you are trying to even a score. That’s simply not possible. Try and figure what you are trying to achieve. Work to calm your nervous system. Try to treat others the way you would want to be treated. I know it’s hard. I can remember. But I also know the contempt you are expressing verbally is toxically damaging. To both your systems. And I know you probably know all this, but perhaps it’s worth restating here and I hope you take this in the supportive way it is intended.

Edie you’re right.

I 100% am trying to even the score and even our counselor noticed it too, he pointed it out in a round about way and I’m working on it. I feel good in the moment when I say mean things and then I feel like crap after, rinse and repeat. I start my IC next week for the ptsd because it’s pretty severe, you’re also right , he isn’t trash , what he did was trash. I also believe that affairs are also abusive and in that case I feel abused. Again, I don’t feel right doing what I’m doing which is why I put it in here, I know if I’m ever going to reconcile then I have to put the gloves away, it is just so hard.

I appreciate your honesty, I really do.

I am trying to find outlets and I’m wording things better (at least today). It’s just really hard. I will reel back best I can and see if maybe this is just a deal breaker, I don’t know it’s still too early for me.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 11:22 PM, Thursday, February 8th]

I suggest a lot of work with your autonomic nervous system, a lot of different breathing and grounding exercises, lots of fresh air, yoga or similar. That way you can decrease the adrenaline and cortisol flaring and tap more deeply into your feelings, of hurt, sadness, fear, abandonment, resentment, disbelief, discouragement, disgust, self criticism, whatever they may be at any given time. The more in touch with your feelings you are, the more you can process, understand and accept them, instead of trying to vomit them all over someone else in the hope of purging them. Hug, this stuff’s hard…great you’re seeing an IC. Xx

To kind of tag on to this I am REALLY upset on how my H exited his affair.

He basically told her he would talk to her when the time was right and blocked her in his phone, up and quit his job while going in late or not at all to avoid her during his last few weeks and then never talked to her again.

It has been 4 months since they last had contact and I feel like a NC letter would be stupid but I feel like that would open back up contact but I feel like she got off easy, she didn't have to hear him say the words:

"You were the biggest regret of my life blah blah" I know that comes off petty but I feel like I just can't close the chapter because he never did... He said that he lied to her because at that point he was still in the fog and knew he couldn't talk to her anymore but couldn't be "mean" Oh the irony...

Should I just let it go and move on?

He said that he told her towards the end he loved me and his kids and wouln't be with her but then of course for a few weeks (before I found out) saw her again after.

Is this normal to completely just block the AP and not verbally end it?
He admits he was a coward and didn't know how to get out because at that point they were still coworkers but of course that doesn't make me feel any better.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 3:40 PM, Friday, February 9th]