SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Glad you told your parents and can reach out to them for support.

I hope your STBXWH takes in what you said and uses it as a catalyst to change. Unfortunately, you're right and that is who he is and he won't change.

Good update.

Hi Debra, I remember you too. Our DDays were around the same time.

I also think she's married. Why else meet at a hotel? You don't pay for a hotel if you have a single woman's apartment to go to. Unless it was a seedy hotel where escorts might go, but I doubt that from your story.

All the work you've done on yourself is paying off here . . . you've gone right into "grey rock" without even having to try, it sounds like.

I'm glad your parents know now, and you will have their support.

Shit....I have got into our Vodafone bills. I downloaded the recent months bills and scanned through the texts for recurring numbers. One popped up quite a bit and it is for a female choir leader - so she is a distant possibility. But THEN I looked for texts around the days he was meeting people and couldn't see a pattern...I googled the numbers one by one and some of them come up with very very interesting search results but in long lists with other numbers as well.....I think its random hookups.....I tried some numbers I know to see if they didn't as well, and they didn't....I am shaking!

EDIT -actually I'm not sure now, a number I know to be legit just came up as a similar string. I'm researching further

[This message edited by DebraVation at 8:48 PM, Saturday, April 1st]

I suggest keeping this to yourself for now and gathering more info. (Unless you want to be done and are just waiting for the right circumstances to leave. If that's the case, I wouldn't even dig anymore as it really doesn't matter.)

Do you remember the date of the parking ticket? If yes, you can look at the phone records around that date.

Yes it was 15 March. I know he also saw her 4 March....nothing obvious sadly for those dates. He is an old hand at this and will have used Whats app.

Okay, I have checked quite a few of the numbers and not really getting anywhere, I think when you look up some numbers it automatically pulls up links like 'women seeking men' in the hope you'll click on them...I tried it with the numbers from my own phone bill and it did it for some of them as well...so I don't think this is conclusive proof. I think I will give up on that. I have to not bother what he's up to.

On a more positive note, had a lovely afternoon with my parents. My dad loves a project and likes to focus on actions to fix a situation so (helped by the fact we've been through this once already) I now have some actions to take forward to start sorting myself out and resolve this...we went through some options and I feel so much better about the financial and housing situation. So - apart from the kids weighing on my mind - I think I will be able to get through this to the other side and I don't think I'll think about him with any fondness at all really. I am feeling so much better and I think this will turn out alright for me. I actually feel slightly optimistic that finding this out may end up being a blessing eventually.

Debra, I am new to this site and read this thread because I am trying to suck up as much information as I can, to arm myself for every circumstance. I wasn’t here for your first go-round obviously, but I just wanted to say that I think you sound amazingly strong; your resolve leaps out from every word. I hate that this happened to you, and I know you are in pain in many levels, but I really admire your level headedness that rises above the devastation. I pray that you can stay strong and take good care of yourself; that alone will make you the very best role model for your children…please keep sharing and venting, this is all some of us have.

Thank you, that means a lot. I was far from strong the first time, believe me. I stayed in bed, I didn't eat, I couldn't go to work. I changed my mind over and over. I can't go through all that again. So - there's nothing special about me, I did it all wrong once and learned the hard way.

Good luck, I know how hard it all is but you will come through the other side.

For me, the silver lining has been that I don't have to put up with XWH and his douche-y behavior. No more putting up with his silent treatment, no more temper tantrums, etc. My life is so much better.

Debra--I also remember you as our first DD's were not far apart. It seems 8 years is the magic fall into back into cheating time as I am here too 8 years later!

It's crazy how little it affected me this time as I always knew in my heart and with the amount of AP's this was going to happen again---regardless I am SO sorry. I went and filled the D but this time I knew with a clear mind that I gave WH a chance of a lifetime and I had zero regrets about ending the M this time.

Ironically I feel so relieved as I hope you do, and since mine moved out I have been happier then I have ever been minus the crap; and turmoil my kids are going through.

Thinking of you Debra, CT101

@Crazytrain, funny how 8 years seems to be a magic number for re-offending waywards! Just on 9 years here...glad I got rid of THAT problem from my life.

I am so, so sorry and at a loss for words.

I am glad you have more clarity this time in figuring out your future.

How funny - sorry for everyone else going through this after 8 years (or at all really!). Nice to know we're not alone!

Strength to everyone. I am off looking at some houses this morning with my parents near their house - not to buy immediately but they are similar designs to ones coming up near me so more out of interest to see what's out there.

Determined that my fifties are going to be a lot happier than my forties have been (I'm 48 now).

Debra--good for you! The sky is the limit! I am glad your feeling some peace--for me is took about 3 months from DD#2 to come out of the trauma and get really focused. Its strange how the second time around rebounding takes less time to emotionally separate.

My STBXH tried saying "I know this hurts"..only after denying the undeniable proof---actually it didn't hurt it gave me likely what I always wanted after DD#1 8 years ago--the chance to get out after giving him the chance at a marriage he never deserved and took advantage of. It sounds like you are as resolute as I am right now.

Ironically I just turned 50 so maybe that's it as with your age of 48--we're confident in our age as well as the situation to know it's time to go.

Hurthalo--yes, seems like cheating re-offenders like the 8 year mark--personally I think my STBXH really only stopped for a short time and was likely cheating much of the last 8 years although I only have proof of about a 8 month period.

I am sad were here but I am very THANKFUL we have found out before we wasted any more of our good years on those not deserving!

I filled in the first online form today applying for a divorce. We're applying jointly and provided we can agree on things (which isn't guaranteed - I am still worried he'll be awkward over the kids) it should be done in six months. It's now gone to him to review and fill in his details etc. So progress is being made.

I also looked at some houses and got the car valued yesterday so I can start thinking about a new one. I am focusing on the nice bits of this process and what my life will be like afterwards!

I found myself feeling sorry for him yesterday as he was massively under pressure work-wise and I found it hard to not be bothered at all, it just isn't in my nature. But I ignored him and carried on with my own life. The sooner it's done and we're away from each other the better really.

You're doing an awesome job under very difficult circumstances, Debra. Very inspiring! Kudos!

Well he's gone out to choir. He reckons it really is choir. I've told him I will tolerate him but I don't like him. I have made a note of the car mileage to see if he really drives there or the hotel round the corner again. I think he's an arse and I do not want him in any sense but it still hurts. Why can't he see that? It's cruel.

In summer we're going to stay with my sister in the USA and I cancelled his ticket today and got half the money back, which is more than I was expecting. He was still saying he was thinking he could still come and find his own accommodation. I told him my sister would probably hunt him down. He has no clue whatsoever. What was he expecting to do - all play happy families? Ugh.

He also spent last night trying to persuade my youngest to go on a 'dads and kids' camping trip with some friends of ours and their church. My son didn't want to go but what honestly makes him think our friends will want to go bloody camping with him when this comes out?

"its only sex" hahahaha.....I just love that. God gave us 2 hands to use - use them! This is utter garbage, not just sex, but the touching, the holding the connection. So sorry OP :(

Leave him

Oh and yes, a church goer?!?!?! Once again, God will save him!!! Urghhhhh