First, PLEASE, for your own protection, get tested for STDs immediately and again in a few months. It’s really critical to your health. And don’t let him make you feel shitty doing it. He has given you no reason to trust that you don’t need to do this.
Sadly, I agree with the other posters. You seem like a strong, independent, capable woman. If nothing is going on with the OW, why did he do this when you were away? Why did he go to the trouble of erasing the security tape? He invited a woman to your home for dinner. He cooked her a nice dinner. He wined and dined her using your home, the dishes/glasses that you eat and drink from. He washed everything up to make sure there was no trail. Any guesses on what else he cleaned up after to make sure that you wouldn’t know how many of the things in your home they used?
Reconciliation, as noted, is not something that happens like this. You seem to have decided to stay with him for now, which is your decision alone to make. Don’t forget that he is also free to make his own decisions and has been making some decisions that affect your life and well-being directly. He has given you excuses, attempted to share blame with you, and obviously, also lied about anything that you didn’t directly catch him at. Do you really trust that you have any semblance of the truth?
Believe me, I get it. We are conditioned in our relationships with them to buy their bullshit. Looking back at my marriage, I can see a million small examples when my WH’s "explanations" were outright lies that I knew didn’t make any sense at all, but ultimately, to be fair, I swallowed it. Cheating on me when we had small children was the point where I could no longer overlook his dysfunctional and unhealthy patterns. But that didn’t mean that I immediately became able to stop buying his bullshit. It took a lot of processing, observing, and relearning old patterns to see through his manipulations and lies and to adjust my own reactions.
If he did not IMMEDIATELY agree to cut her off cold and do it in front of you, he is still cheating. He did not in any way take you seriously if he thinks that he can continue the relationship in any capacity.
He needs to get into IC to figure out his shit. This doesn’t mean that he needs to talk to a therapist about how he’s a victim of his childhood or of life or of you. It means that he completely owns his own decisions and unhealthy behaviors and acknowledges that they need to change.
I know that a lot of this may sound harsh. Please know that it isn’t meant to be. We’ve all been through this. It’s truly hell. We just know from thousands of stories here that rugsweeping and hoping that things just resolve themselves only leads to new discoveries and betrayals down the road. We’ll be here no matter what you decide. We’ll support you with care and honesty. We’ll be here if he betrays you again too. We all know how hard it is to respond in early days when your world is spinning. We’ve all made similar mistakes. No judgement. Just support and understanding of what a mindfuck infidelity is and how much strength is required to recover from it—especially if your WH is working against your healing.
Be good to yourself. Take care of yourself first. Give yourself time to really process what has happened without recommitting to him too quickly if you can. He should be falling all over himself right now to give you ANYTHING you need to work through this.
Is he?
If you don’t feel ready to do anything else, please watch his behavior and think about it. Really think. Is he showing you that making you safe and protected and loved in your marriage is his priority (and by that I don’t mean making you “feel” safe by snowing you or love-bombing you or showering you with gifts, but really making you safe—getting rid of the people and behaviors that ACTUALLY threaten your safety and security)?
Actions not words. Consider words white noise right now. Watch and think, my sister. You are strong enough and smart enough to get through this.
[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 8:56 PM, Thursday, October 27th]