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Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I needed those words today.

Thank you. I am 6 months in and may sleep a little easier tonight- which is saying a lot! Believe me. Thank you. X

If you consider R, consider the fact that the ap affaired down with your WS.

I found that pretty daunting. I saw things in my W that ow did not see. I had admired many of my W's characteristics. I lusted for her. I thought R was the right choice for me, but I needed someone who really knew us to argue against it, and that someone had to be me.

I'm for R when both partners will do the work and when the BS - WS, too - make themselves as aware as they can that R is hard work, with a LOT of unpleasantness and downright pain to work though, not least of which is: the ap, as awful as they are, affaired down with the person the Bs wants to R with.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:55 PM, Monday, June 20th]

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I'm glad to read some of the thoughtful dissents to this post. To be frank, it has never sat well with me.

When you've been blindsided by cheating, even the sturdiest self-esteem takes a hit. If you are prone to comparing yourself negatively to the AP, then I can see how these words might help, and I am glad for those they do.

But ultimately, our worth is held deep down in an unshakable place. It can't be impacted by our spouse running off with the most alluring person in the world. Someone else being a wonderfully complex human with good traits and bad traits doesn't take away from the fabulous things about me. It's not a zero sum game.

I just don't think there's any logical trick to make us feel better about being cheated on. If it turns out the AP was a total loser, well what does that say about our spouse? Do we *want* our spouse to be "scanning the herd for the easiest kill" like some diabolical predator? That doesn't make it sting any less . . . in fact, it might creep me out more than a slippery slope affair.

If this post is the equivalent of listening to a Lizzo song and getting your groove back, great. We all need succor in the days following DDay. But please know that you are your fabulous, wonderful self no matter what. Another person's poor choices can never change that.

The one thing that does ring true is that a person who is choosing to have an affair (either as a single AP or MP) is currently making terrible, selfish, harmful decisions and basically being the worst version of themselves. So anyone who sees an affair on offer and doesn't run away screaming isn't really convincing me of their sound judgment and character. And this is why reconciliation is a long, involved process. The WS needs to commit to being the best version of themselves, but they have a mountain to climb to get there. For a single AP, there must be some reason why a secret relationship with a married person seemed like the best relationship they could get, and those reasons are the kind to elicit pity, not envy.

I come here and read this post almost every day. Thank you.

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My WH seems to actively seek out women I would consider "less-than." I think his self-esteem is so low, he desperately wants to be the "pretty one" in his relationships! Because he sure as shit isn't the smart, driven, honorable, dependable one in ours!

I wish I has seen this months ago! I have spent 6 months obsessing about how it could happen.

My WH spent weekdays away with work and came back at weekends and was totally normal and I had no idea what was going on.

I have spent months thinking about how the OW had the upper hand and that she was what he had chosen rather than me for the 5 months of the affair. If I had read this sooner I may have saved myself a little of the erosion of my own self-esteem.

This has changed my perception of things to a degree. He hated being away and hated the job that he was doing and who he was working with. She was the local ego-boost required and she was happy to live the illusion of being 'special' when in actual fact she was "the trash".

It came to the point where he couldn't do it any longer. He never went back there and has not been in contact with her since Dday (10th March). He came home and told me what had been happening and over time (still now) he answers all of my questions.

Until now I felt like the second prize but maybe I can feel like "it's me he's fighting for; me he's sorry for; me he's trying to be a better man for".

For anyone new to this (like me) I would read and read and read this. Edie is incredible.

Thank you for reposting this! It definitely helped me a year and a half after DD! I’ve had moments and questioned myself! But tried to remain confident! You have no idea how this has helped me!

The OW was younger and thinner! That’s it! I knew she didn’t know her worth (or it wasn’t much), her behavior was trash, & that his mess had nothing to do with me! But this post REALLY confirmed and made me believe it!

Now I’m still left with the question of who am I really married to! And if it’s really worth me staying! 20 years of marriage & now I wonder!

Thank you!

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Excellent read. I wish this was written from a man's point of view, too.

RockHound...maybe YOU could be the one to write something like that .

Excellent read. I wish this was written from a man's point of view, too.

I just read thru this and while it helps to understand what the husband was after, I too wish there was something as well written about a WW.

I'm not in a position to write it though as I'm still in the thick of it and can't seem to fully understand what WW was thinking/feeling.

This is definitely a part of what my wife went after. She told me as much, that she feels like she isn’t as intelligent as me, didn’t have the success stories outside of kids that I got at work, or other people in our social circle talked about. She so desperately craved that external validation. I could have done more to give it to her, but I don’t think I could have done enough. So she went "slumming". And in that world, she was the shining star. She was smarter, prettier, more respectable. At least in the fantasy world they made, because of course both of them were actively desecrating themselves and doing the most foolish things they could possibly spend their time on. Part of what I’m looking for from her is to be self confident enough to just be ok being herself with me. I don’t give one iota about who is smarter or more successful. She is my better in many ways. She needs to be comfortable living in a good, but imperfect, reality, with me.

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This is amazing, and in my case, 100% true.

For better or worse, yesterday I found and read his stashed archive of all WH and AP's texts over the past 2 years. It hurt a lot at first—they were "soul mates" in "love" in some epic tragic affair. But then I looked deeper, and guess what? She was a mess and a train wreck, and he was playing the hero to feel good about himself. She was insecure about me—my education, my career success, my strength, his respect for me (odd that one!). And she was also still seeing another man and lying to him about it—and he got afraid she would give him an STI. Most of all, though, he held her to this ridiculous double standard where he could stay married to me but she needed to end things with her boyfriend. Who would put up with that bullsh*t? Someone anxious, needy, and insecure about herself. Someone looking for a fantasy of love to make themselves feel whole.

He is running from my strength. He is insecure because I do know who I am and am strong and he is not.

It is a game-changing revelation. I am the prize, and he was unworthy of it.

It is a game-changing revelation. I am the prize, and he was unworthy of it.

Good on you, RF!

In my case, WH didn't affair down. She's younger, prettier, thinner, and is actually pretty smart and funny. Guess I'm the exception that proves the rule.