Fsk
It does seem like you are doing the same "mistakes" we see so often here on SI:
You are collecting "proof" to convince her and anyone else that she is cheating. As if it isn’t infidelity to her unless you can prove to her that she is having an emotional affair with him.
The only proof you need is that YOU are convinced that YOU think the relationship with him crosses a border.
Well… with one caveat… You can do a quick five-minute search online to see if infidelity impacts divorce in any way or form in your state. Chances are that it doesn’t in any significant or realistic way. But if it does then I can promise you that screenshots and innuendo won’t cut it. If it does impact D then stop reading this site and contact a PI to get the legal, court-accepted-level proof you need.
But… I am 99% certain adultery doesn’t impact the filing, the speed or the financial eventuality of divorce.
The second mistake is thinking that in a short period (anything less than 1-2 years) you can line your finances up to your advantage in a divorce…
It’s only in movies where your attorney proves your wife is at fault and ensures you get the cars, the house and all the savings. In reality your attorney, her attorney, or the mediator, the judge… everyone involved… are handling 2-3 cases per day or more, and they KNOW how it goes. Chances are that even if you manage to withdraw and hide 20k then in disclosure that transaction is found and accounted for in the division of assets.
Not saying you can’t do anything – but its more like a clean-up or data gathering that helps you make sure the process is fair.
Another mistake is that you pretend to be doing something by doing nothing…
IMHO there tends to be a reason for these mistakes – and they are common!
The reason is fear.
Fact is – you are dealing with what you are dealing with.
Reality is reality.
At the moment she’s having some form of inappropriate relationship outside the marriage.
Now – I am NOT going to state she’s having a full-blown physical affair with him. If he has a past of cheating he might be the typical "fisherman" who constantly is scanning the water and is simply playing with the trout. It is still totally possible that your wife hasn’t gone the whole way. But this is definitely an emotional affair. Maybe even that might turn out to be a one-sided EA, with the OM not realizing that he’s been involved because this action is so "normal" to him.
But… there is no benefit whatsoever for you, for your wife or for your marriage and family to allow this to carry on.
I’m going to suggest the only path I can see that will help you:
CONFRONT
Refuse to accept this behavior.
You mention MC. At the next MC session simply state – NOT ASK – that she’s having an emotional affair with this man. Don’t argue about it – simply state it.
The MC should be able to help you two deal with an EA, or maybe your wife simply states that she wants out or that she wants to keep this guy in her life.
You issue a statement along these lines:
"Wife – I know we are having issues and that’s why we are here in MC. I am willing to do serious weight-lifting to improve our marriage but the reality is that NOTHING I do or try to do will have ANY effect while you are committed to another relationship.
I do not share my wife.
I am accepting your decision to keep him in your life. That is something you are totally free to do. You can let him drive his balls down your freeway BUT NOT AS MY WIFE.
I am therefore absolving you and myself of marital obligations, and am starting the process of emotionally detaching and – eventually – the formal process of terminating our marriage.
There is no rush per se. The process is emotionally hard for us all and takes the inevitable time. We should both get treated fairly by the law. But I am setting off on that path while I experience that at best I am sharing you.
If you want this marriage then I reiterate that I am willing to do A LOT. But I won’t share you. I wont stop my course unless you clearly both tell me and show me that you want this marriage. It will require changes and accountability, but the further I go along my path the more content with my decision I will be"
And then you leave. Make a sandwich or whatever. Just don’t engage her in argument or discussion. All you need from her is either silence – and that means I have chosen Mr. Putter over you – or that she states she wants the marriage.
Once this is over, you contact his wife. No – no anonymous note or some hide-in-the-dark trickery.
"Mrs. Putter? My name is Fsk and I hate to have to tell you but I think there is some inappropriate interaction between your husband and my wife. No – I can’t prove direct sexual contact, but there is an inappropriate amount of texting and messaging and some contains dubious content with sexual inuendo. I feel it is right that you know about this."
To stakeholders in the marriage "We are headed for divorce because my wife chose her relationship with Mr. Putter over me, our marriage and family. I hope you can have some positive impact on her to do right, but I refuse to share her with someone else"
That’s it. You confront and you start the inevitable fight.
If that fight leads to reconciliation… great.
If it leads to divorce… great.
BOTH get you out of infidelity.