SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m so sorry this is happening, but glad you will be "getting out" now rather than later.

I can imagine that you are distressed with whatever trash your WH told your kids. Sure, it was petty, but it clearly and totally shows that he is IN NO WAY putting them first, or even concerned about their well being. Consider telling your lawyer how each of you handled the situation with them.

Also, I wonder if you should - at an appropriate time - say to your kids that you don’t know what their dad told them, and you certainly don’t expect them to share that with you if they would prefer not to… but that you are certainly willing to discuss it / answer questions if that would be helpful.

Kids can be shocked with their parents’ youthful transgressions, but they soon figure out that those isolated poor choices could never outweigh the steadfast, loving parent you have been.

As someone else stated, rise above it. Don’t reciprocate. (There is certainly a world of difference between telling your kids generically about your WH’s infidelity, and his trash talking you to your children.)

It won’t take long at all to realize the difference between finding out there mother is a real person with moments of poor judgement, and their dad purposely badmouthing you to them merely for revenge.

They will be watching how this plays out. I’d bet the farm that will be a win for you - without a doubt.

Good luck to you.

I did ask my 18 yr old DD if she wanted to talk about it. She said, "I’ve been to college, he didn’t say anything bad about you." Kind of cracks me up and makes me wonder at the same time….

He’s been Mr. Dad the last two days: getting up to feed the dogs ( maybe the third time in his life), shopping! Laundry! Making dinner! While at the same time trying to figure out how to lock me out of money to make a down payment on another house and screw me out of my 401k. It’s exasperating.

And no remorse because he wasn’t having an affair, he just erased all those texts because I’m irrational. We’ll see if mediation works Friday, I may be on to Plan B,

My friend thinks he’s a sociopath and he’s been cheating all along, doesn’t want his image blown with his friends, but when the divorce settles he’ll ditch the dogs and kids. For their sake I hope not but I admit I don’t know what I’m dealing with. Thank you for your support and advice. It means the world to me.

It’s three in the morning here. I just woke up because I realized he’s manipulating my income. He told me two days ago he had " lowered the percentage" of my income I was putting away for retirement so I would have more cash. (He did all the finances). And he quit his job so now my income looks higher and his is lower.

I’m contacting the attorney tomorrow to ask her if I should still try mediation with him but his conniving actions have me worried.

You need to change your passwords for everything.

And reinstate your 401j contributions to the Orr ious level.

This guy is a snake. So sorry you are dealing with this.

You need to lock down your credit reports so he cannot get Loans or cards in your name.

Sorry but I’ve had therapists tell me the exact opposite. There is ZERO benefit from telling your kids the reason why you’re wanting a divorce. They don’t need to know that and they will not resent you if you don’t tell them the reasons behind it. Still say it was the wrong thing to do. But good luck.

I disagree.

I do think it depends on the age of the children, but adult or nearly adult children can handle the truth. In fact, by not telling them they will go through the shock and pain of watching their family disintegrate and not know why. Many, even adult children, will blame themselves.

They don't need details. But the truth is their family is falling apart and changing irrevocably and like any human on the planet, they will long to know why.

And betrayeds shouldn't have to spend the rest of their lives lying to their children. That harms the relationship no matter what you might think. The bond between parent and child (in healthy relationships) is strong and when dishonesty takes up space in the relationship, children feel the loss (even if slight) of that connection.

Every situation is unique and I suppose there are plenty of arguments against telling the children but if divorce is imminent and the family is about to dramatically change, leaving the kids in the dark as to why seems cruel. The truth will hurt of course, but as we say here, the truth is better than the lie.

Agreed with TheEnd, as both a BS with young adult children at the time, and as a former child whose family dynamic was destroyed by infidelity. Kids don't need the details and they don't need editorials, but not giving them the basic facts is not essentially different than lying to them, and lies undermine relationships.

Additionally, depending on their ages, kids seem to take things personally and if not told a reason, will think it is (at least partially) their fault. It’s important to tell them enough to confirm it is not them, there is nothing they did or could do. Kids can be kinda self-centered because they are kids—you have to fill the vacuum so they don’t take any blame.

The consensus here on SI is that stakeholders in a marriage are entitled to know in appropriate detail about why the marriage is failing.
This should be done in age-appropriate ways for kids, and in as tactful and non-judgmental way as possible. It’s not done to allocate blame or to get a stakeholder to side with you. It’s done so everyone knows what’s going on.
Here we have late-teenage kids (16 and 18) and they are entitled to know that their parents – their expected family unit – are divorcing. IMHO an appropriate conversation might have gone like:

I am divorcing your dad because I believe he has been having an affair and I don’t think we can work this out to save our marriage. My decision will impact you but has nothing to do with you. This will change how you interact with both of us, but shouldn’t impact how much you love us or how much we love you.

The only wrong thing in this thread is the husbands response. It’s childish and counter-productive.

Thank you for your opinions. I did take to heart both sides but my DS16 is often fighting with my H, he may have considered this his fault. I didn’t give any details.

WH still thinks he has a chance at R. He has made dinner every night this week, spent time with the kids and helped with the dogs. The contrast from the last 18 years is stark. I’m glad he’s being a better dad but I worry that it will all end when we divorce.

We are still living in the same house. I’d like to sell this ASAP so I can use some equity to buy another place ( renting with three dogs would be tough) but he’s coming up with excuses; there’s spot paining that needs to be done and his painter friend is busy, he has a lot of appointments this month ( he’s retired), we need to declutter, etc etc. The market is hot now, I don’t want to wait for the dead of winter .
He wanted to cheat, he says I’m irrational, so why the pitiful desperate show to stay married?

I just want out but I don’t want to move until I have someplace for kids and dogs. I don’t trust he’d move out if I left. So frustrating!!!!

I think Sh1tfixer might be my WH; only two posts and both on my thread. Hmmm. If not no hard feelings.

How important is the possible affair in the decision to divorce?
Is it the main factor? Is it the final nail? The final straw?
Or are you simply so exhausted of no change and this marriage that you want out even if there was no affair?

If you have any doubts about the affair or harbor any thoughts about maybe salvaging this marriage I can share one basic thing that needs to be in place: Truth.

If you have ANY doubts about the divorce, or if your husband wants to convince the family you are imagining things… then a relatively simple polygraph could help. In fact, I would base any decision on if your marriage has a shot at recovery AND it’s future on if he passes a poly OR fesses up so you could rebuild from a base of truth.
What I do see from your posts is that at the very least he doesn’t see fidelity the same way you do. That he thinks the line in the sand is still a mile away or that its OK to be on that line as long as there is no sex (as he defines it).

He asked another woman out ( I confronted him with the text) while he was out at night with me, sitting next to me, to the same place we were having a drink. He deleted all her other texts, lied about it, then admitted to meeting her out at a music venue multiple times, dancing and flirting. That’s enough. I was willing to look into his lame excuse for the text ( let’s meet here together meant with a group 🙄) but it was the lying and coverup that made me realize that I just can’t trust him.

During fights after the last affair he told me that he’s such a good liar he could beat a polygraph. He worked undercover LEO. Another red flag to be proud of lying ability.

I had suspicions for a while I had been ignoring; he’d leave for the store and be gone hours. He said he’d stop in the park to play Pokémon. Honestly even if that we’re true it would still be a check against him! I work FT and get home to make dinner, walk dogs, houseclean while his retired butt did zero to help. The thought of divorce leaves me feeling relieved. My family and friends never forgave him after the first affair; they are very supportive. It’s just the kids, I hate complicating their lives. I’m sorry I can’t give them an intact family.

Weird because my therapist told me not to lie to my kids, ever. Therapist told me to tell them in an age-appropriate manner, so I didn't tell them the messy details but I did tell them why we were staying at Grandma's. Different maturity levels means different versions of events. 16-18 year olds can absolutely be told that a dad had a girlfriend and mom cannot abide. Young adults need to understand that relationships have boundaries and if one party violates those boundaries, then it is okay - the next right thing to do even - to dissolve that relationship. As parents, our job is to demonstrate healthy relationships to our children, and when things go south, how to manage the fallout with dignity and self-respect. I guarantee they will find out the truth eventually and you will have even a bigger mess because you didn't respect them enough to be straight with them. It is not about dropping the offending partner into the grease with the children, its about letting the kids understand truth about their own reality.

If the poster is indeed your STBWXH (soon to be wayward exhusband), he wouldn't be the first to try to use this forum to manipulate their betrayed. That in and of itself would be a red flag, nay, an oversized crimson banner flying behind a plane that he is not a candidate for reconciliation. That is some classic wayward shit right there. It would serve to confirm that you are making the right decision as he obviously does not understand his actions or where you are mentally. I can def understand why the thought of divorce brings peace.

Just keep swimming.

I’m glad he’s being a better dad but I worry that it will all end when we divorce

He's not being a better dad. He's putting on an act. Whether it's to manipulate you into staying married,or it's to manipulate the kids so he can weaponize them against you, remains to

be seen. But it's an act.

I think your instincts are right,about the new member. There is certainly a dismissive attitude towards your pain. Ask for a mod to speak privately with you. They will be able to determine who this new member is,and give you some options.

If this is your husband, then he is spying on you. Change all passwords,and check your devices for spyware.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:45 PM, Monday, August 22nd]

Since I’m only a measly attaché then I can safely say:
Let’s allow the admins and mods to do the admin and mod stuff. That includes verifying and examining users. If they have reason to support the theory about this particular user, then they will take action.

I will say this as a general comment though: This forum is about support. Disputing the sense in sharing with the kids would have been fine had the OP shared that she planned on doing so. I’m even quite certain we would have given her advice on how to do so properly, and even maybe suggested she wait with it or whatever. But that’s not what happened. The OP posted AFTER she had that decision and reprimanding her, and chastising is definitely supportive.
There is one general rule that took me some time to learn and adjust to: If I don’t agree with the OP and the path, they have chosen I can always focus my support to someone else.

He’s love bombing you.

You think the house needs painting? YOU hire someone.

House needs a clean out - call any number if those services snd hire them.

You want out? YOU can make it happen.

Your kids will be fine. Trust me. They will survive this just like you will.

He’s doing more now than the last 18 years? Honestly you know it’s a facade and an act he’s putting on hoping you will "move on" AND sweep this under the rug.

He’s throwing roadblocks at you. You can fudge every one of them by taking control of the situation snd doing what is best for you.

And honestly a life of peace and no drama without his lying cheating ways sounds like heaven compared to what you are living with right now.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:39 PM, Monday, August 22nd]

Today I asked him why he was bothering to get up in the morning and feed the dogs. I let him know that while I appreciated his actions, especially spending time with the kids, that I was going forward with the divorce anyway.

That’s when everything changed, he sent pages of details about my pay to the mediator to try to get spousal support, he’s not agreeing to 50% split our joint bank account.

He suddenly doesn’t care about dinner for dogs and kids. The Jeckell and Hyde show is a little frightening.

I know you’ll all give me the good advice to pull the money myself, I’m just afraid to set him off. His threats have just been to make me pay support ( shot down by mediator) and now to take my retirement but it’s menacing.

He hasn’t left the house by himself for two weeks but he just drove off in a huff, hopefully to meet his friends and not just to sit somewhere and obsess.

In my state, none of the income manipulation would fly in court.

It's easy to argue earning potential vs current income.

Depending on how things work in your state, getting a legal date of separation will stop the clock on shared income/assets.

No soliciting

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:38 AM, Tuesday, August 23rd]