Happy New Years Eve Eve womenz. Appreciate all your feedback, it helps to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way, although I wish we didn't have to, right?
@gmc - keeping my fingers crossed for you on your job hunt
@CBS - amen to everything you said.
@hedwig - good for you for getting outdoors, it definitely does help with the mood and thoughts. Wil make sure I get outside today! I'm envious that you can go to a beach!!!
@BnB - douchenozzle makes me laugh, always!
@skeeter - I love the idea of a mantra. I talked about it with my therapist yesterday. Just need to find one that works for me.
@Ellie - very very true, it's only been a few weeks and I'm WAY better than I was last time. Definitely progress.
It was his daughter's birthday yesterday. We exchanged a few text messages, it was lovely and made me really happy, especially one comment which made me laugh out loud. I didn't overstep, but was glad she responded. It also didn't send me spiraling which is good.
And then today, It's xWBF's birthday today. The main thing I feel is sad for him. Sad that he doesn't get to be with me. His family never really did the birthday celebration thing, so I over-compensated somewhat. I always did thoughtful gifts for him. Last year I genuinely knocked it out of the part - I remember being surprised at his surprise at just how thoughtful the gifts were. I now know he'd already planned on breaking up with me, so he was feeling terrible / guilty / shamed.
In therapy yesterday, when I said that he’s really lost so much goodness and love in his life when he lost me with his selfish actions, I actually wasn’t just saying the words - I actually meant it. I’m a freakin’ catch. I really am. I loved him. I loved his children like they were my own. I made the house a home. I’m smart, funny, independent, well travelled, extremely well educated, compassionate, passionate, kind and generous.
Wow. It’s weird writing down those things as I never really sing my own praises.
I woke up yesterday feeling calm. Knowing - KNOWING - I will be ok. I feel the same way today. This is very good. It's been a while since that happened.
But there is a little bit of pettiness as well - is it ok that I want him to be feeling the lack of me today? And for him to be surprised / shocked when I don't reach out to him - I'm sure he thinks I will, because I'm that kind of person. But I absolutely am not going to. Don't even want to, to be honest. He doesn't deserve my birthday wishes.
As for NYE, I have a couple of options with friends in my bubble, but I'm thinking I might just stay solo, get some take out, and hit the hay before midnight. I kinda like the thought of just sleeping in the new year.
How's everyone holding up today???
[This message edited by Outoflove2020 at 11:22 AM, December 30th, 2020 (Wednesday)]