SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by Aspire at 4:54 AM, Friday, April 3rd]

OP, I just want to give you a heads up that, when life starts to get less comfortable for her and the shine wears off this turd that she's screwing, you might find yourself on the receiving end of promises of change and an endless waterfall of tears.

She's being this smug and brazen because she really can't imagine a universe in which she isn't the brightest start at the center of it... and you're helpless to do nothing except circle her orbit.

But once she starts to see you empowered and moving forward with life on your own, she's going to try to suck you back in. Love bombing. Sex bombing. If that doesn't work, rage and sadness bombing. Don't give in to any of it, trust me. You will regret it if you do.

Yep, already started. For an update, met with an attorney and was told that no matter my contribution, real property assets would probably be a 50/50 split of equity. So I hired an appraiser for the "forever home" on the river and will present her an offer in the next 30-60 days. A couple of bank accounts have been split up , mostly pursuant to an argument, but split nonetheless so I think she's seeing some pull back on my part.

She's now started to initiate some intimacy but its always qualified with statements beforehand of " I just don't want to be played." The other day she tried and I just shut it down, and for the first time in months she started following me around the house wanting to discuss things. I told her I didn't want to argue and to leave me alone and it made her reaction worse. She bounces between "don't touch me and pretend" to "come lay with me"...just all over the map. She IS overwhelmingly concerned with "her stuff" vs my stuff and wants to ensure I'm not building a plan to move out and take anything of hers. As context, I did move some valuables to my sister's house (small amount) and erroneously grabbed two of her items which I promptly returned. But of course now she's worried I'll do more without her knowledge. I assured her I wouldn't, but I also inquired why material things seemed most concerning to her, and not my emotions.

I'm also repeatedly assured they didn't sleep together, but my spidy senses say if thats true then something close to it definitely occurred. I know I'm genuinely less affected by this on some days..inching through the process and pain but its an internal shift and she senses it I think.

She's also juggling two jobs, our daughter getting married, a senior in high school, and I get the constant excuse of how she really hasn't had time to process anything yet. But my observations are very little remorse and regret, and still a lot of apathy during more emotional conversations, especially surrounding how I'VE been affected.

[This message edited by scottmklamath at 7:04 PM, Tuesday, April 7th]

I'm also repeatedly assured they didn't sleep together, but my spidy senses say if thats true then something close to it definitely occurred.

If they ever had opportunity to be together alone(ish), it’s all but certain some form of adultery took place. It’s what adults do. Call her bluff by telling her to write out a full and complete timeline, which will be followed up by her undergoing a polygraph. Watch how fast she backpedals….

You really have a ton on your plate with an upcoming wedding and your youngest’s graduation, as you work toward separation. It does not sound like her heart is into making an effort to R. But you want to make sure that your kids big days are not tainted by your WP’s infidelity and resulting turmoil. Sorry that you have to carry that burden, but this whole thing is unfair to you. Follow your attorney’s advice. Do your best to limit engaging or arguing with your WP. Keep it as businesslike as you can. Not an easy task as you sort out your intertwined personal and business interests.

Her behavior is pretty typical - more concerned with her life and success than yours. At some point, if and when she accepts that you're leaving her, her emotions might get more extreme. She might get angry and lash out. She might beg and cry or try to make a grand romantic gesture to "win you back", but all of it is ultimately about getting what she wants. Until and unless she is ready to sacrifice her happiness for yours, she will continue to be a poor candidate for R.

I hope you're able to find more measures of peace as this process moves forward, especially that you can be in the moment for your kids and their special occasions. A wedding and a high school graduation are also achievements for the parents, so congrats on that!

She's now started to initiate some intimacy but its always qualified with statements beforehand of " I just don't want to be played."

You don't specify whether you have sex when she "initiates", but if you are, cut that shit out right now. Having sex with her isn't going to emotionally fog your brain and make it much harder to detach and make rational decisions.

Perhaps more importantly, sex with your partner is hazardous to your health. You don't know where she's been and what she's bringing home to you.

Bluer, yes any of that pseudo-intimacy wass making detachment tough for sure, but intimacy is officially stopped. We interact personally and professionally daily, so i have that constant mindfXXX. The only pure emotion I know I possess right now is whenever she leaves the house and goes somewhere, I have a surge of anxiety. Has it lessened in 3 months? I can say 'Yes', marginally. But the thought of 100% detachment is really tough to think about. We are inching through the separation of smaller financial stuff and some personal items, so I cannot say that we are actively trying to R in that regard. There are moments of levity where we talk and act "couple-ish" but I've started to wonder if this is just manipulation. Knowing her for 17 years I will surmise its probably 50% genuine, 50% keeping the peace or pursuing an agenda.

Some of the financial support from me has started to wither, and I think its the only way I can see her genuine emotion. The major stuff is still there and I hope to have resolution on some of that over the next month, so we'll see her true colors.

Thats the only update for now.

Hope you've addressed the employment issue with your attorney at your meetings. Labor law can be complex in certain states. I just don't see how I could continue to work with an ex that cheated. New nightmare unlocked...

Is she trying to claim common law marriage? Does your state even recognize common law marriages?

Instead of spousal support and traditional asset division, are you left with one side buying the other out or selling the business outright and splitting according to ownership valuation?

Good luck with everything and continue detaching from her. Stay cordial to her in front of the kids- have the kids been informed of the situation or are you waiting until graduation and the wedding is completed? Again good luck.

Hope you've addressed the employment issue with your attorney at your meetings. Labor law can be complex in certain states. I just don't see how I could continue to work with an ex that cheated. New nightmare unlocked...

Is she trying to claim common law marriage? Does your state even recognize common law marriages?

Instead of spousal support and traditional asset division, are you left with one side buying the other out or selling the business outright and splitting according to ownership valuation?

I'm 100% owner of the business so no issues there. Attorney says I can fire her whenever I want, but to ensure daily continuity with my clients I've kept her on...for now.

No common law in my state so safe there. Which leaves real estate and a split of the equity. She doesn't know I'm pursuing this yet with the key property, but appraisal is forthcoming this week and then I need to talk to the bank about a cash out refi to get her off. Oh, and get her to agree and not take it to court which will give us the same result and only reward the attorneys.

Any risk of a backlash when this comes to a head?
Like… is your business something she can transform to another company? Could she take your customer base or empty the companies accounts?

I don't know if there's a consultant you can meet with to discuss matters like this, but as Bigger pointed out, even if you can fire her legally, that doesn't necessarily mean that she can't burn you in other ways. Does she have access to sensitive client and other proprietary information? Is there some compromise you can make or generous severance you can offer in exchange for her signing an NDA and non-compete clause? Although it might sting to part with money or assets that you earned through blood, sweat, and tears, it might be worth making some sacrifices for your long-term peace of mind.

You're doing fine.

Stay the course. Most men who keep a level head come out of infidelity in decent shape.

Scott, I saw your post just come up today, I haven't been here for a while, but I see you've made a lot of progress in a month, and I think you're doing a great job. I don't know how much I can add but I did want to put in a few comments. As a woman, perhaps.

Do not EVER EVER EVER EVER under any circumstances accept an open relationship with anyone. If it's what you wanted with an agreeable partner....I still think it would be a mistake, but it would be yours to make. But don't ever take this offer from anyone else, it almost never works out and it's a disaster prolonging and worsening an even worse disaster. I'm very glad you said no to that bullshit. That's keep you on the line while she sees if the other relationship is going to work out. The partner who is offered the OR is always the weak partner in the relationship - always. And the cheater wants you to be Plan B in case Plan A...the AP....doesn't work out.

Well, from what you're saying, it sounds like AP did not work out....or not as she thought it would, and you're not the chump she figured you were. After all these years, she thought she knew you so she could hide this from you, and when caught, she thought she could play you, and that's not true. Good for you! So that's why, IMO, she's trying to take up with you again, the bloom is off the AP rose, she's starting to think about what she might lose and you're not married, so depending on your state, she might have an inherently weaker position than a wife. In fact, that could be a reason for the affair, she might have wanted a different status or type of relationship. It sounds like she wanted change generally, and handled it very badly, as they usually do. An affair IS change, but it's not managed or constructive change and it's one sided. It's all about me, myself, and I.

I am NOT an advocate for Recon....almost never. Because the truth is, healing if you do it and it's way overrated, takes forever, and even decades down the road people still have feelings about this. It permanently changes how you view someone. It's not only the act itself and whatever went with it....it's how you VIEW them. It's like finding out your spouse was stealing money from old ladies, or had been a stripper in a bar somewhere or was selling crack to teenagers - I'm exaggerating, but if you found out anything like that....you can't view that person the same way again. You know MORE now and it does make a difference. You know what she's capable of and what she might do again in the future should similar feelings or needs arise. You know what sneak and liar she can be. And how manipulative with you. You know she'd consider an open relationship....at least for herself, but I bet she wouldn't be enthused if YOU went out on "dates". It's usually one way and it's their last chance effort to hold onto AP and the sucker they're married to.

It sounds like you're handling this well and go with your attorney's advice. The only thing I would advise if you do it, is to get away for a while - even just a weekend every so often until you end this process because it will help clear your mind and get you away from the stress. Being away from her WILL be good for you. It will give you perspective and maybe some fun. You need to have that in your life still. Even without this woman, you can have a good and happy life with a future. That's what widows and widowers face too.

My concern for you at this point and perhaps others have raised it here is if she is your only employee, how much can you trust her in various ways in your business at this point when it is likely you will be dissolving this relationship - and probably the business relationship too - you should do BOTH, IMO. I have a friend who went through something similar with his wife - pretty similar actually and she ended up stealing a lot of money from him...well, taking it out of their account whether that is stealing or not....it was underhanded to be sure. She went and moved out on her own eventually and the AP threw her out so....I don't know what she's doing now. He's not taking her back, but they're not rushing into divorce for various reasons, perhaps the business. If you haven't already had these business-employee talks with your lawyer, you might consider it. I personally think she should be eased out of the business but let them be your guide as I recognize it might be a more complex matter because of your personal relationship.

Again, as painful as this is, I think you are doing incredibly well, and I think you'll make it out successfully and have a good future. You can't live with someone who treats you like this. You're not Plan B. I'd just try to make some time for yourself away from her and that whole situation so you can refresh yourself and not be in a stressful situation so much.