SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I do not want my kids to hear things about their mother....

By all means, act ethically. Keep your kids in the loop in an age-appropriate way.

But you do no and cannot control what your children will hear.

If I may ask. I have always been led to believe that French people have a casual attitude towards extramarital affairs. Italy and France. What do I have wrong?

Buy in any case, betrayal is betrayal. No one deserves it. I personally have no problems with moving on. Life is about growth. I will prefer growth over comfort any time. But never betrayal. Betrayal is never necessary.

[This message edited by Grace8At8Tab at 6:42 PM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

I have always been led to believe that French people have a casual attitude towards extramarital affairs. Italy and France. What do I have wrong?

Well, I asked ChatGPT to look online. Indeed, it says that 84% of Americans consider cheating morally unacceptable, compared to 48% of French people. It also states that 20% of Americans report having cheated, versus 33% of French people.

It adds that these numbers should be interpreted with caution.

However, I would say that many French people might consider a one-time affair not entirely unacceptable, but they would not accept maintaining a parallel relationship for months.

If I may ask. I have always been led to believe that French people have a casual attitude towards extramarital affairs. Italy and France. What do I have wrong?

Buy in any case, betrayal is betrayal. No one deserves it. I personally have no problems with moving on. Life is about growth. I will prefer growth over comfort any time. But never betrayal. Betrayal is never necessary.

I am Italian and no, is not casual.

In the past in some places you could be forgiven murder for betrayal, so I doubt that even if not as extreme, is casual

Did you expose the OM widely, that is to everyone in his life,

He needs to be removed from the school.

Did you at least spit in his face?

Did you expose the OM widely, that is to everyone in his life,

He needs to be removed from the school.

Did you at least spit in his face?

Absolutely.

HE can keep your wife, she does not deserve that title by the way, she deserve "this OM concubine" at best.

But he should stay away from your kids, they are innocent

Did you expose the OM widely, that is to everyone in his life,

He needs to be removed from the school.

Did you at least spit in his face?

Until the divorce is finalized, I’m keeping quiet. I do not want my future ex-wife to add delays to the procedure. Unfortunately, I do not think the French system will do anything about it. I plan to send an email to the person in charge of the district, but I suspect what he will do is move my future ex-wife to another school next year.

She sounds very entitled.

She didn’t deserve you. You have remained faithful to your family. She did, and has, not.

Sometimes we have to decide that others’ opinion of us is none of our business and just get on with it. Try to keep your focus on you. As Gisele Pelicot said, the shame is on the other side.

Your whole preamble to your post is trying to convince us that you didn’t deserve this, that you didn’t see this coming, that you weren’t neglectful. I did this also in my first post to JFO in this forum.

We know. The simple fact that your wife cheated, speaks volumes about her character and her conduct throughout your marriage. Most cheaters contribute very ineffectively to the healthy maintenance of a marriage. The very nature of cheating reflects on the character of a cheater, an underlying brokenness that, if not lying in dormancy, has probably been actively, by insidious degrees, eroding at the foundation of your marriage since the very beginning.

Now, the general naïve public may think otherwise because victim blaming makes us all feel less vulnerable to the whims of fate, better about our plight. Victim blaming reassures us that this nightmare only happens to "other people", "those people", those who had it coming, those not tending their gardens, those with poor spouse picking skills. It leads us to believe that being cheated on can be avoided.

The best way to combat this, is to move on and live your best life. If not fall into a new love, fall into love with yourself. Whenever you fall in love with others, there is ALWAYS risk. No matter how well you vet your future partners. No matter how well you tend your garden. There is always risk. There’s few things in life worth a damn that don’t have some reciprocal element of risk.

I’m in a new relationship now and fully understand that I can be cheated on again, but so far it has been an amazing ride, putting my experience with infidelity far in the rear view mirror. And although my last marriage ended in disaster, it too was a wild ride that resulted in three beautiful kids and a lot of good experiences.

Is "the ride worth the fall", as the song goes? Would I have taken the ride knowing the fall would have been this painful? No… but it was worth the risk.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:23 PM, Thursday, March 5th]

I feel horrible for you friend. You sound like a man of virtue and honor. Keep that in your life. Hold your head high with dignity. You will find a woman who appreciates loyalty. Let this strengthen your resolve. In my situation, seeking God like never before brought me closer to Him than ever. He caused me to survive. Stay strong friend. Love radically.

The issue here is that Your WW is not the person who needs a transfer...

The other man needs a transfer out of his profession into one where he is not involved with families and children, like digging potatoes

OM was in a position of trust and responsibility and instead he destroyed the family of his student

Threaten and initiate a lawsuit to his organization

Send emails to everyone in his life that matters, parents, grand parents, siblings don't warn or threaten do it quickly too

Your whole preamble to your post is trying to convince us that you didn’t deserve this, that you didn’t see this coming, that you weren’t neglectful. I did this also in my first post to JFO in this forum.

We know. The simple fact that your wife cheated, speaks volumes about her character and her conduct throughout your marriage. Most cheaters contribute very ineffectively to the healthy maintenance of a marriage. The very nature of cheating reflects on the character of a cheater, an underlying brokenness that, if not lying in dormancy, has probably been actively, by insidious degrees, eroding at the foundation of your marriage since the very beginning.

I think you are right. Things were not balanced: investment, demonstrations of love, long-term vision, etc.
And even when I sometimes ask myself about it, I never would have thought that it would end like this.

But one of the reasons is simple: I cannot and will never cheat, and I naively thought that she was the same.
And the context, after 20 years, activated a part of her that had been sleeping.

Stay strong friend. Love radically.

Thanks for your kind words.

Send emails to everyone in his life that matters, parents, grand parents, siblings don't warn or threaten do it quickly too

After the divorce, I will just make sure that some people around him know what he did.
Not out of revenge, but so that no one around him misjudges who he really is.

Honestly I think you are focusing too much on issues you have no control over.
If I refer to the letter you got:

Open your eyes. Your wife is openly cheating on you.
The mother of three children — shameful.
The principal and the teacher.
Months now. Many people here know.

The affair is common knowledge. Based on that someone saw fit to send you a letter then it’s not condoned or supported by others. For some it makes no difference, for some it’s not acceptable. You can’t control that, nor can you control what other kids parents talk about over dinner.
What you can control is how you and your wife let the kids know what’s going on. I take it that with the long-term separation and the divorce process they know the marriage is over, so it’s an issue of letting them know that their mom and their principal are "dating".

There is one issue that tends to hit us parents hard: WHEN you divorce and if your ex-spouse starts a serious relationship with another man, that man takes a certain role in your kids lives. Chances are you know someone that is remarried after a divorce, and has taken on the role as a surrogate coparent to kids from previous relationships. It’s to the children’s advantage that this relationship is as healthy as possible.

This does not mean you condone the affair or what she did. It simply means you are working your best to ensure your kids well-being, and placing that in front of your emotions. Doesn’t mean you have to have coffee with him or them, but might mean you attend your kids recital with him in the same room.

Why focus on revenge? Would that make your life any better or the lives of your kids any better? Think punching the principal in the face will be beneficial to your kids? Think that would stop people gossiping – or would it give them more reason to gossip?

Look – Chances are that you COULD report the principal to authorities. Especially within the EU (France). In fact I probably would.
There are three issues that are important:
For one, he is her superior and there are very strict guidelines about personal relationships between superiors and their subordinates. Any teacher in that school can insist they didn’t get a certain job, task, raise... because his love-interest got it. Same time – if he dumps her – she can insist she is being ignored by him professionally. Any person in that school can report that they were making out where the kids could catch them, having dates on overtime or whatever. It opens up such a can of worms that in most/many companies/organizations this would be considered a very serious breach of expected manager behavior and SERIOUSLY impact a career.
Fact he/she is married or not when this happens is relatively unimportant. It’s not really a moral issue, but one of control and chain-of-command.

Second: The emotional trauma for both the kids and YOU as a parent to be expected to attend events or issues where he presides. Not to mention the possible inability to impartiality if there are issues regarding the kids and you at school.

Third: Some jobs have unwritten moral restrictions and expectations. The local priest can’t hang out at the bar, a cop can’t drink-and-drive, the mayor can’t be seen at the race-tracks, doctors shouldn’t smoke... A principal... well... could hardly work as a stripper... or be having an affair with a student’s parent...

Please pay attention to Bigger. What his suggestions are always to look at the practical instead of the emotional. Anything you do publicly you will live with the rest of your life. Your wife will be someone else’s headache. Leave the two of them alone. Whatever your ex chooses to do will cease to be YOUR headache. Also their affair is already public and probably know to the school.

Your wife’s behavior appears to be part of how she views the world. She gets to do whatever she wants and everyone can accept it, get over it, cry about it…she doesn’t care. That is why the sooner you move on emotionally the better.

There is one issue that tends to hit us parents hard: WHEN you divorce and if your ex-spouse starts a serious relationship

That is the point. Somehow, they will not make it serious. She will not move to his house.

Why focus on revenge? Would that make your life any better or the lives of your kids any better? Think punching the principal in the face will be beneficial to your kids? Think that would stop people gossiping – or would it give them more reason to gossip?

I ask myself this question very often, and I also ask my family. Many are afraid that if I inform the principal’s manager, the relationship between my wife and me will become bad.
On the other hand, I do not care much; my only concern is the kids. And it is really hard to know what is best.
But currently I am convinced that I will inform the manager—not asking for anything, just informing her (and clearly stating that I am not really neutral).

For one, he is her superior and there are very strict guidelines about personal relationships between superiors and their subordinates.

Well, in the French system, he is not a superior… I know it is weird; it is French.

That is why the sooner you move on emotionally the better.

Agree. Only the divorce will allow me to really switch.

A principal that has no effect on hiring, scheduling, costs, work-allocation, progress reports, allocating grants and permits for advancement courses...
Wow... No wonder he has time to chase women.
I know there is probably no LEGAL factor holding him back, but there will be professional consequences to exposure.

the relationship between my wife and me will become bad.

Bad? How can it get worse?

Look – it would be great if you and your wife of over 20 years can be "friends" after the divorce. As in, if you run into each other you can talk, catch up and all that. It would be GREAT if you two can go together to parent-teacher meetings, sit at the same table (even if you have your new wife and/or she has her new husband with you/her) at your kids wedding reception and all that.
BUT... it’s highly unlikely that you will be dropping by on a Saturday morning to mow her garden, or that your friends will invite you both to the same dinner, or that she will be the first you call with some great news.

You probably know people that have divorced. They grow apart. You need the distance to heal, and then you simply grow in different directions. It’s not hate, it’s not spite. It’s just life.

Divorce is never "nice". Even amicable divorce is at best like the surgery-staff that’s about to amputate your foot wearing pastel-covered scrubs instead of sterile green. It’s "nicer", but still hard.
I encourage you to be FAIR. Fair as in follow the laws of France in divorce. If she’s entitled to half the house – let her have half the house. But at the same time – don’t be "nice" at your cost simply to be nice and friendly. Accept that there is pain in divorce and be fair – but firm – and get that paper signed as soon as possible.