SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

People have to start somewhere when they get stuck. So here is what I think you need to do:

1. Get some hobbies. Ones where you meet people and start practicing getting to know them. I am not referring to other women, I just meaning general find some outside interests and start forming friendships.

2. Get to know yourself start asking yourself what you like what you don’t like. Find things that add value to your day. Little treats that provide a boost. Learning to love yourself means treating yourself with actions that show yourself love.

3. Consider whether you would like to go to IC. For me, I didn’t have a lot of deep connections where I could explore things out loud with other people. (I did with my husband, I thought, but I didn’t know myself. IC helped me learn who I am, feel more confident. It helped me see things I needed to work on and what a beautiful big heart I truly have. It helped me connect with my emotions that I had suppressed for so long that I was numb.

Now what does that have to do with what you just said about your marriage? Because over time your perspective will change and you will not accept less than you deserve.

Your wife is way too fucking comfortable. She thinks she can do whatever and doesn’t see you as a person. Over time this may precipitate something in her- think in terms of if we don’t respect ourselves others won’t. I am not blaming you for her behavior but she knows you aren’t going anywhere.

If it doesn’t make her take pause and reassess (the likelier result is this), you may very well start to look at divorce differently. You get one life and to spend it with someone who doesn’t want to have what is one of the most joyous things a couple can share is a lot for her to ask you to sacrifice.

And I do get that the lack of emotional connection can affect a woman’s desire greatly. However, perhaps working in yourself will help you get out of this rut you are in and she just can’t envision it.

Unfortunately, in an affair a lot of women going looking for that emotional connection. The dude can fake that fairly easily- and in my experience I was using that fake connection to bolster me rather than doing the work to reconnect with myself and with him. But thinking I had that did precipitate sex. I believe your wife could just believe that you guys aren’t going to be able to reestablish that and she wants to take that off the table. But that’s not fair at all to you or even to herself.

So I would just do what she is asking- go to roommate mode, do the 180 (great articles on that in the healing library) and focus on making yourself happier and more fulfilled. This could help change your marriage, but the goal is to change yourself. You deserve happiness.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:20 AM, Friday, March 6th]

Bose85,

Your story is both heartbreaking and maddening. Based on everything you posted here, it is hard to see what your WW has done to merit reconciliation. The tattoo episode is consistent with your wife’s behavior based on your prior posts.

It seems like she doesn’t respect you nor does she demonstrate any remorse for her A. She clearly wants to rug sweep and likely believes that you can be bullied into doing the same.

I fully grant that all of this is based on my reading of your posts on SI, which is just a tiny fraction of your married life. But may I ask what exactly are you getting from this relationship?

Apologies if this comes across as too insensitive.

Two boxes of cereal. I'll explain in a minute.
You aren't upset about a tattoo, or the design of the tattoo. It's deeper than that. You are upset because in big and little ways, your wife's actions show consistently that she doesnt value your opinion or your inclusion in her life.
Years ago, my stepson threw away 2 boxes of my unopened cereal. He did it because he was mad that he had to help with the groceries. He snuck outside with them and tossed them in the garbage bin on the curb awaiting the dump truck.
The next morning, he tried to lie and say it was an accident. I won't go Into all the silly details. I startrd lecturing him and my ex came out. He KNEW kiddo was obviously telling a bunch of lies. They were getting more and more ridiculous as he had to cover for the previous lies. My, then, husband proceeded to tell me it wasn't a big deal and I was being petty towards "MY kid" for nothing when all I had to do was "buy some more cereal." Was I pissed at him about the two boxes of cereal or the blatant disrespect and disregard he showed in front of the kids? So when your wife tries to gaslight you, just look at her like she's lost her damned mind and say to her, "two boxes of cereal."