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If I may ask, how long did it take you to reclaim your power? Did you do IC/MC? If so, did you find it helpful in reaching this point?

Sometime on d-day I decided I would not let my W's A ruin my life. I quickly committed myself to healing and to having a good life. I also quickly decided I did not cause the A; it was on her, totally.

Also, although I knew I wanted to R, I quickly decided that wanting and doing were separate. I'd R if I could and D if R didn't work.

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MC? That's a little funny because my W got us time with her IC on d-day. I expected her IC to take my W's side, and I expected her (the C) to look at our M as a system and look for problems in the system. But I thought venting to someone other than my WS would be good for me.

Nope. She placed total responsibility for the A on my W. She checked to find out if I was responding to being betrayed within the range of normality. She told my W to answer questions truthfully, holding nothing back, if she wanted to R, etc/, etc., etc. In 2 years of MC, I'd say my W was confronted 95% of the time and me, 5%. On d-day, she confirmed that I was on a path that would lead to my healing.

Not many therapists can be both IC to one partner and MC to a couple. Ours was able.

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I've always thought that a therapist works for me. I've gone through several bouts of therapy in my life, and it was always because of something I wanted to change in me.

So I recommend choosing what you want to change about yourself and asking the prospective IC if they think they can help you.

Therapists aren't experts on life. They are, or should be, experts at 1) perceiving who and where you are on your journey; 2) perceiving conflicts between what you say you want and what you do; and 3) confronting the conflicts in ways that you can hear and use to change yourself in ways you want to change.

Because believe it or not, you betrayed yourself as well

Completely agreed BackfromtheStorm. I feel like a stranger in my own skin. I don't know how I could have made the choices that led me to cheating on my wife. Even if she decides against R, I need to do a lot of work to reconcile my own self-image.

You need to take the lead on fixing this, and so far I'd say you're off to a good start. I think you've poked around and read enough by now to know it's going to be a long, bumpy ride so I'll spare you some of that.

Thank you for this Pogre, I really appreciate hearing it. BS said that she'd started poking around the forums but found it a bit overwhelming. There are a lot of painful emotions here and it's difficult to know what will be triggering. Her pain is still very fresh; I think in time she might be more comfortable looking around.

On d-day, she confirmed that I was on a path that would lead to my healing.

Not many therapists can be both IC to one partner and MC to a couple. Ours was able.

I recommend choosing what you want to change about yourself and asking the prospective IC if they think they can help you.

Very wise, thanks sisoon. I had my first session with IC last night. It was my first time doing therapy, so I didn't know what to expect. I must say that I had a great experience. It was like having a conversation with pure, non-judgmental empathy that is equipped with the tools and knowledge to help you root out the source of things you don't like about yourself. I wish I'd gone to therapy long before cheating.

Two things my IC said really stuck out:

1. She said that the only question that she considers off-limits when doing couples work is "why" the affair happened. Who, what, where, when - all fair game. But "why" never provides an answer that justifies the affair, and any reasons shared are registered in BS' nervous system as a safety threat. BS is then consciously and subconsciously always on the lookout for those threats, which only hinders their healing.

2. This quote from IC: "Nothing that we talk about that provides you insights is as impactful as changed behaviour". As we continue to progress through sessions we'll be uncovering a lot of things about me that will help me learn more about myself. But it's the tools that she's equipping me with that will help me change my behaviour over time.

For example, last night she told me to start the "ritual of connection" with BS. In order to rebuild safety in the relationship, we need to spend at least 5 minutes every day performing a "devotional act" to the relationship. The specifics of act itself aren't as important as being intentional about its purpose.

I'm already looking forward to my next session next week.

BS has her first session with an IC today - also her first experience with counseling. I hope that she finds her session as helpful as I did.