SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To your original question of how much shame, etc you deserve, I'm gonna say shelf those thoughts for now. You REALLY need to get into therapy. You have so much baggage to unpack from the SA and subsequent trauma, that everything else needs to take a back seat for now. If you dont get into effective therapy, youre going to continue the pattern of bad decisions. It may not even be about cheating.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey to healing.

Like Bigger said, one of the most difficult things for human beings to do is to take responsibility for the bad decisions that we have made. People twist themselves into knots in order to avoid facing the unpleasantness in general, and when this is harm we ourselves have caused, our very natures seem to rebel against what we know to be the truth.

This isn't something defective within us, this is a hard-coded survival instinct. But it does run cross-purposes with the higher levels of human functioning that you already know is at work within you, since you have posted here. You can already feel the call of responsibility to address this situation, and you can feel the weight of emotional gravity intrinsic to this responsibility, all of which is an excellent first step. The difficulty will be in answering "What should I do?"

1) Accept that the past is not something that you can change.

2) Accept that feeling bad about what you have done doesn't atone for your poor decisions, but rather gives you a source of motivation to change yourself.

3) Accept the changes and improvements you make are completely within yourself, and maybe you can make amends to help the ones you have hurt, and maybe you just can't. (Facing that last truth will destroy you if you won't get to a point where you can truly accept "I have built the competence and maturity set things right, and have to accept that I might not have the opportunity to do so.")

3) Acquire the internal and external skills which will empower you to make high-quality, informed, and competent decisions for yourself and whoever else is in your life.

Others in this thread have recommended therapy for excellent reasons, and this will be very important. A lot of therapists seem to be a bit aimless, in my experience, so you might have better luck if you can find one who will help you work on a list of goals like the one above, in an orderly and consistent manner.

Good luck, and God bless,

-M

You haven’t posted for some time so I don’t know if you are reading here or not. Sure hope you are, because so far all you have gotten is good advice.

You ask what you deserve. I guess you were thinking about how much guilt, shame and self-hatred you deserve, but believe me – you deserve NONE.
What you deserve is the same as we all deserve – a life of happiness and content.

I think most of us who have posted believe your past experiences are hindering you along that path, and that your best option is to seek professional counseling in order to deal with that.
Your sexuality? Well... I mentioned that you would be better off being clear on your orientation. But frankly none of us really care per se. We would be offering the same advice irrespective of your sexuality. What I will say is that fidelity is an expected in relationships, so if you identify as bi but are in a relationship with a man OR woman then having sex with another person irrespective of gender is cheating. For example, in a simpler life I have forfeited my ability to have sex with brunettes, redheads... in fact ANY OTHER woman than my wife.

--
I can share that I lost track of my ex fiancé a few years after I broke off our engagement after infidelity. I can also share that the last time I heard about her (a few years ago, after no news for over 20 years) her situation was pretty dire and sad. From a promising career and financial wellbeing, to abuse and living on financial support. My happiness in life, my standing and my whole being did not benefit in any way from that news. If anything, I felt pity and sadness that she hadn’t dealt with her issues. She did not deserve whatever guilt, shame and self-hate she probably carried, not any more than you.

The big difference between her and you, is that YOU can accept that you need help and then seek it. She did neither.

I don’t know if the relationship you are leaving is salvageable or not. It’s not the issue. The issue is saving YOU. Please focus on that, and then see where that leads you.