SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know I need to consider the option of divorce, I think I have become so weak and reliant during the marriage and let myself become dependent,😔

He states he has never pursued an affair since but I think the appeal of her was that she was a friend, his best friend's wife, she was 'dirty' in his words, and kept his secret and demanded nothing in return. He even said he was offered a one night stand by a pretty girl during their second affair but turned her down...he liked the fact his secret was safe with his AF and he could project himself outwardly as an honourable man.

He was texting a female work colleague excessively only 6 months ago with her sending him memes and calling him his work bestie. I explained how I felt this was crossing a line and disrespect and he stopped for a bit then started again and didn't see a problem with it. He still maintains that was innocent but if you have really changed wouldn't you respect your wives wishes and not excessively text female work colleagues?

Your "husband's" words mean nothing in my opinion. At this point, with the extent of his behavior I don't think his actions mean much of anything either. I would never reach the point of trusting him. Statistically speaking this will happen again, if it isn't already happening behind your back today. If you can live in a marriage like that then reconcile, if not get out and start living without that boat anchor holding you down. I'm rooting for you if that is any consolation!

Thank you buffalo bill...I have tried to talk to him about advice I've read on here but he gets angry and states he hates the forums and doesn't care what strangers think about him.
I always admired his ability to bot think about what others thought of him, his uncomplicated mind and easy going attitude but he hid so much from me. He is capable of lying so well I have no way of knowing he is telling the truth now despite his reassurances he is.
I just feel completely hopeless and terrified of splitting up my family and facing life on my own, I am not strong, I hate being on my own and I have no one in real life to lean on. I really am at rock bottom 😢

The fact you are helping him fix this is not an indicator of true reconciliation. He should be 110% invested in saving this marriage if he is truly sorry and wants things to work out. He shouldn't balk at the idea of any and all possible advice to fix this so the fact he gets mad is another bold red flag. At the very very least you should be aggressively pursuing an exit strategy so that WHEN this happens again or he loses the small bit of motivation he has you can be out of his life in a matter hours.

Think of what he’s actually saying here. He did it with his best friend’s wife because it made the experience more exciting.

So when you ask yourself "How could have her at our wedding," How could he be the godfather to her baby?", etc, there’s your answer. The act of getting away with it right under yours and OBS’s noses was a thrill for him. His ex-gf, you and OBS were made unconsenting participants in his and OW’s sexual gratification.

And considering that you have caught him exchanging inappropriate messages with another woman, I am 99.99% confident that he has been sleeping around with others.

Given what you know now, you really need to be honest with yourself who he really is. For example, you said you used to admire that he didn’t care what other people thought of him. Well, now you know the reason… it’s because the only person he cares about is himself. You said he’s remorseful and doing everything right… yet he gets angry and dismissive at the posts here. If he really was deeply ashamed of his behavior, he would acknowledge that our opinions are, at the very least, valid based on his actions. He would also encourage you to get all the support you need to get through this, regardless of whether he agrees with our opinions.

In short, I agree with Buffalo Bill’s advice to you in previous posts, which you should go back and read. If all your husband thinks he needs to do is go to therapy, he’s not doing the work; in fact, therapy might just end up making him a better liar. If your husband wants to reconcile, he should be putting his money where his mouth is. I think you’ll find out EXACTLY how sorry he is if you asked him for a generous divorce settlement as a condition for considering reconciliation.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:29 PM, Tuesday, April 15th]

I actually read buffalo Bill's post to him last night and he said I could have what I was entitled to of the house and his pension but no more because 'what if he needs care when he is older?'.
I just hysterically cried at that point, told him he has ruined my life and can't even believe he cares about whether or not he needs care when he's older when I am just trying to get through the day without killing myself 😢

Agree with BTB.

Curious what he means by "entitled too". Like half? as it would be by default? This guy is a piece of work and Ithink your behavior thus far is an indication of what sort of fighter you actually are. This would tell me you are stronger than you give yourself credit for and I suspect you would be just FINE on your own. This guy is a charlatan and his words hold no value whatsoever. I suspect in due time, he will simply become better at hiding it and are you prepared for what sort of trauma that will bring and willing to give up your irreplaceble time for that risk? If you stay please have a methodical, executable exit strategy. Focus on you, not what's best for "us", that heartless human you live with is not interested in protecting you he is only interested in protecting himself.

Yes half the house and pension and no more. I gave up my career to care for our three kids with additional needs then have worked part time fitted around his career. He is public sector so will retire young with a large payout and be set up for life. He said the other option would be I could have the house but no pension. We only got in the property ladder thanks to me...he wasted all the money from his first home on fast cars and holidays and had nothing to put down on our first home together.

I really don't get how I thought he was so wonderful. I remember feeling down at the time of the affair and was worried I had post partum depression but he convinced me not to go to the doctors. I felt so crap about my body I even had plastic surgery. I realise now I felt depressed and insecure because he was cheating on me 😢

What I just read not only irritated the H out of me but also clearly communicates he is not truly remorseful. You have tried, this marriage didn't fail because of you, this is zero percent on you. Take your half and don't look back. You raised 4 kids (your WS included) by yourself how in the world can someone who is "weak" do that. That does not compute.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and put one foot in front of the other and start walking towards something of value. Replace his failures with your victories and that will start a sequence of events leading to your salvation. Do not waste any more of your life shedding tears, paralyzed by fear, because when you're done you will still be in the same spot.

Evio, my heart goes out to you. Part of your WH’s response and personality sounds familiar. You are still in shock and processing the past while the present is unraveling too. Your WH still has his mind all twisted to make his treatment of you and his addiction to BF’s wife OK in his world. You are shining light on truth he doesn’t want to admit to. My WH despised this site, my first therapist, and every book I asked him to read. He started one and wouldn’t finish it - How to help your spouse heal from your A…. He was heartless in the first year of the truth unraveling, and had never been so uncaring or unknown to me. Try to recognize that you are in shock, and take care of your primary needs for hydration and food and sleep. It is the hardest thing you will ever do. Next, remind yourself that you are stronger and smarter and better than you know and find those parts of yourself you love and hold tight. Hold tight to your kids and any true friends and loyal family or pets you may have. Get ready, because it is time for you to call his bluff. He is just not who he has pretended to be, he has been discovered and doesn’t want you reminding him he has no honor. He is in shock too, and instead of leaning in and working to save the M like you need him too, he is turning away and pushing you away. This is how it happened to us.

If you say yes to his abrupt offer to end M, and move to separate to begin the process and give you time to heal and see what you will need financially to live separately, he will likely spiral a bit, expecting you to just stay and deal with this and move on like my WH tried to make me do. I have found my path to staying, but it was in years 4-5 that I was the one asking us to split up and he was the one who wanted to save the M more than me. When you realize that someone is not treating you with love or care, and your brain calms down enough to realize you are worth more, you deserve more and maybe risking upending your life for something new is the best thing you can do to protect yourself from continued pain.

I had very frightening emotional swings when I was processing all the trauma, and the thought of giving up was a constant, but I stayed anchored to my kids and to my self. Therapy taught me to see myself as someone worthy of care, of honesty and respect, and to love myself so hard that my WH’s twisted love didn’t hurt me anymore, and EMDR helped heal the childhood wounds that made me feel unloved and afraid. I hope you are getting help and support and wish you strength for the days ahead. I hope for you to find your path through this and come out stronger and happier.

You will find that once you start to emotionally detach from him and get some perspective, you will gain clarity on your situation and notice red flags that you didn't at the time. I think that's already starting to happen right now, such as this:

I really don't get how I thought he was so wonderful. I remember feeling down at the time of the affair and was worried I had post partum depression but he convinced me not to go to the doctors. I felt so crap about my body I even had plastic surgery. I realise now I felt depressed and insecure because he was cheating on me

A husband who truly loved you and wanted the best for you would've not discouraged you from seeking post partum mental health care. He was probably afraid that if you talked to someone about your life and marriage, you would start to put 2+2 together and realize there was a problem... and it wasn't you.

A man who allows his wife to go under the knife and suffer in silence after the birth of their child so he can continue screwing around behind her back is not a man that is capable of guilt or shame. A man who would deceive you and manipulate you for his own gratification while you're married is not going to have any compunction about screwing you over if you choose to divorce.

With that in mind, stop sharing any of your posts or the responses you get on SI, especially any strategic advice. You might even want to pay to change your user name. You really need to protect yourself and your kids. Immediately disabuse yourself of the idea that he will treat you fairly and honestly. Do not deal with him as the person you thought he was or hope he will be in the future.

Lastly, I know the idea of divorce (even just to explore your options) seems scary and overwhelming, so you should check out the Fear vs Reality thread in the Divorce forum to get a grounded perspective to help ease your anxiety:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/497843/fear-vs-reality/

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:22 PM, Tuesday, April 15th]

I’m so sorry for you.

One, he doesn’t get to tell you what you are entitled to if you D. That’s a negotiation and he will be required to pay child support.

Two, he’s doesn’t get it. Texting another female co/worker after you asked him to stop is it’s downright disrespectful.

Three, he’s does doesn’t care what ANYONE thinks of him. Including YOU unfortunately.

Four, I would not be surprised IF he cheated again. He appears to be a very selfish person who wants what he wants and doesn’t care how he gets it. His recent text messaging against your wishes is proof of his selfishness.

I think YOU need to heal yourself. Forget about him. Stop trying to fix your marriage. Make yourself a priority right now. Re-evaluate your marriage at another time. Don’t try to solve all of the problems at once.

Also I think you should read up on the 180. Stop putting his needs first or the marriage first.

Get your own $ and your own financial plan together. Whether you D or S or R, you will be better off if you are financially protected.

In my first post on this thread, I encouraged you to take a realistic look at divorce. Based on what you share you haven’t done that. What is better for you is that neither has he.
First of all, he doesn’t get to decide what you get and what you don’t get. The procedure, the laws and the judge decide that.
Second, although most states and countries have this 50/50 rule it’s generally a guideline. In most places they talk about equitable distribution – or fair distribution.
It’s not as if they take a saw to the dining room table and you get 3 out of 6 chairs and a two-legged half-table and he get’s the rest. You don’t get half the car with the FO and he gets the RD part... It’s NOT an equal division down the line.

Part of the process is the evaluation of how you two got what you got. It’s the evaluation of why you are financially where you are. If you took time from work to tend to family, if you left a career, or supported his career... that can all be reflected in you getting MORE – like more of the savings, more of the home-value... It can lead to you getting spousal support.

He’s trying to bully you to compliance. He’s telling you that if you want to you can leave but, on HIS conditions, and to a life of poverty. Of course he’s doing this feeling confident you won’t, but if you remain it will be under his conditions. Conditions that – amongst other things – make it OK for him to flirt with female colleagues.

BTW – public sector and inappropriate / dubious messaging with a colleague? That sounds like a potential dismissal on a slow-fuse to me...

BTW – public sector and inappropriate / dubious messaging with a colleague? That sounds like a potential dismissal on a slow-fuse to me...

This, 100X. The risk is even worse if he's active military.

The best way to ensure you and your kids land on your feet after divorce is to do it before his wandering dick costs him his job.

The absolute most important thing you need to do right now is visit with a divorce attorney or two. Get that information in your head. Not knowing how things could go causes way too much stress. Once an attorney lays out for you how things would most likely proceed, and what you are entitled to, you WILL feel at least a slight sense of relief.
With your husbands recent remarks about what he would give you in the divorce and "no more!" Speaks to how stupid he believes you are. Prove him wrong.

Thanks for the replies everyone, they help so much.

I didn't realise it wouldn't necessarily be a 50 /50 split if we break up. I have panicking about how I will afford a home for me and the three children as although they are older teens, autism means they are still a long way off managing independently.

The messaging with the colleague was not inappropriate in content but in quantity and too many in jokes for my liking. Again shows a lack of respect for me.

I have read through some of the divorce reality thread and that's helping..mits crazy the things I worry about like moving furniture, DIY etc...I feel pathetic 😔

I think the constant affection now makes it harder, I feel sad for him for being broken, sad when I see the guilt eating him up and sad that he couldn't see how special his beautiful family was.

I think he almost wants me to end it, he is happy on his own and wouldn't have to face the guilt of seeing me broken day in day out. He could also push all his feelings to the back of his mind and go on being the good guy and get to be the fun dad to his kids.

I am just so worrying I would be throwing always true love, that he might have really changed and someone else will get a good man and I'll be alone, that my kids will resent me eventually and I'll be lonely and spend my evenings, weekends and holidays sad and lonely. I also worry people will say..it was 12 years ago, get over it, and not understand my reasons for leaving.

I know I'm just rambling now, I am literally just emptying my mind as it hurts holding all this worries in

Ohitsyou...that's the thing, I am acting stupid, I believed he was better than me, knew better, thought better and asked his opinion on EVERYTHING despite being highly educated.

I think he almost wants me to end it, he is happy on his own and wouldn't have to face the guilt of seeing me broken day in day out. He could also push all his feelings to the back of his mind and go on being the good guy and get to be the fun dad to his kids.

If he was truly sorry and "broken" as you put it, this thought would've never occurred to you. I think when you're being honest with yourself, you know that he only cares about your grief and pain, and the possibility of losing you, because of the stress, inconvenience, and financial risk that it causes him. He didn't lose a wink of sleep over his actions before Dday, and if you just decided to never speak of his affair again, he would very soundly every day thereafter.

I am just so worrying I would be throwing always true love, that he might have really changed and someone else will get a good man and I'll be alone, that my kids will resent me eventually and I'll be lonely and spend my evenings, weekends and holidays sad and lonely. I also worry people will say..it was 12 years ago, get over it, and not understand my reasons for leaving.

If you found out that Bernie Madoff took all your money in a Ponzi scheme, would you continue to invest with him because he said he was sorry? Would you say that, despite squandering your life's savings, he's still a brilliant guy... so what if, by cutting ties with him, you miss out on the opportunity to make all your money back + millions more?

My guess is that you would say, "No, that's a really dumb idea."

I'm going to reiterate what I said in a previous thread, which is that this didn't happen 12 years ago. This is happening now. He has been lying your entire relationship. You could've been asymptomatic for an STD all these years and not known it. He was a serial cheater in his last relationship, but he didn't change for you, the woman he married and with whom he had kids. He's still having inappropriate conversations with other women, which as myself and others strongly suspect, is only the tip of a very large iceberg.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:43 PM, Tuesday, April 15th]

(((Evio))) I'm just so sorry. It's ok if this is a dealbreaker for you. Sometimes the damage done is just too great to get past. It was for me!

Agree with the others to get a consult with lawyer just to see what a D might look like. I know I'm the type of person who would have never relented on everything my xWS did to me. I had so much disrespect for him after everything I discovered that I became toxic myself and it was time for me to pull the plug. I am so glad I did. Life is free from infidelity and it's triggers and memories on the other side. I couldn't be around the perpetrator (my XWS) that's what the problem was. Even if he had done a 360 and became a model husband I still could not move past all the damage done.

Take a break from R. Maybe start seeing a trauma counselor and get a feel for whether you want to save this M or not. It's ok if you don't and there is no time limit.

*Edited my post as it is apparent I'm getting a bit too attached to this as a result of a similar experience.

It happening 12 years ago and you just finiding out makes it worse in my opinion.

What about a polygraph to understand if this truly did end 12 years ago, would that help? If it did then that would at least inidicate some sense entered into his brain and he put a stop to it all.

[This message edited by BuffaloBill at 9:03 PM, Tuesday, April 15th]