Holding it all in is so very hard. I told several good friends, all of whom were supportive and deeply sympathetic. I haven't told my in-laws, my dad, our kid, or our wider social circle, but they will all find out in a few years if I go through with my current plan to leave my WS after kid turns 18. I only told my mom because she straight up said, "Did he have an affair?" and I refuse to tell lies.
We are currently taking care of my MIL in our house as she recovers from a broken hip and surgery. It is so VERY HARD to listen to her wax on about the virtues of her precious son. WS is an only child, and his dad divorced MIL when she was pregnant to be with another woman. It devastated her. I'm sure she would still find some way to excuse WS's affairs if she knew, because he is her golden child, but maybe I wouldn't have to hear about how wonderful he is.
What has infidelity cost me? My health in so many ways. Every doctor I see tells me to avoid stress. Cue a bitter laugh. I can't stop thinking about how much I'd welcome death right now, but my health problems are not terminal, just severely disabling and incurable. Infidelity has cost me my sexuality, success at work, and self-respect. I'm pretending like everything is happy and okay, when inside, I'm neither happy nor okay. I keep up the pretense for the sake of our child and our families, but I don't think I can do this forever.
There are people who can make peace and find true R. The more time passes (nearly 2 years from dday1), the more I think I am not cut out to be one of those people. Maybe that's okay? Sometimes it takes a while to really know yourself and discover what you want, right?