I am writing this post to seek advice on specific questions. First, some rather long context...
It's 6 weeks from Dday and I've never shared this story, not with anyone. The affair started from January 2024 to early April 2024 (3-4 months) with MM - MM has a young child too. Me and WW have been married for just under 2 years now, with no kids. We have been together for a total of 11 years. I am 36 and WW is 34.
Allegedly ended in April 2024, or underground. You don't know and your wife is a proven liar.
The revelation of the affair occurred when I stumbled upon texts exchanged between my spouse and MM. Following a confrontation, my partner admitted to the affair. According to her, it began with a kiss during a night out, evolving into sporadic meetings (mainly on nights out at bars) and exchanges of text messages over subsequent months. She maintains that the relationship did not progress physically beyond kisses, though I remain sceptical. I know that this was at least an emotional affair.
And you should remain skeptical. You need a complete written timeline and a polygraph to confirm (or to your discretion if you have sufficient means to confirm the accuracy and completeness of the timeline.
When I discovered the affair, she opened up to me about mental health issues she's been having for several months (to the point of experiencing suicidal thoughts). More recently, she has been signed off from work with stress and sought professional help from a doctor. She revealed that part of the affair stemmed from her inability to discuss her mental health concerns with me at the time. MM had been having marriage troubles and she said she was able to confide in him. While I recognize that our communication was lacking during that period, this revelation did not diminish the profound devastation I experienced upon learning of the affair.
My wife also struggled with mental health issues she wasn't willing to share with me, and it was a major issue she had to work through. It doesn't explain the affair itself, but it was a major underlying issue in our relationship. Her unwillingness to share with me had almost nothing to do with me our how I reacted to those conversations and much more to do with FOO issues and her expectation to not show such weakness as a wife and mother.
The past six weeks have been extremely tough, yet we are both committed to reconciliation. I think she is scared that I will leave her, while I'm scared that she still has feelings for MM. She wants things to "go back to normal" but I'm not sure things will ever go back to the old "normal" (interested on views on this).
She isn't really offering you commitment and certainty though, is she. She is offering the word of a proven liar, and you are presumably locking yourself into continued certainty for her. Make no mistake, you are currently in a one way agreement that is only granting security to your wife.
Things will not go back to normal. Not now or ever. You can find a new normal, but it will necessarily be different from the old normal in a number of significant ways. It will take 2-5 years to get there.
Only three of us know about the affair: myself, my spouse (WW), and MM. From my point of view, I want to keep it this way because if our family/friends found out about this, I would find it much harder to reconcile. Unsurprisingly, WW and MM are happy with this too. However, this brings with it's own challenges, and perhaps makes it harder for me, but this is a choice I am happy with (for now). I am also concerned that WW will always be anxious that I could potentially tell everyone, and therefore she may feel trapped with me to avoid the devastation that telling people about the affair would cause for her.
I think you are more scared about revealing it, than you are happy to keep it a secret. Sorry if this sounds accusative. How are you supposed to get support for this in real life if your friends don't know what you are going through? Just us internet strangers?
This also sends a bad message to your wife. That the affair is something that perhaps is worth hiding.
There are a few challenges that I'd like to get advice on:
1) Does anyone have any experiences (positive or negative) of keeping the affair secret from everyone else, including family and friends?
I've seen plenty of positive effects of revealing the A to people that could support me. I will add a caveat that because it is such a polarizing issue, and you are leaning toward R, that if you think this type of person would want to cut your wife out of their life, or otherwise only tell you that you are an idiot for considering R, you might want to hold off. This is a more practical consideration that you might want to manage knock on damage to your personal relationships with others. In other words, if you aren't certain someone you are telling would support you, be prepared that they might need to be cut out of your life.
2) MM (and his wife) are both in our wider social circle as a friend of a friend. While I want to avoid bumping into him as much as we can, there undoubtedly will be times when this is not possible. Is there a conceivable scenario in which encounters with MM, such as in a bar, could proceed without undue tension? Again, does anyone have any experiences (positive or negative) of the person their partner had an affair with still being in their lives?
No.
You will not be able to heal or R while AP is around.
3) Related to question 2, WW has suggested whether I would want to talk to MM - I have declined, but I want to know whether this would be a good idea or not?
Maybe if you get a written timeline, to compare the completeness and accuracy. They have probably prepared and compared stories so far though, so not super useful. It's also a possibility that emotions would spill over. Not sure I'd want to risk it.
4) Going forward, how can trust be rebuilt effectively? Despite assurances from my spouse, I find myself consumed by paranoia whenever she leaves the house. Striking a balance between allowing her freedom and managing my anxiety poses a significant challenge.
Not paranoia. Vigilance. She should share complete electronic transparency. You can't be the marriage police forever. For now though, you should be able to double check everything she says she does. That's how you build trust. Bit by bit. What she says matches what she does, with you having the ability to confirm it.
Trust is "rebuilt" at a rate half as fast as it is built originally and "implicit" trust never returns. It only gets worse if/when you find more lies.
5) Finally, regarding therapy, would individual sessions or couples counselling be more beneficial? Our initial experience with a couples therapist was less than ideal due to the therapist not meeting both our expectations, prompting my decision to pursue individual therapy. My spouse awaits confirmation for individual talking therapy from her physician.
Individual first. Marriage counseling is useful once you believe you are both being honest dealers.
Sorry for the long post and I appreciate anyone who has the time to have a read and give me any advice - all advice appreciated!
+1 for tell OBS. They deserve to know. What if OBS could have ended your wife's deception to you 6 weeks sooner? You become a participant in the lie by not telling OBS.