SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Justsomeguy

Yeah, I would caution against the "our" affair crap. You had no agency, so why would you have ownership. My MC tried that line and I shut her down really quickly

I actually picked that up by some posts here, I think they meant more like they see it as their issue or their mountain they climbed and conquered. I like to personally look at the statement as something that will always be a shitty part of our history but something we BOTH overcame and healed from. So you’re correct damn straight it isn’t our affair in the sense that I helped create it , it’s just unfortunately a part of me now and something we both have to heal from. I would like to refer to it as that vs all about his AP , I don’t even know if that makes sense.

As far as our MC, we see him once a month in between our IC so I will definitely watch how he talks and moves forward. The moment I feel like he is rushing me like really pushing me then I will end it then. He is very good at bringing our religion into the picture ( not saying which one considering guidelines here) but forgiveness is a big factor into it so I can see why he brings it up a lot. My IC is giving him my file so he can read what I told her and one thing is I will not be rushed into forgiveness by her or him , hell my husband who is terrified to lose us isn’t even asking me to forgive him… he knows that shit will take a long time, if forever.

There is no justice in affairs. And forgiveness is not well understood.

I think people feel like forgiving a WS means you wipe away the debt they owe and move on. In my experience, that is not the case. For me, it meant that we both know she can never pay back the huge balance she owes for her transgressions. So I have forgiven the amount of debt she can never repay. But, I still expect her to make amends to the extent she is capable. And she does not get to decide what she is capable of. I get to decide that, but I must be fair. Little by little, with a lot of effort by both of us, we have gotten back into the groove of being high school sweethearts who fell in love young and got married dirt poor out of university. We are back to where the relationship feels solid and we have mutual respect. It took a ton of work. I can respect the woman she is now. I will never respect the woman she was when she did this. And neither does she.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. For either of us. There are things she will say or do that are still triggering for me. And like anyone who has suffered a great trauma, I may overreact and get angry. (not physical) She knows it is her fault, and has to forgive me for my anger or sharp tongue, because we both know where it comes from. Again, I have to be fair, and not make a habit of it.

But both of us will live with the shame she brought our marriage. Her actions have consequences, and she has paid a terrible price. She knows that as much as I try, she has lost the blind trust I had in her. She knows I live with the scars she created through her very selfish act. (and because she loves me, that causes her pain) And she knows that even though it is not visible, she carries a scarlet letter on her for the rest of her life.

It may have been while it lasted, but the price was not worth it. None of this happened overnight, it has been 9 years and it is still evolving, we are still healing. But it is not an everyday topic anymore, not even a regular topic. It affects our lives very little, except on occasion. If you can offer the grace of time, it will get better.

they enjoyed every minute of hurting you

This is what we think.

"the reality is that they weren't thinking of you at all"

I forget where I got that from, one of the books or the second MC.

That is what our realities are when the affair is going on, they usually simply don't care about us. I could see this in retrospect. My wife acted like I wasn't even there, except to avoid my intrusions into her life.

Which REALLY hurt.

One memory sticks with me; I arrive home from a long day at work, empty house, except for the dogs. I am tired and hungry, haven't eaten for 8-10 hours. Nothing quick to eat except milk and cereal. Wife and kids arrive while I am eating, she breezes in with the kids, cheerfully and completely ignores me, but the kids didn't, they had eaten pizza, I asked if they had any leftovers, but she didn't bring any home for me, although she knew I would be home.

They had eaten pizza with the AP, and some others, which she paid for so generously!

I didn't know there was an affair, but i thought: "Wait, we talked today, you knew I was busting my ass and would be exhausted and hungry when I got home, you bought pizza for a bunch of other people and didn't get any for me?"

During the affair actions, you as the BS become an inconvenience, AT BEST.

Standinghere

Don’t you wish you could just wipe your memory clean? I remember sitting at the table after cooking dinner and wondering why he wasn’t eating much with us. We were trying to save money and I thought he was working and all the while he was saving room for dinner with her.

He was borrowing money from his mom and was still managing to find money to take her out to hotels.

When my world is quiet my mind wanders and it thinks of all the times he has would leave to see her and my thoughts immediately go to "what were the kids and I doing?"
Then I spiral.

It’s so freaking fun.

Groot, good question!

Don’t you wish you could just wipe your memory clean?

It reminds me of a joke; a very sick old man comes into the doctors office, he wants a pill that will make him exactly like he was at 20 years old.

The doctor has one, the only problem are the side effects. You take the pill, go to sleep, wake up 20 years old, perfectly healthy, but you are completely broke, and then make all the mistakes you ever made all over again.

The old man then asks for hospice instead.

So, in answer to your question, I think the side effects might be more than I could handle.

Standingthere

Ohhhh. Good perspective!