Hippo,
I am annoyed at threads where the BS "accepts" the WS has offered them all kinds of critters via their activities (some lifetime) and seem (?) to accept that is part/parcel to staying with the morally crippled partner.
Perhaps no one gets out of life unscathed by the destructive choices made by others. I acknowledge that there is a scale in destructive choices (i.e. my kid lied to me to avoid a consequence vs. my partner who took vows promising faith and loyalty cheated on me). Yet, we each decide: How much destruction is too much to continue to have a relationship with this other person?
For some who are betrayed, there is no going forward. It's a deal breaker. Relationship over.
For some it's a matter of recovery and work, and each person defines what that work needs to look like and what amount of change and consistency is enough.
For some it's rugsweeping and glossing over.
I personally believe that for everyone it's fear. Once you learn that ferocious pain that being betrayed brings, how could you not fear others?
Even those who divorce now carry that certainty that when we allow ourselves to become vulnerable with others we are opening ourselves to the possibility of tremendous pain.
IMO, ALL relationships are risk and reward--parent/child, romantic partner, friend, etc. All relationships (to be relationships) require vulnerability and, thus, risk. Anyone I let my guard down for can now hurt me, betray my trust.
Yet, what's the only way to "avoid" pain? Keep my guard up. Don't be vulnerable. And there is so much pain and loneliness (and maybe lack of growth) in that choice too.
No one gets out unscathed. No one.
So, it's up to each of us to judge and balance that risk vs. reward in each of our relationships with others.
I recognize that others on this site don't make the same choices I think I would make in their situation. But I'm cognizant that I am peering through a very small keyhole to their whole life, so my understanding of their situation is extremely limited. Im also aware that my choices are guided by my own perspective and experience, and their choices are guided by theirs. Beyond that, they may initially choose a path that results in too much extra pain and reverse course. And that's okay.
The only skin I have in their game is the brief time I chose to take to read their story and to maybe respond. And I chose to invest my time in that way. If later I feel that it was wasted because they didn't make the choice I was nudging them toward, then lesson learned for me. Will I choose to risk my time again? I decide that. Risk vs. reward.
Like almost everyone who posts more than once on this site, I grow from my time here. I learn from reading. I learn from others who support me and from those who ask me uncomfortable questions. I even find growth in posting, because writing forces me to express my thinking with clarity and creates "aha" moments too.
You say that you're not angry, and maybe saying that you're "annoyed" with a BS who accepts their cheating spouse doesn't rise to a level you would call anger. But I keep noticing your sign off. Isn't it a euphemism for a person who is considering an affair to just go risk death...or perhaps something more pointed than that?
I look at the number of veteran posters who asked what you were actually angry about or suggested that you were possibly angry and redirecting your anger at people who choose to stay. Multiple insightful folks read your initial post as angry. Are you sure you're not angry?
I'm not trying to poke the bear. I'm really asking for you to check in with yourself and explore what's there. Are you comfortable with the choices that you've made or pissed that you "had" to make them because of the choices and actions of your own spouse?
As a related side note, (while anecdotal and not research-based) I've noticed what seems to be gender trend. It seems like more betrayed women are willing to try R than betrayed men--especially if the betrayal was physically sexual.
If I'm correct, I've wondered why. Are women more afraid to divorce? Maybe. Are men less emotionally resilient? Maybe. Lots of possibilities here and much can be said for each situation being unique anyway. I've just noticed what I think is a trend.
Yet, as I pointed out above, even those who divorce carry with them the very certain knowledge that a new partner could still betray them, if they ever choose to be vulnerable again. It's knowledge that's etched in my heart. It's sobering and sad.
And I'm pissed that I learned the lesson so painfully: those we choose to be vulnerable with can also devastate us. I guess I knew it in theory. But the real-life experience is a shit show.