SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

FHM,

You’re probably right. I think I’m just trying to come to terms with everything that’s happened and I guess at my final straw which is shut down and avoid.

I did go on the date, he was really lovely and had a nice evening. I’m not looking to jump straight into anything with anyone, it was just nice to forget everything for an evening and spend some time in the company of someone who actually wanted me there.

I'm glad you had a nice time! Keep moving forward!

Arghhhhh, why am I such a mess?

So my XWP has found out I slept with someone else (my date at the weekend)

I didn’t outright say it to him but, on Monday my anxiety was THROUGH THE ROOF I was shaking all day and I ended up not being able to go to work. I’d been checked out emotionally for a couple of weeks and I guess after I did what I did at the weekend it woke me back up and I’m regretting doing it (nothing to do with my date he was absolutely lovely and the perfect gentleman - it’s me) I guess I wasn’t ready.

Anyway, XWP knew I was in a mess and came to hug me and he asked what it was that’s upset me so much, I panicked and I just said I didn’t really want to discuss it with him…I felt pretty awkward. He figured it out from this. I really don’t know how anyone can have months or years long As because I’d bubble over - I couldn’t even control my emotions after 2 days of the event and I haven’t even done anything wrong I’m single.

He was holding back tears, staring at the ceiling to stop them coming. He said he could have done without knowing (we still live together so of course he will still see me and knows me so well it’s hard to hide that I’m upset or anxious from someone who knows you like the back of their hand I guess) and that he had mixed thoughts and emotions about it but that he also knows he doesn’t have a leg to stand on after having an affair. Tbh I was shocked as I did not think he would care since he’s saying he doesn’t love me anymore. I know people will say I shouldn’t be leaning on him for emotional support or talking about such things with him whether intended or not but, it’s hard not to go to him when he was my person for so long - my friends and family don’t understand either.

I had all these thoughts going through my head and a question only he would be able to answer as I don’t know anyone else who had gone through what we have so, I said I had an awkward question for him and he said it was ok to ask which was "Did it make you feel better?" (Sleeping with AP) He knew what I was asking and he said straight away "no" he said however, it took him longer to feel the way I feel about it - clearly.

We did end up chatting for around an hour though and it was quite productive he does seem to be able to open up slightly more than before (still not much) he did say to me that he knows I feel like he hasn’t spoken much about anything and I find it frustrating however, he’s spoken about his thoughts and feelings a lot more than he ever has done in his life (this is true and I guess I just want him to talk and talk and talk but, we are not the same in that sense)

Anyway, he did offer to have a chat at the weekend I mean, I’m not holding my breath since, he has not once tried to start a conversation with me about anything A related or anything about what’s happened since DDAY nothing at all.

So, I don’t think I will bother attempting to start the conversation at the weekend and just leave it up to him if he does or doesn’t.

My therapist has given some good insight as well overall and some of this I have shared with him but, not in depth but I know I saw realisation creep across his face. He actually took part in taking an attachment styles test as well which he never would have done even 1 month ago. Perhaps he is starting to "get it" now, who knows.

Sorry for the long post, I just felt I needed to vent it out here as I don’t feel like I can to my friends and family. They mean well but, they don’t understand like everyone else on SI.

Thanks for reading/

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 8:10 AM, Wednesday, November 15th]

So I’m trying to get the story straight here. Your partner of 12 yrs had an A with a coworker. After you found out, you get the "I’m not in love with you anymore" song and dance. He lies, stonewalls, minimizes, refuses to talk to you about it. You are currently doing in home separation and he clearly wants to split up. In addition to that, you admit that you had some indiscretions with someone in your home (groping, flashing) that you thought your partner wasn’t aware of but apparently he was/is and it bothered him quite a bit even though he never addressed that with you when it happened. There is also mental health challenges going on with you to which you are seeking medical attention for. The advice given to you was to implement the 180, detach, get yourself into IC. Heal yourself. Take care of yourself first. It sound like he’s made up his mind and is moving on. Which doesn’t help you try to make sense of everything or get answers from him because he’s no longer invested in your relationship anymore. Whether that’s true or not he’s not interested in reconciliation and no amount of you doing the "pick me dance" is going to change his mind. That behavior makes you look weak and needy and pushes him even further away from you. The BEST thing you can do is implement the 180, the hard 180. You also mentioned that you went on a date. Another member suggested that going on dates right now is not advisable. You need to HEAL from the breakdown of your CURRENT relationship before you are ready to start dating. But you went anyway and then slept with the chap. Friend, gently - what are you doing? You’re spiraling, you still have all these loose ends to tie up with regards to your partner and unfinished business to take care of with your home (bathroom renovations). Dating should be the furthest thing from your mind. Going out with friends - yes, surround yourself with friends. I’m all about sexual freedom and you having the right as a woman to have consensual sex with whomever you want - BUT you’re still too entangled with your WP right now. And all that’s going to do is delay your healing and muck up the waters for a clean break. AND it could potentially mess with your head. Just take care of yourself - take care of your mental health. Heal, practice self care. I can’t stress that enough - heal thyself. Your WP sounds like he’s made up his mind on what he wants; you can’t force him to reconcile so all you can do is let him go and focus on your healing. None of this is fair, it doesn’t make sense, and his words won’t align with his actions - and if he’s already checked out of the relationship, what more can you do? I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Blackbird.

I appreciate your response. Yes all of that is correct except no, he didn’t know about what I had done last year until I told him back in July when I found out about his A, I trickle truthed a little and then gave full disclosure a few weeks ago. But, yes apart from that all of what you’ve said is true.

I know I cannot force reconciliation and I have been trying not to do the pick me dance but, I think with my MH issues I’m finding it really difficult to not do this and to implement the 180 in full force - I have been trying. It’s difficult because of everything I’ve gone through with the depression and what led up to it and since, I’m being told talking about everything helps since I kept so much inside so, I don’t know whether I am coming or going in regards to talking it out or not talking or out. It’s conflicting advice…. I don’t feel as though I can talk with my friends about it because they really don’t understand and he does.

I guess I was hoping he was in some kind of fog as people say and would come to his senses but, I do realise that this is all fantasy coming from me. I’m just finding it really hard to let him go. I really am trying to take everyone’s advice but, as I said I’m finding it really hard.

I know it was too soon to go sleeping with someone else and I guess I was looking for validation that I was still desirable to someone however, I do realise that I can only get validation from myself. I’m a human being who’s going to make mistakes/bad choices but, I am really trying here. I know I am my own worst enemy.

Here's the deal, and some people may call this game-playing, but I really don't care:

If you want him back, you need to do a hard 180. Hard. Hard hard hard.

Your natural instinct is to cling to him, to seek his attention and interaction and deep conversations. NO. This is NOT how you do it. All this does is give you a temporary shot of feel-goods during the conversation, angst once it's over, and pain once he goes back to the AP after you've had these seemingly deep interactions. And it gives him a fix of YOU to tide him over.

Be unavailable to him in every way. You want him to want you, but not be able to have you.

What you're doing now will not work. It just won't.

I have a different view. If you want R, make that explicit. Get your wants out in the open and find out if your WSO is interested. If he is, then you can define what R would look like, if you R.

I also recommend reading some of Melody Beattie's works. You may have more co-dependent qualities than is healthy for you. If the books resonate for you or evoke anger, you may in fact be co-dependent, and getting authentic would be a great change for you.

In any case, having sex with your date wanting to be with WSO is questionable, IMO. What were you thinking when you agreed?

I don’t really know what I was thinking when I went ahead and slept with my date. It’s been almost 4 months since XWP left me with no signs of R in sight I think I was trying to convince myself I didn’t love him anymore and just went ahead and did it but, it didn’t make me feel better and it made me realise im still in love with XWP. I think I’m just hurt and confused tbh.

By all accounts his relationship with AP is over… but of course I can’t know this for sure since he doesn’t offer to show me his phone or anything like that since we aren’t together.

He already knows I want to R however, I’ve not brought this up since august since he already said it’s over between us. But, im sure he knows it’s still the case.

What would the hard 180 look like? I know I am co- dependant im trying not to be and im working on this in therapy.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 6:51 PM, Wednesday, November 15th]

He already knows you want to R. He's got you on the hook and he knows that.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/?FAQ=11

I agree with sisoon that some codep work is in order. If you have Spotify Premium, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie is now available in the audiobook section, for free. My MC recommended Facing Codependence by Pia Mellody. (So many Melodys!)

Thanks for the recommendation SacredSoul,

I do have Spotify premium however, we share the account so, I don’t really want him to see what I’m listening to. I don’t know if that’s just embarrassment from me though.

Although, I do pay for it so perhaps I should just change the password and let him get his own Spotify account haha.

Although, I do pay for it so perhaps I should just change the password and let him get his own Spotify account haha.

Yes, this. It's what I did when I saw my STBWXH browsing massage tables on Amazon.

Although, I do pay for it so perhaps I should just change the password and let him get his own Spotify account haha.

That would be a hard 180 move. Do it.

I did change all the passwords to Netflix and Disney etc but in the end I gave them to him as I just felt so petty. But, yes I should do this and just not feel bad

I forgot to mention the other day, that I had sent XWP
A message Wednesday evening whilst I was at work apologising for the conversation on Monday where he found out I’d slept with someone else (I know everyone will say why am I apologising I haven’t done anything wrong and I know this) I don’t like upsetting anyone no matter what they’ve done to me. It’s just in my nature to apologise when I really mean it.

Anyway all I said was "I’m sorry what we spoke about upset you, I could tell that it had but, if I am being honest I didn’t think it would as I thought its what you wanted" I.e for me to move on.

His response was "that’s ok, I think it was also the fact you were clearly not happy about it and I didn’t know what to say but, no worries" I then said "of course I wasn’t happy about it, it’s just confusing" to which his response was "yeah, everything is confusing"

So what, NOW he is confused? Because, I’ve slept with someone else? I don’t think I will ever understand this WS mindset even though I’m technically a MH of sorts I don’t believe my mindset was totally wayward like his.

Yes, I guess he does know he has me on the hook but, I just can’t envision him consciously knowing this as that’s not how his mind works well, not how I thought it worked after all these years together anyway.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

I don’t like upsetting anyone no matter what they’ve done to me.

That's your co-d writing.

How do you expect to go through life without upsetting some people? You've set yourself an unreachable goal. I urge you to bring that quote to an IC session. I urge you to accept that you can't please all the people all the time and that's OK.

It’s just in my nature to apologise when I really mean it.

To me, an apology is worthless unless it includes a commitment to change behavior. What behavior are you committing to change? On what basis do you owe changed behavior to your X?

I think your statement is more co-d. I read you to be apologizing to reduce your own sense of guilt/fear, not because you genuinely think an apology is appropriate.

I do not mean to criticize. I trigger on co-d because I didn't realize my W was co-d for decades. What I always valued in my W, and what she showed me (I thought, at least) at the beginning of our relationship, was authenticity. I loved her for saying 'no' sometimes, because I thought that made 'yes' mean a lot. From the beginning, though, she was afraid to show her true colors, even though she couldn't avoid showing them. I loved those true colors; she thought I loved her co-d behavior.

I urge you to do what you need to do to be authentic and to stop being co-d.

You don't have to stifle yourself to be loved.

I didn’t view it as Co dependent really, I apologise to friends and family if I have upset them as well, not always it depends on the nature of what’s happened.

But, I do see your point and know you’re right.

I felt the need to apologise because I could see how hurt he was about it and that’s what I expected of him when he hurt me as well, it was a genuine apology from my side, but I guess it was partly guilt also.

[This message edited by lostandconfused90 at 7:04 PM, Friday, November 17th]

I am just gonna highlight some things that stand out to me in this thread. It'll bounce around a little so bear with me.

I think I’m just absolutely traumatised by this entire year it’s been a shit show with other things apart from all of this.

Infidelity was the single most painful awful thing I have ever in my life had to go through. I am a very self-aware and emotionally intelligent human and it absolutely obliterated me. I actually just passed the 5 year anniversary of dday1 last week and these days I am in a much better place, but it took time and effort to get there.

I have noticed a LOT of contradiction from you in this thread - not faulting you, just sharing my observations. Just one example:

On Friday I realised I don’t love him anymore either.

it made me realise im still in love with XWP.

It's okay if you're struggling with letting go. It's okay if you still have feelings for him. As much as we wish it would sometimes, for most feelings don't just shut off like a faucet. What is causing some of your angst IMHO is that you are lying to yourself about it trying to force yourself to feel a way. I get it, I promise you I do. 4 months in I was still a hot mess too. Over the initial dday I would say I wasn't functioning well or better for about 6 months. If you're conflicted, then cop to that. If you still love him, then be honest with yourself about that. You can't "fix" things if you run from them.

You also have said several times in this thread that you're 'single'. IMHO, you aren't. Just my 0.02 but you are still way hung up on your 'x'wp.

He refuses to do any self reflection about why he did this, he thinks it’s because he doesn’t love me anymore but, I’m trying to explain to him that’s a justification it’s not the reason. It’s like banging my head against a brick wall.

If you're not with him, then you don't need to have discussions with him about anything other than the logistical business of breaking up.

it was more to get at his AP as she seems to be swanning around no consequences whatsoever for destroying someone else’s life and I’m sick of it.

I get this feeling. I GET it. But if you were 'over' him, then who cares about whoever he's using for his ego validation now?

I posted a slating post on Facebook about him and AP and tagged his workplace in it

If you were 'over' him, then you wouldn't feel a need to make sure to tell the world about what a shit he is.

I understand these feelings, I doubt there's a BS alive that doesn't. And I am not at all faulting you for feeling them or for doing this stuff either. But you keep saying you're 'over' him, and then doing all this stuff which says to me you clearly are not. And it is OKAY of you aren't. It's very early days for you yet and your head and heart are clearly in different postal codes right now. All of that is pretty normal.

We did end up chatting for around an hour though and it was quite productive he does seem to be able to open up slightly more than before (still not much) he did say to me that he knows I feel like he hasn’t spoken much about anything and I find it frustrating however, he’s spoken about his thoughts and feelings a lot more than he ever has done in his life (this is true and I guess I just want him to talk and talk and talk but, we are not the same in that sense)

Just my advice, but STOP having the long deep discussions. You've been struggling to 180 and stuff like this is why you've made it 10x harder for yourself. By continuing to behave like this person is your friend and that you still get to have long deep discussions, you're muddying the waters for yourself. The 180 isn't a tool to get him back or to manipulate his behavior, it is a tool for YOU to get some mental and emotional distance so you can start deciding what YOU want and need. You will find that self-work you need to do pretty hard if you're still invested in his feelings and wants and thoughts.

I don’t start conversations with him, it’s always him starting them with me.

180. When he tries to start a conversation, leave the room. He's manipulating you too you know, with this pushmepullyou bullshit. Stop playing his game.

So, I don’t think I will bother attempting to start the conversation at the weekend and just leave it up to him if he does or doesn’t.

Don't give your power to him. HE does not get to decide anything for YOU anymore.

I just will need to move on without the closure I desperately want.

Closure is a myth. It is not some magical destination. If you want closure, then move out, block his ass, and be done. (I know that is so much easier said than done!) I have been on SI for almost 5 years now and I have seen so many BS's that stick around for weeks or months or years dancing in this toxic two step waiting for 'closure' to happen. Just like Dorothy in Wizard of Oz, the closure was in you all along and it happens when you decide it has. He doesn't get to dictate that for you.

Regarding the MH situation. Look, I get it. I get when you are reeling from the betrayal that you just want ANYTHING to make that pain stop and to feel valued again. Those are valid feelings. But as you have found out, you aren't going to fix anything by applying someone else's genitals. All that's likely gonna do is complicate an already fraught situation. Just my opinion here, but please don't think about dating right now. You are not even remotely ready and you owe it to yourself to focus on doing your self work so you can heal and get yourself into a place where you stand a chance of finding a good partner who values you and loves you the way you deserve.

I’m so tired of all the drama.

Then remove yourself from it. 180 180 180 grey rock grey rock grey rock. If he tries to start a deep conversation? Leave the room. If he is texting/calling asking where you are? Ignore. If he needs spotify/disney/netflix? Let him grow up and figure out how to sign up for his own accounts like literally BILLIONS of other adult humans do. If you're selling the house? You find an agent and grab the reins on that. Stop discussing your feelings with him - you don't owe that to him. Stop asking about his feelings for you - he has shown you his disregard over and over and over again. You want to text him a big apology or whatever? Go post it on the 'Stay NC' thread in D&S forum instead.

Arghhhhh, why am I such a mess?

Yes it is hard to split up, yes it sucks, yes to all of that, but you are keeping yourself in a very unhealthy toxic situation right now and that ends when you say when. You're a mess right now because you are focused on HIM and not on YOU.

Give yourself a lot of grace here too. None of this is easy and no one gets it perfect (I for sure didn't!). Hang in there!

Thanks for your response EllieKMAS.

I apologise I didn’t see it before now as I haven’t been on the forum for a week or so.

I’ll read it properly when I have a moment over this weekend and respond properly I just wanted to let you know I have seen it and wasn’t ignoring you after all the effort and time you put into writing it out.