I just want to chime in with my support to everyone.
I found out 3 years after the A ended, or, my husband ended it. I found out when former ow came back soliciting husband and he refused her. She then got very mad having been discarded 3 years previously and AGAIN refused years later, and spilled the beans on Valentine's Day 2008, and has caused a lot of harassment for YEARS after that 2008 dday.
I've read through this forum and agree there are similarities for me here. The fact that our spouse learned how to successfully manipulate us and got away with it is difficult to come to terms with.As with others here my husband had a technique for dealing with me that involved intimidation whenever I questioned his behavior, my suspicions.Once our spouse learns how to successfully manipulate us, they can use that to their advantage if they want to be evil, do evil things.
I think for us, my husband and I , everything changed for him when he came to an epiphany of sorts. He came to realize the life he was leading was wrong, not the way he wanted it to be, became guilty and ashamed. So he changed, ended it with her and recommitted himself to our marriage. Of course, I didn't know anything about this and the dysfunction he had created during his A continued within the marriage.He just replaced the A with porn, instead of hurting me behind my back with the A he hurt me behind my back with porn.After dday EVERYTHING changed BIG TIME.Not only was he recommitted , he was committed on my terms and these included no more porn, keyloggers on his computer/blackberry use, complete transparency including all his media and technology, getting rid of firends who were not a friend of the marriage, increased communication together, a redevotion to ****US**** and all things US including remaking our sex life. Major changes were made and he was willing to change and go along with the changes I insisted upon.So, that's how I know he loves me. He not only has changed in how he relates to me, but has agreed to and engages in major changes I needed as well. He tells me all the time how happy he is with ***US***and our marriage and relationship now. We do activily work to make our marriage the best, in all ways.
As I said before, our spouse learned how to manipulate us successfully and get away with their behavior.So, personally I think it is important to keep our eyes open if we stay in the marriage after dday.Transparency is super important. I pretty much watch my husband closely although he has changed, is changed, and is devoted and loving and is a model husband. I don't mind watching him so closely and do so to PROTECT MYSELF.
Another thing I have in common with many here is a lack of complete details. I know everything however details like the exact name of restaurants, exact conversations and dates, these things are missing. That's okay though because it
's been a long time of successful rebuilding as dday was 2/08 and I am content with the efforts my husband has made.
Another thing that I have in common with others here is suspicion. Because my spouse successfully got away with it, thought he knew me so well, I do wonder if there was others.I pretty much have come to terms with this also but there will always be that 1% suspicion.
I think the scarest part of this type of betrayal, for me, is the fact that someone thought they knew me soooo well, had me read so well and knew how to manipulate and play me for their own evil advantage.Someone could control and manipulate me, knew how to do it. I find that the pinacle of disrespect to be so used and abused and controled. I do not know if the fact my husband is a successful oldest child and I was the spoiled baby of the family has anything to do with the dynamics here that created this situation. We both fell very comfortably into our role within our marriage together and I wonder if doing such set up a predispositon for his disproportionate power within the marriage.
I think we all here have experienced great disrespect and for our marriages to succeed this has to be repaired.
I'm doing very well, the repair, rebuilding and recovery is going well.I'm so sorry for others who suffer so and are still dealing with their spouse's selfish consequences.
[This message edited by moreroses at 7:42 AM, November 9th (Tuesday)]