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Hello my SI friends,

Really hoping I can get some advice about this, here goes.
As most of you know my H confessed to a COW affair 3 years after it ended. He transferred department to remove himself from the AP and eventually she transferred out to another depot. 6 weeks after DD she transferred to my H’s depot and department because her fiance works there, she is on a different shift so there’s no contact but every couple of months or so he may see her or her fiancee passing in the yard.

I have my boundaries, he knows what is expected of him if she ever tries to make contact or speak to him.

I’m a couple months short of 2 years past DD, my H has been looking for a new job but nothing is available, we’ve thought about selling the house and getting a job that pays less but neither one of us wants to do that, although I have told him it might come to that and these are consequences. The job market is so poor ATM. We do have another option and that is to become self employed, he’s terrified of that, so am I but I do get a really good feeling about this, like it would be a brand new start, an adventure we can do together, my H’s fear of failure takes over him but me on the other hand am a we’ll figure it out person.

His workplace keeps coming up, I know that there’s no contact, I know he’ll stick to my boundaries, he knows what happens if he doesn’t and I’m at peace with that. I just feel disrespected that he goes there, the place disgusts me, the people disgust me, it’s all the memories attached to that place and I just want it gone. I see my H’s point, he goes there to provide for his family, he’s alone in his truck all day, he goes there does his job and comes home, I understand but I don’t like it.

I’m ok for a few weeks then it will come to me, he’s going there, everything happened there, all those people are still there etc and then I bring it to my H, I don’t spiral, no meltdown I just feel disrespected, I know he can’t magic a job up from thin air but I don’t know what to do?.

As always any advice is greatly appreciated.

Bruce.

Hi Bruce,

I don’t have any advice, and we are in a very similar situation

I am the wayward and the AP was a co-worker.
We moved miles away, I changed company, absolutely NC, etc.. but me going to work is still a massive trigger.

It’s a different company, but same field, same line of work. I am specialised in my sector, so if I were to change completely, it’s unlikely I’d make decent money.

If it weren’t for the money (that we need), I’d have stopped working / change path in a heartbeat.

I don’t hate my job, but seeing how my BS is triggered every time, it’s hard. When I have to go to the office (instead of WFH), I can’t sleep at night because of the stress.

It’s genuinely a trigger I would remove from our lives in a second, if I could (and again, we are in a different city, different company, etc.)

Sorry, I know I am not being v helpful.

If you play any kind of lottery, I hope you will win so that work isn’t a problem anymore! (I hope that for myself. I don’t care about being rich at this point, I just want this trigger to go away )

LG,

Thank you for your reply, I’m not completely sure it’s him going to work that is the trigger, more like the place, it’s a constant reminder and there’s people there that I don’t care for at all. I just want to close that part of my life, I want to put that behind me, be rid of the place.

I wish I could win the lottery but i won’t stand a chance, I’ve never bought a ticket 😂. Guess we’ll have to go the sheer grit and determination way then eh.

Since most people spend more on the lotteries than they ever get back, not buying tickets IS winning the lottery. Just sayin'....

You can and do manage this trigger (a very reasonable trigger, I'll add). You can decide to require a job change, or you can decide how you'll accept the sitch as it is.

The one thing I urge you to do is to become comfortable with your decision. Remember: even if your H moves to a great job in a new company, ow can find a job in the same new company. There's no certain way to protect yourself here.

Your H's colleague's may have talked about you, though it's probably old news now and no longer a topic, but it's really no reflection on you. You were in a bad sitch, and you made your choice. No one can ask for more of you.

My reco: If you don't want to force your WS to get a new job, so be it. If you now do want to force the issue, so be it, and don't hesitate to do so.

Hi Bruce,

Here is something you could try to reduce the anxiety besides the self focus that is the healing, but I get that this is an external stressor that digs and erodes at you slowly so it impacts your work even when you are retraining yourself to get back into your center and peace.

I will try to be simple, it may or may not help you, see how it feels for your situation.

The trigger is simply something that hits our subconscious scanner for threats.

When the threats are not touching your life you have no such thing (you don’t watch for terminators every time you hear your ai assistant because you likely didn’t live through judgement day, no Schwarzenegger robot phobia).

When you lived through an existential threat, your lambic system is constantly on alert to some extent scanning the environment to prevent you from experiencing it again.

Usually you don’t worry our closest people may kill, rape, betray you or do any intentional abuse to you.

But you lived through infidelity, so one of the unthinkable things actually happened to you.

When a person experienced it once, from that point on Your system knows this person could kill you, your system knows this person might rape you, your system knows this person may betray you.

Because they proved you in the most painful and traumatic way, they are capable of.

You obviously love your husband, or you wouldn’t have ever given him an undeserved second chance.

Your lymbic system is now stuck between knowing that this man is "capable" of sexual and emotional abuse which is for you a kind of existential threat (while you likely don’t feel like he could kill you, rape you, etc the trigger is very specific to this person and what he did),

While

Your conscious mind has seen some progress and perhaps remorse or regret, that’s the part of you who believes he can change and be lovable, part of your life again.

Here is the dissonance that tears any abuse victim apart from the inside.

So what you do? Part of you want to trust and return to peace and safety with this person. The other part scans for any threat pattern reminiscent of when it happened.

In this case the work. (As in many cases)

A way to calm down the lizard brain who doesn’t think, only scans and respond, is to give it certainty.

Once it is certain it at least calms the anxiety.

The lymbic system was conditioned by the trauma of infidelity.
You can condition it to stop torturing you.

Is not logic, is not fair or reflective of reality (your husband might really be changing), is just conditioning against the trauma conditioning.

You know this person is capable of infidelity.
Assume that every time your back is turned he is indulging in infidelity.

No matter where or when or with who, every time he walks out the door, he is doing exactly what he did.

Your trigger will calm down immediately.

Again, and this is very very important:

This is not the truth or meaning he is still a cheater. He could be a completely changed man. He could be a safe partner. He could be more repulsed from infidelity that you are.

He could be a good person, sincerely reformed.

This is relevant for your aware, emotional part, but is irrelevant for your lymbic system.

Conditioning the,lizard brain to accept that the threat exists and is exactly as bad as it felt, and is forever present until this man is at your side, makes it calm down for a canning for the threat.

Because it is recognized and present, it is accepted, there is no need for it to waste energy in keeping alertness. So it will calm down.

It sounds unfair but it’s not, there is no judgment only intentionally reconditioning what was unintentionally conditioned by trauma.

You can observe your wayward husband behavior and keep healing both of you towards reconciliation.

When some day comes where you truly healed enough to feel true safety again, the lymbic system will naturally recondition itself from "he is a cheater" to "he is no threat" again.

But I don’t think you can skip this step. Not if you want to remove triggers, at least. Conditioning to accept the person who abused you is an abuser and that happened intentionally, willingly, strategically, simply sets the lizard brain to see the person for who they truly showed they are.

They aren’t safe, they’re at it, no need to keep checking, you know what they do, they are predictable. And predictability is not a threat.

No threats, no triggering anxiety.

The unknown is what is scarier than the known one.

If you can keep the conditioning of the nerve system separate from the serene judgement of your husband reforming process it should shut down, or at least calm, so it will not drain energy from your healing and reconciliation.

I am not saying it’s easy, but ain’t hard either.