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It’s been almost 18 months since D-Day. Reconciliation has been a bumpy road, but my WH continues to work really hard on his issues, and we’ve had some genuinely good stretches in between.

What’s really getting to me, though, is the collateral damage from his affair. I’ve talked about some of it here before: friends have pulled away, he left the community where we used to spend a lot of time together, etc. But unfortunately, that’s not the end of it.

My WH’s son is getting married in the summer of 2027. He knows about the affair and he and I have been in close contact in the weeks after D-Day. At some point this year, he and his fiancée came over to our house and told us that, among other things, they had looked at a wedding venue that’s very close to the house where the AP lives. The moment they mentioned it, my body went straight into a panic attack before I could even process what they were saying. Once I had calmed down, I explained to them what had happened and why I wouldn’t be able to go there. Of course, they had no way of knowing that she is living right next door, and they were understandably very shocked.

After a longer period of no contact, my stepson reached out to my WH a few weeks ago and told him that they had ultimately decided to go with that exact venue. After that phone call, my WH came to me and said, "I can’t celebrate my son’s wedding in that place if you can’t be there because of something I caused."

He has since told his son that we’re both very sad about it, but that we won’t be attending.

My WH and I have talked several times since then about whether he might eventually regret his decision and end up resenting me for it. Every time we’ve had that conversation, he has stood by his decision. So eventually, I let it go.

And then all hell broke loose.

My stepson’s biological mother sent separate (!) letters to both my husband and me. She accused him of failing as a father, and accused me of being the b*tch behind all of this and that I was keeping him from attending the wedding. There’s currently no contact between my stepson and us either so we do not know whether she wrote those letters on his behalf. My feeling is that he has also decided that I’m the one to blame, or at the very least that he’s extremely angry with me.

Shortly after he told us about the venue, I wrote my stepson a long, very personal letter. I told him that our relationship matters to me, that our door is always open, and that I also hope he can acknowledge that the trauma symptoms I’m dealing with are real, even if he doesn’t understand them (which is something he apparently told my husband). I never got a response to that letter either.

My husband keeps saying, "Let them. None of them knows what our life actually looks like right now." He would like to meet with his son and his son’s partner any time soon and talk everything through. I think that’s a good idea, but I don’t want to have to be there.

I’m feeling so incredibly helpless and sad that I have to carry all of this on top of the pain of the affair itself.

Will this ever stop if I keep trying to reconcile with my WH?

Will it stop ? Not sure.

My two cents. Everyone is entitled to their feelings.

But it’s how people behave and the choices they make that have the most impact.

The engaged couple could choose any wedding venue they liked. And they did. You as the betrayed expressed your feelings and declined to attend. I’m certain you had no idea that your H would decide not to go to the wedding if you declined.

But he’s entitled to make that decision too.

The XW is overstepping and had no reason to intervene. Your H can have pictures taken (at maybe a different location day of the wedding) so the newlyweds won’t miss out on that aspect.

If the wedding ceremony is not at the venue, your H (and maybe you) can attend.

This doesn’t have to cause drama drama drama unless people allow it to. And it seems as though the XW wants it to.

There are compromises that can be made all around. Your stepson knows the truth but it’s just hard for a non-betrayed to understand the fallout from an affair.

It did stop for us....or at least get a lot less intense. You're in the thick of it right now.

I do like the way your FWH responded "I can’t celebrate my son’s wedding in that place if you can’t be there because of something I caused." Rightly so....this is not your collateral damage. It is your FWH's. Not being able to attend his son's wedding is definitely something he may regret, but any hint of resenting you for it rather than feeling remorse and regret for WHY he's not attending should be firmly on FWH's side of the street to fix. Not yours.

Throw them a congratulatory party after or something to support them while still honoring your needs in healing.

Why don't you want to be there when your FWH and step son meet? I'd want to be in the room, just on the off chance FWH is throwing you under the bus for this. Why would step son believe that you're to blame for this rift?

Ladybugmaam

I just don‘t want to force my stepson into an interaction with me that he clearly isn’t ready for as he chose not to react to my letter. And he has a right to speak to his father without me sitting at the table.

But I like your idea of the congratulatory party! 🥳

[This message edited by 7m46s at 5:40 PM, Tuesday, September 29th]

7m46s, I understand the dilemma in which you find yourself is extremely difficult. The fallout from infidelity truly is a "gift" that keeps on giving. Surviving all of it is a very painful process.

I think your WH wanting to sacrifice attending his son's wedding to alleviate your discomfort is admirable, to an extent. He's owning his actions and the consequences, which is a positive sign.

However...

This is his son's wedding, a (hopefully) once in a lifetime event. It is an extraordinarily special occasion, completely and totally focused on the bride and groom, transcending all other concerts.

I understand that being near the AP and her home would be a trigger for you. But it's just a trigger and learning to master triggers is a huge step towards healing.

You're allowing the OW too much influence upon you and your life. The affair is over. He has no contact with her. It's in the past. Yes, recovery and healing and reconciliation are all fucking hard. I'm certainly not trying to minimize the struggle. Still, no matter what we deal with as betrayed spouses, life goes on. The world, and those we love, are under no obligation to be on hold while we find our footing and move on. It sucks, but there's no way around it.

The wedding is nearly a year from now. There's no way to know how you'll feel at the time, how much more healed you'll be, or how well R has progressed. You might end up divorced by then, so no worries about attending.

The point is to take back control of your life, your recovery and healing, your peace of mind, body and spirit.

So, while I understand your initial reaction to the venue, I also think it's premature and a trauma response. It's powerful, that trauma. No doubt about it. Been there and done that. We cannot let that trauma govern our lives forever.

I think, if you try, you could imagine yourself at the wedding, enjoying the moment, the celebration, dancing, laughing and smiling... reminding yourself that the AP doesn't mean shit to you, her stupid fucking house is just a building, and focusing on your happiness and peace, and the wedding, the family and friends, is way more important to you.