SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Reactive Jealously?

Im 20 months out from my exH, who left me and my children, post affair for my best friend and neighbour, they are till together now which is really hard.

Ive worked lots of myself with therapy, EDMR, exercise and studying. Im happier without him but at times it's still hard, co-parenting with a covert narcissist who likes to rewrite history and make up stories is difficult.

I have moved on and met a lovely kind man, who makes me happy. But recently Ive developed Reactive Jealousy on his past dating, stalking his social and obsessed with his past girlfriends thinking I'm not good enough. Has anyone else experienced this? Im also finding uncertainty on the relationship hard (I know, no relationship is certain)

Ive booked to start therapy again from this and done some research and apparently, it's a sign of OCD with the mind loops and is common post ptsd and trauma.

Any help appreciated. Not sure how long this lasts but it's pretty brutal.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this.

It’s probably a reaction to the Ex and you are in some way trying to protect yourself.

Maybe you feel as though "you should have known" the Ex was cheating. And maybe that is why you are "investigating" the new guy. As a way to protect yourself.

My suggestion is to take things slow with this new relationship. Test the waters and keep your eyes open for red flags. Just b/c you may see some red flags 🚩— doesn’t mean you have to act on them.

I don’t see anything wrong with doing domestic intel via social media on people you may want to date. But if it really becomes obsessive then seek professional advice.

Uncertainty in the relationship? Not feeling good enough? Is this new relationship really "making you happy"?

Don't be so quick to put the blame for these uncomfortable feelings on theoretical issues which may or may not be influencing your state of mind. Sometimes it's wise to pay attention to uncomfortable feelings or behaviors, rather than discounting them or talking yourself out of giving them credence.

Agree with 1st wife that it's absolutely okay to investigate people using social media.

And please give yourself permission to take things slow, and please pay attention to any potential red flags rather than try to explain them away. Sure, those uncomfortable feelings about the new relationship could be some kind of Reactive Jealousy. Or, could be your self-protective inner voice sounding a red flag alert worth noting.

If you think your feelings and behaviors are truly getting obsessive seeing a therapist is the right thing to do. So far sounds like you're handling things well. When you see the therapist could be a great opportunity to discuss this new relationship - anything about it that's causing concern.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 1:31 AM, Sunday, September 27th]

It’s worth to look inside to understand what issue is hiding unnamed yet.

If you are I a new relationship, keep the emotional energy in the relationship, is very important.

Did you tell your new partner about this?

We are at 29 months post D-Day and the jealousy issue on my part is very very slowly getting better. It's not easy because now I have first hand knowledge, unfortunately, that my wife can find another man attractive to the point that she was (is) willing to jeopardize a 27-year relationship / 20 year marriage by having an affair. This is something I never contemplated because I never thought she was that type of woman. Were you to ask any of our family/friends that question the responses would be hell no, you are crazy for even thinking about it, she's a great woman, she would never cheat on you.

Obviously I was wrong. I have since come to the understanding that no relationship is immune from an affair. An affair is a possibility from day one in every relationship and they happen in great relationships good relationships average relationships bad relationships.

Because of this I will never again allow myself to become so deeply attached to her, or any other woman should we divorce. Where I to find out she was fooling around I think I would just shrug my shoulders and execute my exit plan

I know this sounds jaded and cynical but this just seems to be the best way to move forward and protect myself

You are dealing with much much more than I am and I truly feel terrible for you. It's awesome that you have met a guy who makes you happy and it is totally understandable that you may be subconsciously afraid that you're going to develop strong feelings for him and he is going to do the same thing your ex did

Just take your time and enjoy every happy moment this man gives you. Could he make you happy for the rest of your life? Possibly, hopefully. Could he be a Master Level manipulator and cheater? Maybe. So do your research, hopefully you find nothing, and hopefully over time your feelings of jealousy fade away and you will be able to enjoy a great relationship with this guy

Keep the relationship light. Don't make any big decisions. Just enjoy the good feelings you feel when you are with him