SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ugh I can't seem to break the cycle. I found out about the affair on AP's social media as she plastered it on there and I had my suspicions.

Since March last year I've checked her social media daily. It became my safe space for reassurance that nothing was happening (AP didn't know H was still with me and left him when he found out) It's become a really unhealthy obsession that I'm not proud of. Every time she changes her profile picture, I look for faults instantly to try and make myself feel better but honestly, it's like a kick in the teeth every time. However the woman is gorgeous - has a baby face, is mid 20s, blonde and skinny. Me on the other hand I'm in my 30s, carry baby weight and I'm so insecure about myself - all of this certainly hasn't helped.

This isn't healthy and I'm certainly not proud of it, however I've recognised it needs to stop. I've tried blocking her but then I get massive waves of anxiety that something may be happening that I'm not aware of, and I unblock her - then the cycle starts again.

I'm so ashamed of this.

Our sex life has gone down the pan. He can no longer 'perform' and there's always an excuse. Yet with her, he would do it in a public car park cramped up in her car with every distraction going. I break down everytime it happens and it hurts badly for weeks.

I compare myself daily to her and I am obsessed with losing weight, I feel so ugly when I look in the mirror and I break down. I even brush my teeth in the dark as the wounds from all of this are so deep.

How do I get myself out of this cycle? This has destroyed my life, I can't tell anybody about it as I'm so ashamed, I will always in my head be second best as he went running after her when it all came out, then came back a month later when she wasn't interested. He reassures me in every way he can but nothing he ever says will make this go away.

[This message edited by hyperactivepineapple at 6:50 PM, Tuesday, August 18th]

Does he want to reconcile?

How do I get myself out of this cycle?

Our brains are quite amazing...but they can be our worst enemy at times as well. Your brain's neural pathway has developed a rut from this cycle so it always wants to go back to what is familiar. You already know what you need to do because you have tried blocking her . But your neural pathway keeps wanting to go back to the rut and it starts this vicious cycle all over again (((HUGS))).

You CAN break this...that is the GOOD thing about neural pathways...you just need to make a new neural pathway . It isn't easy...but it is very much worth the work! I was looking through your past posts and noticed that you wrote something very similar to this thread a little over a year ago. That is a LONG time to be suffering over this Dear Lady.

Comparing ourselves to the adultery co-conspirator is normal at first. You know that this isn't healthy for you anymore...so you are ready to move on to a more healthier and happier YOU . That is an awesome first step! As long as you keep moving forward you will get to that better place. Just remember...three steps forward and two steps back is still PROGRESS !!

He can no longer 'perform' and there's always an excuse. Yet with her, he would do it in a public car park cramped up in her car with every distraction going.

Of course he could...that dopamine HIGH is very strong!! Now he has to contend with GUILT...and that is very much a downer!!

I will always in my head be second best as he went running after her when it all came out, then came back a month later when she wasn't interested. He reassures me in every way he can but nothing he ever says will make this go away.

This SUCKS...big hairy gorilla balls SUCKS!!! There is an analogy that is often used on here where a person gets into a car accident through no fault of their own...and they are all broken up. Someone can call an ambulance...EMT's can strap them in and bring them to the hospital. They can have a cast put on their broken leg...or maybe even surgery to get their body back together. But they have to eventually finish the healing themselves. By saying you will ALWAYS be second best in your head...that isn't a path to healing Dear Lady. By thinking that NOTHING your H says will ever make this feeling go away...that won't get you to the path of healing either.

Henry Ford is quoted as saying..."There are two kinds of people: Those who think they can, and those who think they can't, and they're both right." By changing your mindset just a little bit at a time...before long you will be going from CAN'T...to CAN !! You have tried it THIS way for over a year now...and you are in the same place. Maybe you can try a different path now?

Every person has their own path toward healing . For ME...I came up with a mantra shortly after Dday...I was going to OWN this A!! There would be NOTHING that was going to keep me from living MY life to the FULLEST!! I wrote ad nauseam on here about every trigger that I OWNED...I don't know how people put up with me back then !! I also did a lot of research on how our brain works...the dopamine HIGH...and the DROP that follows. The limbic system is really quite fascinating as well!!

I then came up with a Plan B...in case I needed to be on my own. I bought a newer car...in my name only. Then I opened up a checking account and put money in it that would pay for rent...etc...until I could get on my feet. I also got a credit card in my name only as well. I was a stay-at-home wife...and everything was put in my H's name because I didn't have a job. Once I had everything in place for if I decided to LEAVE...I then worked on what it would take for me to want to STAY .

Your situation will be different from mine...but the premise is still the same. You seem to feel STUCK right now...and feeling second best must exacerbate that . I remember when I was feeling out of sorts that I took out a pad and started writing down EVERYTHING I wanted MY LIFE to be . It didn't matter how silly it was or how extravagant it was...if it was something that made me smile...I wrote it down. It was FUN!! Then I started tweaking things...whittling my list down...until I came up with what I wanted MY LIFE to look like. I decided that I wanted a happy and healthy M...with a loving and faithful spouse. I honestly can't remember the exact words after all these years...but it was something to that effect . I then told my H that this was what I wanted. If he wanted the same thing GREAT! But if he didn't...I would find someone who would!! He readily agreed that this was what he wanted too...and we started walking the path to our Mv2.0 (marriage version 2.0)! What has helped us tremendously is walking this path with God leading the way! He will NEVER steer us wrong and we are so THANKFUL for this beautiful M He has given us .

This all didn't happen overnight...but I knew I had to get to a healthier state. My body was already showing signs of internal trauma. My teeth were breaking from grinding them in my sleep at night...my body would start shaking uncontrollably...and I ended up with NINETEEN warts on my hands !! SOMETHING had to change...and it was up to ME to do it. As I healed...my body got much better...and ALL the warts went away!! I wasn't sure that my M would survive...but I knew that I WOULD!!

YOU...CAN...TOO ! You already know the first step because you have done it before . CLOSE that door to the adultery co-conspirator! Block her. When you feel the overwhelming URGE to check on her...do something else instead. For ME...I would think about my Grandchildren ! Whatever it is...KEEP doing it...make that new neural pathway ! When you feel weak and want to check on her...write on here about it . We've ALL been there...and we can help you through it .

After you have conquered...or OWN that step...find something else to conquer . Pretty soon you will find that you have come a LONG way from where you are right now !! Just keep moving forward.

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 4:57 AM, Wednesday, August 19th]

I really like what W2BHA is hitting on here with building new neural pathways. You have to make yourself do it. Once put into practice you ingrain that new path into your brain and slowly deconstruct the old one. It's going to take effort tho. You have to do it. For the sake of your own sanity.

I'm not sure where your husband is with this process tho. Is he doing things to make you feel safe, or is he still modeling a lot of the same behaviors he had right before or during his affair? Has he made significant changes? Do you sense that he's all in? If not, it could be keeping you stuck in this loop. I do buy into the idea that only you can heal yourself, but negative influences can make that harder to do. He can help you with this. Or not. If he's not helping or keeping you stuck you have to think about whether or not you want to continue living this way.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I've read quite a few of your posts and this does seem to keep coming up. Honestly it makes me angry for (not at) you. I hate what infidelity does to people, and a remorseless or unhelpful spouse only makes it so much worse.

You need to start with blocking her, and keep her blocked. Set that boundary with yourself and stick to it. Every time you look her up you're only causing yourself more anxiety and grief. It's pain shopping on a daily basis and it's not good for you. I know you know this. It's not doing you any good at all. Every time you get the urge, instead of looking her up read W2BHA's post instead. Read mine. Make a new post of your own in this thread. Whatever you have to do stop yourself from doing it. You're strong enough. You can do this.