SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey all, this is a little different than a straight up confirmed inferiority case, but I’m definitely in a grey area right now. I have a bad feeling, but I wanted to post this to get some other advice, to see all of what could be going on, and how I should go about this.

Hey all, I hope this is a good place to post this, I’ve been lurking for a while.

I’ll try to break this down as simply as I possible can, but basically I am engaged (F23) to my soon-to-be husband (M29) and there are a few things that have happened that have made me question if I’m overthinking things, or it is weighing on me for a reason.

For some background information, I absolutely love my fiancée to death and he treats me wonderfully, I truly have never felt love like this before. However, I’ve also had very little relationship experience before him, so my wisdom on certain things is cloudy.

First, I’ve noticed lately that He seems to be using telegram more often. I know that he uses the app, but it seems to be much more common now, and I feel like each time I get really close to him, he seems to close out of the tab each time (one thing that struck me as odd, since he doesn’t do this to me with other tabs).

He also has a highly disproportionate amount of female friends online. His best friends are female, and his follower count in other platforms is heavily dominated by female followers. While he compliments me all of the time as well, he also comments on other women’s (online, not in real life) attractiveness and sex appeal quite a bit (again, I wouldn’t say that crosses the line into "cheating" but it has made me uncomfortable on a few occasions, depending on the comments he’s made).

Again, he’s incredibly affectionate with me, and I should also add that he doesn’t exhibit the typical red flag behaviors with his phone (I know how to unlock it, and he isn’t super defensive with it). After going through this sub though, something on my heart told me to ask for a second opinion, and if any advice could be given to me (or if I am genuinely being overreactive about all of this) please let me know.

thank you so much

You just saw a red flag and you immediately recognized it does not fit the pattern of your fiancé’s usual behavior.

Under normal circumstances your 6 year age difference would not matter but you are the age of recent college graduates. It is the age where you are actually still learning about human nature.

The fact that you reacted should slow things down until you get to the bottom of it. If you haven’t said anything then don’t. This is the time to look at other things that might concern you.
One of the first things bs notice is secretive behavior and you now have one to worry about. The behavior that makes me a little concerned is his friends. The fact that he comments about women and has that many female friends might mean he needs lots of validation. Again, take your time. You are still very young.

I don’t know what to make about the Telegram thing other than it’s a suspect app. Something to keep an eye on I guess.

It looks in general like he has poor boundaries. There’s no reason for him to be complementing women online. Nothing wrong with you having a conversation with him about how it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Welcome from a newer member too — you did the right thing posting this instead of just spinning on it alone.

One thing that might help: your gut and the evidence are two different tracks, and you don't have to resolve both tonight. "Something on my heart" is your pattern recognition noticing a deviation from his normal — you said it yourself, he doesn't close other tabs. That observation is valid no matter what it turns out to mean. At the same time, noticing an anomaly isn't proof. Both things can be true: your feeling deserves to be taken seriously, AND there might be an innocent explanation. You don't have to choose today, and you're not crazy for either noticing it or wanting to be sure.

I'd also gently separate the two things you listed, because they need different responses:

The Telegram thing is an unknown. Unknowns need observation, not a verdict — Cooley and Letmebefrank covered that ground well.

The comments about other women — that one isn't an unknown. It already happened, repeatedly, and it already made you uncomfortable on several occasions. That conversation doesn't require proof of anything; it's just "when you say things like that, I feel ___." How he responds to that — defensiveness, or actually hearing you — will tell you more than the Telegram tab ever will.

Last thing: you keep attributing your unease to "little relationship experience." Inexperience can distort things in either direction, sure. But discomfort that keeps recurring doesn't need experience to be valid data. And being engaged is exactly when getting this handled is cheapest. You're not overreacting by noticing. You'd only be underreacting if you carried the question, unanswered, into the wedding.

hugs

Your fiance is complimenting other women on their attractiveness and sex appeal. Think about that sentence for a minute. He is engaged to you yet openly commenting on other females attractiveness and sex appeal. Red flag number one

He closes out something on his phone when you get too close, red flag number two

You are young and have a lot to learn about relationships. My comment is not meant as an insult. Relationships are incredibly complex. You and your fiance are young and you have some years of maturing ahead of you. Again, not meant to be an insult

These days technology has made it incredibly easy for two people to covertly communicate which obviously makes it a lot easier to cheat. You have observed behaviors from your fiance that make you uncomfortable and I strongly suggest you sit down with him and discuss this

Do not ignore this, do not sweep this under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist. Problems that are swept under the rug do not go away, they fester, they grow, and eventually they come back 10 times more difficult to deal with

It was my wife's reaction to me seeing a picture of her in a green dress on her phone that led me to discover her affair. The picture was innocent enough but when I asked about it my wife's explanation and body language told me something was wrong. I set a reminder in my phone to check her texting history in 2 weeks when we got our next cellular bill.

When my reminder went off I had forgotten about the picture. I checked her texting history but saw nothing out of the ordinary and I almost dismissed my suspicions as an overreaction but then I checked her tablet while she was still at work. And that's when I discovered she was sexting with a co-worker

She was smart enough to delete her sexting before she left work each day but she forgot that her tablet and phone were synced. I checked her tablet while she was still at work and that's when 27 years of trust evaporated.

A smart man once said trust yet verify. Wise words to live by

Tell him what you saw him doing and ask him why he was doing it. "Hey, why did you quit out of XXX just now?" " what's going on?" Anything new?

Watch his response.

mudkiphugger926, the question you keep asking yourself is "is he cheating." But the discomfort you described is actually answering a different question, one that matters just as much before a wedding: does his behavior match what I want a marriage to feel like.

You said the comments about other women's attractiveness have made you uncomfortable "on a few occasions." Notice that this is data about your boundary, not about his guilt. "I don't want a partner who comments on other women's sex appeal online" is a preference you are allowed to have. It doesn't require proof of an affair to be legitimate. A lot of people your age talk themselves out of their own standards because they can't build a court case — you don't need one. You need a conversation.

Here is the part I would actually watch. Not the Telegram, not the follower counts — his response when you state the boundary plainly. Something like: "When you comment on other women's looks, it lands on me badly. I want that to stop." A man who says "I didn't realize, done" — even if clumsy — is workable. A man who argues you're too sensitive, turns it into a trial about your jealousy, or stops only where you can see him, is showing you how every such conversation will go for the next fifty years. That answer tells you more than any tab closing ever will.

And one more thing, gently. You wrote that you have little relationship experience, so your instincts feel cloudy. Cloudy about men, maybe. But the part of you that noticed the pattern and drove you to post at 5am — that part is not confused. Before marrying anyone, trust that part enough to let it speak out loud, while changing course is still cheap.

Is your fiance love-bombing you? If so, he's probably not H material at this time.

You're not over-reacting.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:01 PM, Monday, August 17th]

First — you're not overreacting. You came here with a bad feeling you can't name yet, and asking for a second opinion before acting is exactly the right instinct.

Here's a framework that helped me sort similar gray-area worry:

Separate the question "is he cheating?" from "are these behaviors okay with me?" You don't need proof of an affair to have standing on the second one. Commenting on other women's attractiveness in front of you, to the point it has made you uncomfortable on more than one occasion — that's a boundary conversation you're entitled to have regardless of what Telegram is for. A partner can be doing nothing "wrong" technically and still be doing things that erode you.

About the Telegram tab-closing: one incident means nothing. A pattern — closing it every time you approach, over weeks — is information. But the way to get that information isn't surveillance, it's a direct conversation: "I've noticed X, and I felt Y. Help me understand." Then watch the response more than the explanation. Someone who cares about your peace will engage with it even if it's awkward. Someone who twists it into "you're too sensitive" is showing you something the tab-closing never could.

One more thing: you said you have little relationship experience, like that disqualifies your gut. It doesn't. People with less experience often read situations with less noise. Your discomfort has been persistent enough to bring you here — that deserves to be taken seriously by him, and by you.

Whatever this turns out to be, you'll handle it. You already are.

Hey there,

You're here because you're gut's told you something's off. Based on his behaviors and all you've mentioned here, it certainly seems suspicious, but without proof it'll be difficult to make any firm decisions here.

The big red flag for me is the comments and the frequency of such events. You're engaged to this person, but their behavior makes you feel uncomfortable and unsure.

As difficult as it may be, it's time to have a conversation with them about their behavior.

Best of luck, you got this and we're all here for you.

I don't see infidelity. Please close this Topic

I see warning signs.

He has extremely loose boundaries.

Trust your gut, it is usually right.

IMO, not sure if he is husband material, complimenting all those women is so disrespectful to you on top of closing the Telegram app. Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing.

If a friend of yours was relating this situation to you, what would you advise her?

I want to add my three cents in addition to the wise and experienced people here at SI who have posted.

If he was doing this behavior openly, and he was transparent with you, there might not be an issue. However he’s doing it in secret and from what you have seen, it’s fairly frequently.

He knows it’s wrong because he’s hiding it from you. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Please don’t think because you marry him this behavior will stop. If he’s doing it now and hiding it, chances are he will continue to do it after you are married.

I thought I confronted my H and set expectations after his first emotional affair. Didn’t stop him - until I kicked him to the curb so to speak after his second affair. He thought he could talk his way out of his last affair. He very quickly learned I’m no longer a doormat.

Always watch the actions — they tell you everything.

Simple test. Works every time. Very casually one day (out of the blue) ask your fiancé to borrow his phone. Pretend yours is dead or dying.

If he doesn’t hand it over immediately - that is a tell. There is something (or many things) on his phone he doesn’t want you to see. Apps or texts or videos - something he knows is wrong and disrespectful and cheating (maybe even criminal).

Don’t ignore the warning signs.

If you were my daughter or sister and came to me with this issue then this is what I would try to get across to you:

Marriage is so much more than romance and the rose-tinted vision that we tend to see it in. We think all these phrases in the vows and in the ceremony like "for life" and "as one" and "forsake all others" and all that are just words, nice thoughts… when in fact they are commitments that have serious legal and social consequences.

I love my wife to bits. I really do. We have our romantic moments, we still hold hands, there is extreme love in who brings the first cup of coffee to the other in the morning, we talk every day. She is my very best friend. For life. But we have been together for 40 years… the euphoria of the wedding day and the blue-eyed expectations of yore are long gone, replaced by the reality of what a marriage really is.

She’s the woman I ask the difficult questions. She’s the one that asks me difficult questions. We question each other over financial transactions, we discuss and agree on career moves and decisions, we neither make any major purchase unless in agreement, we have talked death, funerals, inheritance… We were in agreement early on regarding children, where to live, religion… We talked monogamy right at the start, we discussed sexual preferences and what we are into, and we respect the borders established. She’s the one that got to look up my ass to see if I had hemorrhoids or simply a burst pimple. I’m the one that held her head when being sick. We know each other’s end-of-life preference if medically incapacitated… Heck… only a couple of days she questioned my thirst – worrying about diabetes symptoms. I had the sense to not question her cooking, having dutifully eaten all of the too-salty and too-spiced chicken wing experiment she made…

We also know that our privacy is limited… It’s there – but limited to things that don’t harm the marriage. Like she can talk to her friends and I can plan my fishing trips and all that – we are not 100% into each others issues. But we both know where the boundaries are.

I also know that legally (and this varies state-by-state, country-by-country…) that she owns half of everything I own. House, cars, pension, savings… That if she goes and leases a vehicle or takes a loan or runs a multi thousand-dollar debt at a casino that I am legally just as liable as she is. That the collections won’t stop at half the dining-room table and only 4 of 8 matching chairs. That just like I could get her into serious trouble without her knowing of it, so can she to me. All the more reason that there is trust based on experience and communications – as well as verifiable trust (I do our taxes, and that tends to lay everything out at least annually).

Basically – what I’m saying – is that once you prance up to that alter in your dress that you spent hours pondering over, with the bridesmaids and grooms that took weeks to decide on, say your vows that took days to write, have that dinner and party that took weeks to decide on, go on the honeymoon that you have dreamt of for years… You better KNOW whom you are marrying and what you BOTH expect out of a marriage. Maybe spend some hours learning to know who he really is rather what picture he has presented to you. What are his values, what is his worth, what are his goals, how to HE see marriage.

Seriously seriously seriousl consider getting some premarital counselling. Two to three sessions might be enough, if for no other goal than to see if you are waling in step, and if you two are truly compatible.

Love all these suggestions. There is a lot experience that should help you work through this.

Be sure to pay attention to every time you get knots in your stomach. Our bodies pay attention to things we try to override. 1st wife suggested watching his actions, even the ones you might dismiss. Human being communicate non verbally anywhere from 75 to 90%. A shrug of a shoulder can be a statement. Tone of voice, facial expressions, hand movements etc are communicating. Don’t let him dismiss your concerns. We are who we are through genes, family of origin and peer groups.

What is his history? Look at it. In fact everyone contemplating.marriage should spend a lot of time watching actions and reactions in their fiancé’s family because that is what they grew up with and absorbed most of it.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 3:07 PM, Wednesday, August 19th]

He also has a highly disproportionate amount of female friends online. His best friends are female, and his follower count in other platforms is heavily dominated by female followers. While he compliments me all of the time as well, he also comments on other women’s (online, not in real life) attractiveness and sex appeal quite a bit (again, I wouldn’t say that crosses the line into "cheating" but it has made me uncomfortable on a few occasions, depending on the comments he’s made).

I've been in relationships with men like this and, unfortunately, made the terrible mistake of marrying one. If I knew at 23 years old what I know now, I would run for the hills from a guy like this.

What all of this tells me--from the cadre of female friends and followers, to his online interactions with women--is that your fiance has no boundaries with the opposite sex, and attention from women is his primary source of attention and validation. I'm willing to bet that he's been unfaithful in previous relationships.

Affairs don't start with people slipping on a banana and having sex with someone... they start with seemingly harmless and innocuous interactions (like complaining about something your wife/girlfriend did, being an emotional outlet to is female friends when they're having trouble, comments like "damn girl that dress is HOT!") that, over time, escalate emotionally and then physically.

If you're uncomfortable with how your fiance interacts with women and with the fact that he has close relationships mostly with women, that's OK. You shouldn't feel like you have to be the "cool chick" who lets him do what he wants, or feel like you're being controlling because you're uncomfortable with flirtatious behavior.

In fact, as his intended bride, you deserve to feel like your relationship with him is special. You should feel like you're the only one who gets compliments from him about sex appeal and attractiveness. You should feel that you hold a special, intimate place in his heart and be his only female "best friend."

While relationships often involve compromise, never compromise the following: your dignity, your values, and your peace of mind.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:54 PM, Wednesday, August 19th]