I'm not really sure where to start with this one.
I guess maybe some context...My daughter and I have established a tradition of going on a hiking/camping/road trip adventure every summer; we started when she was just 2 (and much easier to carry on my back.) We had such a nice time that first trip that my H suggested we do it every year. So we are doing that.
I remember pretty shortly after DDay wondering if it would ever be acceptable to go on another trip alone with our daughter. The advice I received was to focus on recovery at the moment and worry about things like that later... Well, three-quarters of a year passed, spring rolled around, and I got the green light from my H to go again. (And I don't know if he just thought it would be fine and maybe it really isn't, or if he just didn't want to tell me not to go, or if he didn't want to deprive our daughter of the experiences, or if it was a secret test that I failed, or what. But he did say I could go.)
The problem is, these trips take a ton of research and planning to execute smoothly and make them enjoyable and safe, especially with a child in tow. This summer really snuck up on me and I was super busy with what seemed like 100 other things-- chicken illnesses, hosting our daughter's birthday party, additional training for my job that also required traveling and arranging childcare... And so I never got around to planning the trip. My previously-estranged paternal grandmother, who lives on the opposite side of the country from us, was pressuring me to come and visit, and I told her we would at the end of June. I was already scrambling to prepare for the birthday party at the beginning of the month, and then the dates for the next time I have to travel for my job got moved around, and all of the sudden my window for this trip was rapidly closing. And of course, H was anxious because I hadn't pinned down a plan yet.
So on the 15th, I did a full day of my usual responsibilities, and then after I put my daughter to bed (I'm just going to call her T), I sat down on my computer and planned the whole trip in one fell swoop. It took me literally all night; I just simply did not go to bed. The 16th was spent on childcare, preparing the chicken run for easy care, doing like a month's worth of laundry at the laundromat (because our dryer was broken and H was trying to fix it, but it turns out it's not really fixable), and packing. I intended to clean the house as well, since it was trashed (as it becomes if I focus on other things instead of cleaning for more than a day), but I was just out of energy by that point. The morning of the 17th, I woke up early to finalize the packing and managed to do some picking up between dealing with T, at least, and then it was time to leave for our flight across the country.
I remember my H being kind of sulky that morning, and I asked him if he was okay and what was up, expecting him to be upset for infidelity-related reasons. He told me that it seems like I had somehow "made things worse." I prompted him to elaborate and he was like, "Well, before I at least had dry dirty clothes I could put on. Now I just have a basket full of damp clothes that I can't wear and a dirty house." (I was using like 7 washers at once at the laundromat and I forgot about the one with a load of his clothing in it, and then I ran out of time to get it all the way dry, because I had to leave to take T to her jiujitsu lesson. But I did get some of his laundry done. He had clothing to wear. And the house was objectively cleaner than it was two days prior, even if it was still pretty bad.) I just stood there with my mouth half open because I couldn't believe he just said that, after what I just went through trying to make things better for him. In my head I was saying all kinds of curse words, but I just neutrally pointed out to him that he did, in fact, have clean clothing to wear. I apologized for not getting to that one load and to the rest of the cleaning before I had to leave.
So, we went away, and he's half-assing the chicken care again and claiming he's "doing his best." And I'm sort of thinking to myself that if I come home to any of my birds dead because he wanted to punish me or have himself a little protest or whatever, I think that'd be the end of our romantic relationship, because my chickens are like the greatest joy I have in my life right now (Sorry T) and it feels an awful lot like he's trying to sabotage the things that are just mine which bring me joy... But I didn't say that to him; I just stressed the importance of the tasks and asked him to please ensure they were done, because the birds and I are depending on him. I thanked him when he said he did them (though I have a hard time believing him after what happened the last couple times and I expect they'll be in pretty bad shape when I get back.)
Cell service out here is spotty, so when I could, I texted him that I love and miss him a couple times. I didn't realize til we got to a major city where coverage is good that he hadn't responded. I asked him if he was mad at me. He said he was struggling with the house being the way it was, and that he "didn't know how to talk to me about it" (idk what was wrong with the last several times he talked to me about it where we heard each other's feelings and brainstormed solutions, but I guess he conveniently forgot about those positive interactions 
) I told him I'd clean really well upon my return, but he said he planned to be done cleaning everything by the time I got back. And I think that I should be grateful that he's cleaning, but all I can think about is the house getting messy again while I'm dealing with the million other things on my plate and him throwing a fit about it. And it's like, he acts so put-upon when he does any sort of housework, but I never ask him to do anything around the house. Like he could just leave it and I'll get to it eventually, or he could clean and not be mad about it. We talked about it several times. But he's not picking either of those options...
So in response I just gave him tips for how I usually accomplish the cleaning and how I make it more tolerable. He did not reply.
You guys told me he may just be acting out because of his feelings surrounding my infidelity, and I'm taking that into consideration. But he also still won't talk about it, and whenever I bring it up, his mood darkens. It darkens when I don't bring it up too, and doesn't get any better when I try to figure out what's wrong. How tf am I supposed to be supportive ?
I'm at the point where like, everything I do seems to be wrong. I told my therapist (that H was very insistent I see) I'm juggling so many balls and I feel like I'm dropping all of them. She told me to focus on one at a time. So I've been doing that, and the result is a house that alternates between very messy (from the days I'm focused on other balls), and very clean. But H doesn't remember the days where it's clean.
I'm also told that I need to value myself for who I am, not what I do for other people, and that means having things in my life that are for me, to create and feel joy and find meaning outside of servitude as a wife and a mother. But I feel like H doesn't want me to have or spend time on any of those things. He also wants me to spend all weekend with him, except for when he has to catch up on work, and then I'm on child care duty alone, whether I need to catch up on my stuff or not. But apparently his stuff "always" gets put on the back burner and he "never" gets to tend to lingering tasks.
I'm trying to get a business degree so I can make some income and relieve some of his financial stress when T gets older and goes off to school full time, which H said he supports, but when it comes time for me to sit down and focus on my schoolwork, suddenly it's a problem because I'm not focused on housework and family time.
Nothing is right. Nothing is ever just "good enough," not even when I'm doing my best. Which sounds awfully fucking familiar, doesn't it? I don't think the "not good enough" messages are just coming from my inner critic, either. And I'm thinking, maybe I just need to stop giving a fuck what he thinks or does for a while, and continue working on my self-development, and he can just deal with it. Maybe I pull a 180 and if he wants to actually talk about his feelings like a big boy, we can do that. (I know I'm sounding really mean and callous here, but please notice, I'm not saying these things to him. My responses have been pretty measured, especially compared to what I'm thinking.)
