SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All,

I have just finished an IC session and I felt like writing here.

I want to stress it's still early days for me, but this week I start noticing a shift in my perspective. And I think it's a positive one (feel free to call me out if not)

When things blew up, I reacted like many waywards. Blame-shifting, trickle-truth, minimizing, resentment, anger. I didn't even feel I had an A. Just something "dodgy" and inappropriate, but definitely not an A (because I wasn't in love with AP and "only" kissed him and made out).

I then took responsibility for the A, but I still felt I wasn't exactly responsible for all of it. Still lot of anger.

Somehow I was stuck in this perspective: "I was in pain and alone before the A, I was in pain during the A, now I am in pain again and my BS' feelings have priority again. When is my pain going to be addressed?". I genuinely felt my H should give me a free pass, acknowledge that I could have done much worse and start giving me all the affection I felt I missed.

At some point in January, I found this forum - despite my 2 months "efforts" to fix things, the situation kept getting worse, so I turned online. This forum was the turning point. I finally realised what I had actually done. I finally realised the gravity of my actions. I started absorbing what I was reading on here. Started reading books.

My mindset didn't shift straight-away. I still struggled with trickle truth, but I got the resentment under control. I started to take accountability.

In April, I started IC.

Last month, I could fully see how Marriage problems and Infidelity are two different things. It wasn't easy to get it though.

I had been saying that for a while (because I read it on here and I believed it), but didn't fully feel it straight away. After a while, I could "grasp" the concept but couldn't fully separate the things yet. In May, I finally saw it.

Today is 2 months of IC. Still nothing really. But this week, I realised how my "reasons" for the A were... stupid. There were stressors, and a lot of them. And I think the planets really did align against me (so many different negative things at the same time). But now, I think: why did I have to have an A? I genuinely don't see those stressors as a justification anymore. And what I triggered with the A is so so so so much worse than what was going on in our lives pre-A.

Was I unhappy pre-A? Yes. I think I had emotional exhaustion, if not some depression.

Was my H perfect? No.

Was I perfect? No.

From my core, I don't blame my H anymore. I should never have.

IC is helping me also to understand why I occasionally over-reacted towards some of his actions. Nothing to do with him really.

This forum is still my main compass though. I am still surprised of the "ignorance" around infidelity. Many of my mistakes in my first two months post DDay1 were simply me behaving by what I knew of infidelity from films and environment. If I landed on this forum earlier, I'd have done a little better a little earlier.

My therapist is great for IC. For infidelity and how to deal with it? Not so much. My situation would definitely be worse if I didn't know this forum.

This is not to say I am R material or that my BS is happy with me right now. It's just I finally fully feel and understand some things that I read here 3-4 months ago.

Reading this forum in January was incredibly painful. Like horrific. No way I'd landed my family in "infidelity". Yet, I am glad I stayed.

I occasionally wonder if some waywards would do better if they also found this community or a similar one.

As for me... I will probably be posting again in a few weeks (likely in a more desperate mindset). Even if this post may sound "positive", the reality is still very hard. I still don't know if my M will make it. I know my healing and fixing myself are separate from R and whatever outcome is ahead of us. I just wanted to clarify this is not a (self)celebratory post, just some scattered thoughts.

Thanks for reading

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 7:39 PM, Thursday, June 18th]

I'm very impressed with your candor. It's not easy to walk towards the mirror and look inward at reprehensible actions you are responsible for. Much courage and strength on your part, which will eventually make you safe once again, whether for your husband or someone else. Thank you for opening yourself up. Many others who are or were in your shoes lurk in the shadows and will read this and be better off for it.

[This message edited by Jorge at 6:52 PM, Thursday, June 18th]

Are you saying that IC didn't help you find these new realizations? The behavioral changes that come from IC tend to sneak up on a person. I'd call reframing one's thinking from less true to more true is a behavioral change, because that means one's brain has changed its behavior..

My W started behaving remorsefully on d-day. She says, however, that it took her 5 months to begin to see that her A, which she saw as saving a life (because ow kept threatening suicide) was just another sordid affair.

My W didn't blameshift, trickle truth, or minimize, and she started answering questions immediately after revealing her A. Believe me, I asked questions. You didn't turn around on d-day, but not many WSes do.

Your post says to me you're becoming honest. My W's experience says to me that at least some people take time to understand their dysfunction enough to fix it.

Recovery takes time. I think it takes more time than anyone wants it to take. IMO, you are changing from cheater to good partner. The thing is: once you've made the change, you'll need to keep working on continuing life as a person of integrity.

It's often said on SI that recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. Right now I realize that both BSes and WSes need to change their lives - and life is a marathon, not a sprint.... I'm grateful for that.

The only thing that is disappointing to me is that for whatever reason I was convinced you were a guy and your BS a betrayed wife.

Look I followed your posts in the past an I always noticed your introspection, intelligence and sensibility, so again I had a pretty good picture about pinning you down….. except maybe calling you "brother " and giving you suggestions how to reconnect to your "wife". I sure got that part wrong!

Ok then, SISTER

My previous impressions of your depth and insightfulness have not changed. Once again I can see you have an enviable skill to observe yourself that is uncommon so early on among WS.

I had the impression of feeling pain and bitterness through your posts in the past, although you write so calmly and orderly that could be felt.

You have good insight and are capable to see your missteps with clarity, you don’t have denial and resistance to look at things with a different angle.

You seem to have a strong and gentle personality, and the only thing that I note that could be self sabotaging you, I have the impression you are kind of an inflexible judge when you are judging yourself.

This means that you can both see what was bad about your past actions, recognize it and judge it properly as something you shouldn’t have done or did not want to do. This is fair, good and positive. You have the inside instinct of good and evil.

Where the self sabotage comes in, in my hunch and perception, I have the feeling that you have some sort of inside criticism that once you judged you chooses poorly, charges you with a level of guilt that seems like it can’t be shaken off even if you are actually improving.

Is like you found yourself guilty once and no matter how your redemption arc goes, you feel charged with a life sentence that can’t be ever lifted.

While the infidelity is bad, no questions about, it was an awful choice, it was a choice that the person who was you then made, and it doesn’t feel like a choice that the person you are today or the person you are becoming, would do ever again.

This is my intuition and it might be off of course.
But if it is resonating please consider that that could be self sabotaging your healing and binding your full self, today’s and the future woman, to the past self, frozen in time in the moment that past woman chose to kiss and make up with another man.

You see that as horrible because you realigned with your emotional values, and we agree it was, that woman back then couldn’t see it and judge how bad that choice was and the choices that led there were.

But the key is you see now. Your shame risk to imprison you, allowing your past behavior to define you today.

We are not defined by our behaviors, our behavior are a result defined by who we are in a moment in life.

Do you feel like the same person who will make that choice again with your new understanding?
If not then you should focus on that then. The woman you are now. Smarter. More mature. More honest.

The shame you carry is a memento for something wrong that you did and don’t want to do again. Not the chain that binds you forever, a harsh lesson learned is more worthy than whatever punishment you may inflict upon a mistake.

Good luck "brother"