SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone. I’m struggling badly tonight and could really use perspective from people who understand reconciliation after infidelity.
For perspective, I am the partner who betrayed. D day was Feb 20th.

Part of our reconciliation process involved reconnecting emotionally and trying to rebuild our family. At one point, my husband told me he wanted another baby with me. Looking back now, maybe that wasn’t the healthiest decision while we were still so fragile, but at the time it felt like hope. It felt like maybe we were truly choosing each other again.

We didn’t exactly "try," but we stopped preventing it with the mindset of "if it happens, it happens." It happened very quickly.

When I found out I was pregnant, he was initially genuinely happy. We talked about how to make room for a third child, future plans, logistics, names, finances.. all of it. For a little while, things honestly felt okay again. Not perfect, but hopeful.

Then a trigger happened that brought all the betrayal pain rushing back for him. Ever since then, it feels like everything completely shifted overnight. The anger, resentment, and hurt came back full force, and now he’s saying he can’t do this anymore. He’s talking about leaving me while I’m pregnant with our third child and raising two small children already. And the hardest part is that I think he means it.

I know I caused the original damage. I know my betrayal changed him and changed our marriage. I’m not trying to avoid accountability for that. But emotionally, I feel like I’m drowning trying to process how we went from planning for this baby together to me suddenly feeling abandoned and terrified.

I think part of what hurts so much is that this pregnancy became tied in my mind to reconciliation and rebuilding our family together. Now I don’t even know what’s real anymore.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has experienced reconciliation seeming hopeful and then collapsing after a trigger months later. Did things stabilize again? Or was that the point where everything finally broke?

Side note: Ive been going to therapy, went no contact with affair partner, working on myself while still trying to be a present mom. I feel genuine remorse and regret for all of it. I wish I could take it back. My husband doesnt see the effort sometimes and thinks I'll never change. He screams in my face, name calls, does this in front of the kids. And now is leaving me pregnant. At what point do I stop taking the punishment?

**forgot to add it was an emotional affair** I never met affair partner in person.

Hi and welcome. I would gently suggest posting over on the wayward side but since you are here.

The R timeline typically takes 3-5 years? I don't remember exactly. But, definitely YEARS. You are soooo very early in the healing process. So so early.

Sometimes this is absolutely a deal breaker, do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Sometimes it's a fucking roller-coaster of many ups and downs, twists and turns. Not the fun kind of roller-coaster, but like the one where you could easily fall off the ride, choke on your vomit, and you’re just white-knuckling the safety bar, praying you survive the next drop.

Triggering is tough. There is panic, anxiety, and your brain makes you feel like the danger could reach out and swallow you whole right where you stand. Its enough to make our BSs say fuck this. The whole thing is terrifying.

There are a few fundamental things we can be doing to help them regain some safety and balance back into their life.

He needs to see that your words and actions match up flawlessly, day in and day out. Uncertainty is his enemy right now, so absolute predictability,transparency, integrity, so forth. There is a book we typically recommend, How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair. Buy it tonight. Start there.

At what point do I stop taking the punishment?

He absolutely shouldn't behave like this in front of your littles. Reactive abuse is a beast they didn't ask for but must get under control. You get to draw the non-negotiable line between allowing a betrayed partner to express their immense grief, rage, terror and enduring emotional abuse. You get to say when enough is enough.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 2:33 AM, Thursday, May 28th]

Is your H in counseling?

As a betrayed - I can honestly say it saved my sanity and helped us R.

Sorry I'm still navigating how to use the forums, I appreciate all the input and appreciate the replies

H and I did about 5 sessions of counseling. He decided we didnt "need it" cause we decided to work on things. Although now hes saying its over. And he's always been pretty against therapy. He doesn't think it helps and isnt worth the money. And I dont dare bring it up or encourage it cause he'll argue he doesnt need it.

So you don’t need marriage counseling (MC) because the marriage didn’t cheat. You each need IC to figure out how to move forward. As the WS, you need to fix whatever allowed you to betray your spouse. He needs IC to help him navigate the betrayal, learn how to manage his wild roller coaster of emotions (which are TOTALLY normal), and determine what he wants/needs.

All BS will have wild emotions, and a rage stage can hit at 3-6 months, so not surprising. And he has to be allowed to air his pain. HOWEVER he cannot do it in an abusive way and certainly not in front of the kids. You need to draw that line b/c right now he can’t.

You are going through the shame and regret and possibly remorse of cheating with the hormonal fluctuations of pregnancy. This is a challenge. He is going through the roller coaster of emotions of being betrayed and then realizing that whether he wants to or not, he’s connected to you in some form for at least 18 more years. It’s a lot.

You need to focus on your pregnancy and do what it takes to protect that and your other kids. And if you want your M, you need to be the steady rock that supports him while he goes through this and while you work on your "whys".

It takes YEARS to recover from this. Some of the folks here who have successfully R’d said it took 2-3 years to start to feel some semblance of normal and even more to get to "good". But it can be done if BOTH people are 100% committed for the very long haul.. You are in the very early days still. Things are still very raw.

Start by reading in the Wayward Forum - so much good advice there. You can post there as well, and can put a stop sign up if you only want hear from fellow WS.