SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,

Fairly new here, dday was under 6 months ago, with the trickle truths still coming more or less. Married for nearly 15 years, found out about affairs that started 8 years ago after the birth of my youngest and have been ongoing until dday. These affairs were all digital (allegedly), short term and consisted of 3 dozen women, all married, all via cheating groups, or forums. I am still completely blindsided but what's worse is finding out that the WH I thought wasn't capable of being thoughtful or putting effort apparently had no issues doing this with literally everyone else. This man let me take care of his parent/grandparents running myself ragged while still parenting our children as a full time working professional in a stressful leadership position and managing my declining mental health as a result but he couldn't be bothered to help because he was too busy chasing anyone who would give him attention? We are both in IC and MC but as I look at our relationship I would think someone was delusional if they told me this about their spouse and still felt that this could get better or be salvageable. He's technically doing the right things,and taking accountability but it's still very self centered driven in guilt. I honestly don't know what I am hoping for but reading so many other experiences about these one off affairs I just feel so lonely (not that either is better) I have no idea how to navigate any of this. Thanks for listening

Beachkoala,

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. You have found the best community possible to help you through this.

I’m glad to hear you’re both in IC, as that will help with your mental health. Be sure to take care of your physical health as well, by making sure you eat and stay hydrated. If you can’t sleep, your doctor can prescribe you something.

You and your WH should also get tested for STDs. It’s almost ubiquitous that waywards lie and minimize and given the scope of his infidelity, it seems highly likely that he’s still lying. To get to the truth people often have to resort to written timelines that are backed up by a polygraph test.

You should also consult an attorney so that you can get a picture of the future if you do decide to split up. You can get some dos and don’ts for what to do in the meantime while you decide.

You’re not alone here , and definitely not the only one who’s found their spouses to be serial cheaters.

Under Forums look for I Can Relate. Several places you might find others in a mess too.

Also agree you need to take care of your health. Dr can give you temp meds for anxiety. If you are having trouble eating use a drink like Ensure. The more protein the better.
Stay off booze and any drug except under care of a dr.
Get enough sleep.
Walk or bike to get some of your nervous energy out.
Most important use family and friends and us for support.

Hi koala,

Welcome to the club nobody wants in.

You will heal and grow stronger.

Now, I will just point you a red flag 🚩 and wait for you to process and allow yourself to share your emotions, because that’s the most important part at this stage.

He is not doing the right thing and feeling guilty from what you told.
That is shame, guilt is a very different story. Shame is selfish, there’s no space or healing for you in that.

He is trying to get out of this with a wrist slap from mommy right now. Not feeling horrible for the pain he inflicted by destroying your identity and attachment at the core level of your inner self.

You don’t know how to navigate this, also normal do not worry. You will find the way.

Right now what you need most is to be heard and let all the emotional chaos out where it can be received and understood.
Here is a good place for just that.

I hear you sister.
Is not fine, but it will be.

trickle truths still coming more or less.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

My opinion is that often times it is NOT the affair that kills the marriage but the behavior of the cheater after the affair that kills the marriage. And slowly providing the truth is like a long slow death to any trust or love remaining in the marriage.

I don’t know why cheaters do this. I often think it could be rooted in fear. I wonder if they believe "if my spouse knows this she will D me" as it seems there is a certain mentality that leads to the decision to try to "hide the truth".

It has been suggested that a very frank conversation is needed. Telling the cheating spouse that you are open and willing to hear all the bad news now and move forward. But if you find things out days or weeks or months later, it will have a detrimental effect on the marriage.

I don’t know if it works — as the cheater has to be open to the conversation. But it’s an attempt to stop the hits from continuing IMO.

Please continue to post here as you will get great advice and support.

Hi Beachkoala,

I think you might find the experience of Sigyn helpful and informative. Her situation was not identical to yours, but there are a lot of similarities. Here is the link

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=658109&HL=80576

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Sending strength.

Beachkoala,

I had another thought about this. I don’t know much about these cheating forums, but I did glance at the one on Reddit (it’s a horror show). One of the things those people talk about a lot is operational security (OPSEC) - meaning, they share with each other tips and tricks on how to avoid getting caught. Which means that after 8 years your WH is probably a leading expert on the topic.

If you want to R or just get the truth, you might want to log into his account(s) and see what he was posting. That could give you insight into what he was really doing. I don’t doubt he’s deleted those accounts, but maybe they can be restored, I don’t know.

The other thing is he likely has a large stash of ‘material’ (all the pics and videos he got). It will be hard to ever be really sure that everything’s been deleted in a way that he can never access again. He could have a hidden thumb drive, or email account, or be able to restore an account or whatever. Maybe that’s something you could have tested by the poly.

If you do go look at those forums, be forewarned. The people posting on them are…operating in a different moral universe. People can reconcile over just about anything, but membership to those forums is, to me at least, as close to an automatic D as there is. Those forums are really, really gross.

You should read Sigyn’s thread. Her xWH was a monster, but it looks like she rode through it with quite a lot of class.

Thank you all for the support and help.

@letmebefrank

You and your WH should also get tested for STDs.

After going myself my WH finally went and got his done this week. It just amazes me that I ask and ask and it's not till I do it that he finally goes. :(

You should also consult an attorney so that you can get a picture of the future if you do decide to split up.

I don't know why this gives me so much anxiety but I know it's important. I guess it just makes it that much more real.

The other thing is he likely has a large stash of ‘material’ (all the pics and videos he got). It will be hard to ever be really sure that everything’s been deleted in a way that he can never access again. He could have a hidden thumb drive, or email account, or be able to restore an account or whatever.

Ugh yes, he had a burner email that he deleted with all of his 'souvenirs' I never got to see it, along with all the accounts he was using for OPSEC.... However I was able to find his deleted posts because you know it's the Internet, it sucks...he did install a tracking app on all the devices but the bar is sooo low. It's honestly all so egregious I can't even imagine what more I could know that would make any difference at this point. The forums are incredibly disgusting and I unfortunately went down the rabbit hole after first finding out. I still cannot even fathom how you do this to anyone.

Thank you @cooley2here, I am well medicated (under care) but the hydration, and eating part has been the most challenging and surprising. Definitely trying to get outside with the weather warming up. I was really hoping I would be over the hump by now.

@backfromthestorm

Now, I will just point you a red flag 🚩 and wait for you to process and allow yourself to share your emotions, because that’s the most important part at this stage

I know, every time I try to express how it feels it's like he's hearing it for the first time. He doesn't get it, he just tries to say the right thing. I find myself more and more detached by the day. It makes me so sad because I truly never thought he would be capable of this. It's the last thing I expected.

@the1stwife

It has been suggested that a very frank conversation is needed. Telling the cheating spouse that you are open and willing to hear all the bad news now and move forward. But if you find things out days or weeks or months later, it will have a detrimental effect on the marriage.

I cannot tell you how many times I have begged him and warned him about how much damage it does but he literally cannot help himself. He lies compulsively. I wanted to badly to believe him but I can't, he gas lit me, lied to my face and continued to do so when I expressed the cruelty of it. But each time he's hearing it for the first time.

@icytoes

I think you might find the experience of Sigyn helpful and informative. Her situation was not identical to yours, but there are a lot of similarities. Here is the link

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=658109&HL=80576

This is tremendously helpful and I really resonated with a lot of her feelings and experiences. Thank you so much for sharing and the support.

Thank you all again for welcoming me in and supporting me. I am so sorry we are all in this club

[This message edited by Beachkoala at 10:39 PM, Thursday, April 16th]

...every time I try to express how it feels it's like he's hearing it for the first time. He doesn't get it, he just tries to say the right thing. I find myself more and more detached by the day. It makes me so sad...

Some WS "get it" quicker than others. Some never do, for all sorts of reasons. Some don't care to even try.

IIRC, I had to explain how it feels, what it's like, how hard it hits, to my exww more than once.

I think for both spouses attempting reconciliation it's critically important to understand something about understanding each other's experiences. There's a limit. We can comprehend what's being shared. Unless we've been there and done that, however, we can never truly "get it."

It's the commitment that's important here.

He doesn't "get it" so he tries to say the right things. That probably seems performative, which it is, because he fears the truth will be worse.

Read what The1stWife wrote to you, again.

Now the hard part.

Keep detaching. Step back from your WH and observe what he's choosing to do with the opportunity you've given to him. For get about your marriage for a while, forget about reconciliation, his infidelities, and watch him.

Are the actions he's taking, the thing he's doing, now, today, indicative of someone who is willing and able to own and fix his shit?

Read up on the hard 180. Sadly I had to do this but it was the only way to survive.

I think you have tried everything possible to stop the continued lies and trickling of truth from him. Clearly it had it worked and the cheater continues to make the same poor choices.

So now you have to start protecting yourself and getting out of infidelity.

Here are a few things I did (I really had no other choice at this point b/c the cheating or affair didn’t stop).

I stopped talking to him unless the kids were around. In front of them I acted like everything was fine.

I stopped doing anything for him. No laundry. No errands. No meals. Stopped buying foods only he liked. No rides to the airport or train station. He was on his own.

I made my own social life. He was not welcome or included.

I got all my financial documents together and hid them (not at my home). I had tax returns, copy of deed, statements, bank account info, EVERYTHING!!! Just in case I needed access to them.

This approach is not to stop the cheating. It is to lessen the impact his behavior has on you. It was a game changer for me b/c it stripped my H if any say or power about the future regarding me & kids.

He quickly learned he was no longer in the game. I hated having to do it but as I said, he left me with no other choice.

I think honesty is the single most crucial prerequisite for Reconciliation.

I recommend thinking of R as 3 healings:

1) You heal you. Most BSes are inundated with immense amounts of grief, anger, fear, and/or shame on d-day. The largest part of your work is to process those feelings out of your body. A good IC can help you do this.

2) Your WS heals themself. They need to change from cheater to good partner. I think that requires IC for the WS, but others disagree.

3) Together you build a new M.

This means you can recover from being betrayed without your WS; that is, you can survive this crisis and thrive even if your WS isn't remorseful enough to do the work they need to do, but you need your WS to R(econcile). You can heal yourself because you control yourself. You don't control your WS. I recommend making 'survive and thrive' your primary goal and R your stretch goal.

Have you read the Healing Library here? If not, there's a lot of good stuff there. Click the link in the yellow box in the upper left of the SI pages.

I think there are a number of key ingredients to the decision to R.

First, what do you want? Do you really want R? If not, don't lie to yourself. R is hard work, and wanting it makes it less difficult, but both D and R can be good moral responses to being betrayed.

If you want R, I recommend figuring out your requirements for R and seeing if your WS will sign on. If they won't, perhaps they can come up with something else that will meet your requirements, but if you can't negotiate something truly acceptable to both of you, great - you can go directly to D. Otherwise, you can monitor them for 3-6 months and commit to R for yourself if they are (is?) consistent in meeting your requirements.

The requirements need to be observable and measurable. That way it's easy to monitor progress and make adjustments as you go along.

Common requirements include:

NC - no contact with ap; if ap initiates contact, report to BS and together decide how to respond

Transparency - BS has passwords to e-mail, voice-mail, phones, etc.; WS keeps BS informed of whereabouts, activities, and companions at virtually all times

Honesty - WS answers BS's questions when they're asked, although sometimes a break is necessary, sometimes an answer is best deferred to MC session, etc., no more lies.

IC for WS - to change the thoughts and feelings that supported the A, with signed release that enables C to talk with BS about WS's goals and progress (so the BS can make sure WS's IC isn't being lied to).

IC for BS - for support - and for resolving any internal issue that comes up

MC - to help communications between the partners, if one or both partners want MC

Some (Most?) people have individual requirements - my W had to arrange dates for us on a weekly basis and must initiate sex sometimes. What do you want from your W?

And R is a joint endeavor - if one of you hides objections to the other's requirements, you sabotage R. And you have to see your WS as a human being of worth equal to your own to make R work. You don't have to see your WS as a human being equal to you to recover, but you sure can't R, except with an equal.

R is very rewarding when both partners want it an do the work. It seems to be hell on earth, though, unless both do that work. Being betrayed is bad enough - spare yourself the pain unless you want the reward and have a partner who will join you in the process.