SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been 3 months since DDay. Me and my OH were together 5 years. We have a 2 year old.

I found out that he had 2 children from his previous relationship (I didn’t know about them at all) and he cheated on me with the mother of his children - she reached out to him earlier this year.

It seemed he was living a double life of some sort.

2 weeks after DDay he invited the other woman to our home behind my back. I found out because she posted pics on socials. And so I completely broke off the relationship.

We have been trying to figure out what coparenting looks like. Each time we discuss it, he keeps telling me that he sees us getting back together. He doesn’t seem to accept that the relationship is over and this is killing me, as I feel like giving him a chance, until I remember that I cannot trust him. He was also speaking to other women - I found messages on his phone.

He told me before Christmas that his ex and their kids have been invited to his parents for Christmas. So they spent Christmas together which again is confirmation that he really doesn’t respect me. Yet, when I dropped our son over to him a few days ago, he said he wants us to start again in 2026, he will work on himself, and he thinks we can be good friends. But wants us to work towards making things works.

His messaging is confusing me. I think he just doesn’t want to let me go or accept that we are over, but we are.

I guess I’m looking for tips on coparenting when the interactions can feel so intense and when deep down I still need time apart from him. Do I just go through the courts? Even though we can be amicable but I feel like I relive DDay again when I find out he is just as friendly with his ex.

So sorry you are here. It does seem overwhelming and confusing that he has two families going on at the same time. Do you have access to his cloud account to see his messages to this other wife? Maybe that can provide some clarity on where he wants to go and what their interactions are like so you can make a better decision on your part. What was the custody responsibilities for him for his other children? Financially and time wise? Your child is still very young so you are likely to get the main custody of your child and it will be hard for you to work without family/friends because it is difficult for your child to be at preschool for a full day. Is he willing to talk about payment for child custody?

First of all, get a legal agreement in place. You need to be first in line for $$ for your child. Then use an app to communicate with him, and have hand-offs be as interaction-free as possible.

You are right- he is not respecting you. He is stringing you along, like he probably did his ex. Don’t trust him. Get some time and distance between you and him and then I think you will start to see clearly that he is not the guy he pretends to be - not for you, your child, or his other kids and their mom. What kind of person is that hands-off with his kids that you don’t even know about them? That tells you all you need to know.

Get to a lawyer now.

People who play around like this are not going to be loyal to anyone. He likes having women on the hook. You have a child to look after. Assume you are going to be a single parent and make plans to put that in place.

There are lies of commission and lies of omission. He lied by omission by keeping his unknown secret life away from you. Look at this as if you took 50 dollars to Vegas and put it all in a slot machine. You might get a dollar back but the chances you would win are awful. Those are the same odds you are dealing with here. He is not dependable enough for a long term relationship.

His words don’t match his actions.

He wants to start over - not he is starting over. 🚩

He wants you to be together -yet he’s with his other family on Christmas. 🚩

He is the guy that likes the thrill of the chase. As long as he can’t "have you" as his partner or girlfriend or spouse or whatever — he’s going to work hard to make you believe he loves you and will be monogamous. The second he feels he has you in his control, he’s lost interest.

You don’t have much to work with right now. It’s unfortunate and you deserve better. He’s led a double life and I believe he would have done it for as long as he could.

I’d suggest filing for child support immediately.

Thanks all. These are probably the truths I need to hear. It’s so so hard as a part of me wants things to work so that we can be a family. But my gut is telling me to lean on my family and support system and start over.

I’ve filed for child support, so waiting on that. I’ve blocked him too so he can call me if he wants to see his son. I’ll take it a day at a time.

I think you have made some good decisions.

It would be a shame if you were to ignore your gut and end up in the same situation a few months or years from now.

The fact he has children you never knew about is a huge 🚩. It doesn’t matter what his excuse is/was - I think you know he’s just your ordinary man child and you deserve better.

OP I'm so so sorry that you're going through this and sending you lots of virtual support and love. It sounds like although lots of confusing feelings are involved here, you are a very sensible woman and you're navigating through this with a lot of common sense.

I think the cheating is only part of the problem here. I feel like the biggest issue is the fact that he lied right at the beginning of your relationship and didn't tell you that he already had children. That's a very significant piece of information to omit and this makes me wonder about his intentions. If you wanted to build a life with someone, surely you would want them to know about something as important as your kids and you would want to introduce them to your partner etc. Especially when she was pregnant with their sibling. This affects them too so he sounds utterly irresponsible and selfish. If I'm honest he also sounds like a bad dad to those kids.

I also wonder - as his family invited them all for Christmas, did they know about his other family too all this time? How did he manage to hide this from you for 5 years? Or did he hide them from everyone? You must be so confused and heartbroken.

I wonder what his ex's take is on all of this. Did she know about you or was she lied to as well? Since you're both mothers to his children I hope that maybe one day you can talk and the siblings can get to know each other although I wouldn't rush towards it right now as it would be painful and you don't need it.

I don't know what his motivations were for lying about his entire life but I don't think he's showing any remorse or offering you sufficient explanations to make sense of things so good decision to try and co-parent and just be amicable. You are strong and well done!

In terms of co-parenting, could you maybe facilitate communication through a family member or a friend for the time being? So for example if he wants to collect your child could he message your mum/dad/sibling instead of you? This should cut out any opportunities for him to confuse you emotionally or gaslight you. It just means that you would need help from a third party.

I think it's very noble of you to allow him to contact you for your child right now but having to go through so much pain in your heart whilst doing it is unfair on you. You need and deserve time to heal.

[This message edited by JustSomeWoman at 7:21 AM, Friday, January 2nd]