SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I am a new poster here and really need some advice. DD was July 2024 and my BS and I decided to try and reconcile.

The trouble is my BS feels I should satisfy him sexually no matter what and even if I don’t want to. He said if I’m on my period I should still look after him. If I’m not feeling well or simply not in the mood he says we we are done then as you did it for him so why not me.

My BS tells me he wants to feel loved but it seems the only way I can make him feel really loved, is to perform oral sex on him and in his words tell him how beautiful and fit he is.

I don’t know what to do. I’m perimenopausal and my hormones are all over the place and sometimes I just want to chill out with a heated blanket on my stomach with the pain. Whereas he will grab a shower, come and lie next to me and then go off in a mood because I’ve not leapt on him.

Any advice would be appreciated. We’ve had no counselling, just tried to get through.

I meant to add I am still getting used to the terminology. I am female, partner is a man and we are not married.

I see there is a stop sign on this post. As I am a former WH and technical mad hatter, I’m going to reply. I hope that is okay.

Point blank, this sounds like abusive behavior on your BS’s part. Nobody should be expected to have sex when they don’t want it or don’t feel well. It’s suspicious that he even wants sex if you don’t want it too. It’s supposed to be a mutually enjoyable thing that you have with a partner, not something you do for them.

It is normal for him to be hurt, insecure, and angry, to be comparing how you treat him to how you treated your AP, and to be seeking reassurance and love from you. But it’s neither normal nor okay for a BS to act in anger, and to use the infidelity as a means of coercing you into sex.

You could apologize again for causing these feelings in him, and let him know that you do love him and want him to be happy and satisfied. Follow up with that you’re not necessarily going to want sex every time that he wants it, and that if it’s too much of an issue for him to overcome, then maybe it would best to split up, even if only temporarily while he processes his emotions. It would be good to acknowledge his feelings and take responsibility for them, while maintaining your own boundaries.

And do try to give him genuine words of affirmation, as much as you can.

[This message edited by darkdustythoughts at 3:02 PM, Wednesday, December 31st]

I think dark dusty has given you some solid insight, and I agree completely.

However, I am going to add something here to help balance it a tad.

What your husband is telling you is about his wound. He feels like he has provided far more for you than the ap and the ap got the things he has longed to receive from you. Passionate, excitement, etc.

Yet he doesn’t maybe have the language to express it in a healthy way. He wants you to be excited about him to prove you want him as much or more than the ap.

So some of this is misguided, but at the same time it’s natural.

However, he is not leaving room for desire to flow because anyone who has to have sex under duress will just become more and more turned off by the idea. He is unknowingly reducing your desire. Yet he feels he has done more for you than the ap so he is unappreciated.

Even worse is if you all had a lousy sex life pre A, he maybe felt more accepting this was your sex drive level. Now that you have had an affair he believes you must have a higher sex drive just not for him.

This is not an uncommon stance I see amongst bs, especially males that have been betrayed.

My feeling is that your husband may not be able to understand people cheat for many reasons, and may have an inability to understand that it may not have been for more or better sex. It wouldn’t be a leap here to see from what you described that you likely were looking for an emotional connection and that’s not something he would value enough to cheat and so it’s hard for him to even get to a place where he can begin to understand yhe nature of your cheating.

I would definitely dig into your whys, what you were looking for in the affair, and maybe identify how you could have achieved receiving those things using healthier method other than cheating. The more you understand the more perhaps you can help adjust this relationship towards building a deeper emotional connection, and how this closeness can improve all forms of your intimacy.

But overall, I still agree with dark and dusty in everything, and you will need to figure out some boundaries. That may mean being willing to lose the relationship. Until you don’t fear an outcome he will maintain an upper hand in sort of seeing this as a reason he should have an all day everyday buffet, it’s simply easier for him to dehumanize you because he is operating from a place of deep pain that you are the source of. However, allowing him to dehumanize you will only increase his disgust over time, so you really have no choice but to have boundaries with sensitivity as to what it is he is actually seeking with this behavior. He wants you to prove you still love him and want him. I would maybe think of some things that are not sexual in behavior to supplement that need.

In the end, the end goal would be to want him enthusiastically because you have built back up a loving connected relationship. I think you have your work cut out for you.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:31 PM, Wednesday, December 31st]