SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not sure if you wonderful SI people have read many of my posts but if you have you may know I chose to stay in my marriage after infidelity for two reasons:

1. I did not want to lose any time with my son ie go 50/50 with my WH.
2. I am the bread winner, I make a lot more money than my WH. I am close to owning my house. The thought of having to give him half of everything and still pay maintenance gives me the shits.

I thought these reasons plus the fact I don’t hate my WH was enough to at least give it a good crack at R.

My question is, how many others have stayed for reasons of rational rather than love and how long was it before you either found love with your W again or finally left.

I’m not saying every day is bad, and I admit we have had some great times since his A but sometimes pretending to be a happy married couple is exhausting and lonely.

I need to explain a little back story first. When I was in high school and 17 years old, I fell in love for the first time. A few months after we started dating, she slept with one of my best friends. I didn't know what to feel or think. I was incredibly hurt, of course, but also kind of numb. I chalked it all up to us being dumbass teenagers and kept dating her for the next year. I forgave them both, knowing that we'd all go our separate ways soon enough.

I swore to myself that I would never, ever tolerate that shit again. Ever! Infidelity is a deal-breaker, pure and simple.

Decades later, when I discovered my exww's infidelity, my very first thought was just that; deal-breaker, end of fucking story. Within two months I was on the verge of a divorce.

But I couldn't do it. Our son was barely 4 years ago. Her betrayal was heartbreaking enough. Blowing up my son's world and all the added heart break that would follow was more than I could bear.

So, I came here, to SI, to find out if reconciliation was really possible and, if so, how to go about it. Two years later I felt as if we had reconciled and the future would unfold accordingly.

Five years later, I finally realized that I would never love her the way she wanted me to. Infidelity is a deal-breaker. I felt as if I was betraying myself and no matter what I did that deeply held tenet was just too strong.

Some of those years were good(ish). I was content, but not happy. I couldn't find peace with myself and that's no way to live.

Give it some time, Webbit. What's most important, I believe, is living an authentic life. That cannot be pretended.

My question is, how many others have stayed for reasons of rational rather than love and how long was it before you either found love with your W again or finally left. I’m not saying every day is bad, and I admit we have had some great times since his A but sometimes pretending to be a happy married couple is exhausting and lonely.

Me. I stayed on the advice of the first divorce lawyer I saw who said I was in a uniquely perilous situation for the law to be of any help to me, since if Divorce settlement terms didn't agree with him, he had family down your way that would be more than happy if he ditched this whole marriage and came back home. The lawyer said "We've seen this happen, and there is no extradition agreement between the two countries for such financial matters. You could end up declaring abandonment, but then how would you pay your gigantic mortgages if he skipped the country? (We had refinanced my house the year prior to D-Day 1 to get down payment money for a farm and were hock deep in both loans, at that stage.)

So IHS it was and that went on for 12 years until D-Day 2, by which time the farm had been paid off. I had a lawyer draw up a Marital Agreement dividing our real estate and bank accounts just as if we were to legally divorce. And we executed deed transfers so he got my old house and I got the farm which was free of debt by then. He sold that house six years later and netted about what he had invested in the farm property, so he isn't unhappy as I am about staying here "pretending" we still have a life together (!) and all the neighbors assume we are an old married couople. Never did make it to R, but holidays are always the most difficult. We do many things together, travel for example, but not as a real couple and I don't see that changing.

You can always give yourself a timeframe for how long you can stand to do this and then re-evaluate. But from my story you can see this situation potentially can drag on through the rest of your life. The key for me is to ask "Would I be better off alone?" At my age - mid-70's - that seems foolhardy. Wish I had a better story to share.

UNHINGED pretty much nailed what, I think, a lot of men will feel/do.

No matter what, cheating permanently changes the relationship - trust is never restored 100%. The BS has to endure the wondering if WS is really doing what they say (when apart) or ?

It's a trade off - Stay and endure. Or, trot and start over. Luck of the draw - maybe get another drudge person. Or, maybe the one that is all you ever wanted.

Crap-shoot

Just my observation - staying because of $$ considerations is a loser position. Guys face the same - SAHM and yet she (the WS) gets 1/2 of all of everything. So be it. It's the way the show works and how the gamble plays out when you "crap-out"

Remove the $$$ part of your decision making process. Put your happiness first. That works.

"But my kids - " from a "kid" the grew up in a cheating family - you ARE DAMAGING your kids by staying in an unhappy environment.

Just Bail.

Kids are a lot tougher than adults think - I always wonder if "adulthood" bestows upon those reaching some kind of loss of memory.

Practical side- Been checked for the usual array of creepy-crawlies?

Whatever your choice - it is going to entail some sadness. How much and how long - you choose.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 1:05 AM, Wednesday, December 24th]

My best friend’s dad cheated while she was young. Her mother stayed in the marriage to avoid hurting her and her then young brother. She witnessed how unhappy her mother was and lost trust in men and has never had a boyfriend (and she is not gay). Her brother seems less affected by his dad’s A and is married with a happy family. Kids would be hurt either way.

I think I need to clarify- I know my son will be fine. It’s me that won’t.

I had to share the custody of my first son 50/50 with his Dad and feel I missed out on so much of his life. (He is going to turn 18 soon) I just can’t stand to think about doing it again.

And my son doesn’t see me unhappy, I wouldn’t let that happen.

TBH it’s not that I’m completely unhappy. I love my job, my house, my family, my friends and persue a lot of interests. And like I said I don’t hate my husband but I know I don’t feel the same about him or my marriage anymore and therefore feel like I’m pretending!

I’m hopeful love will return but as I’ve been told many times - time and patience. Just a shame I am quite an impatient person 🤦🏽‍♀️

[This message edited by Webbit at 2:27 AM, Wednesday, December 24th]

My question is, how many others have stayed for reasons of rational rather than love and how long was it before you either found love with your W again or finally left.

I’m not saying every day is bad, and I admit we have had some great times since his A but sometimes pretending to be a happy married couple is exhausting and lonely.

My situation is unique and ongoing. My wife’s affairs (yes, multiple) were 20-40 years ago. I found out in June of 2022 (although I had suspicions in real-time and even caught her in an EA in 1986). We started working on R and it was very hit or miss (mostly miss). My wife several times wanted to just "throw it all up in the air" and move on. That wouldn’t work for me. I wanted to use this as an opportunity to build the intimate relationship we never truly had. I wanted to "become one". That was proving to be too difficult for her.

We had been empty nesters for 17 years on D-Day. Long ago put our kids through school and living in our dream house. I had to consider how "good" or at least "content" the past 17 years had been. I had already been retired for a year at that point and we are set financially. In fact, WAY more better off than my wife knew then or even knows now. Not because I keep it from her, she really has zero interest in financial matters and her involvement is pretty much "can she buy what she wants, when she wants".

We had made a plan for pursuing R and how we would pursue the next few years on 2/16/23. I felt good about the plan. This might work. The next day she had a series of seizures and after a long day of tests, was diagnosed with a brian tumor. All our plans went out the window. Surgery, radiation and chemo consumed the next 18 months. There were intermittent attempts at continuing doing the R work. Around the same time she finished chemo, she just stopped doing any work towards R. Stopped IC, everything. She essentially "threw it all in the air and moved on". At that point, I could either divorce her or try to "get to content". Money came into play. I didn’t want to hand over half my net worth to a cheater. I would still be more than fine with half but it became a point of principle for me. Also, the fact of the matter is she isn’t likely to live more than a couple of more years. A divorce likely would kill her will to live. My kids and grandkids likely hate me, relationships destroyed. Wha’s a couple of more years eating the shit sandwich, right?

My saving grace is that there will be an end to this fairly soon. It’s sad and tragic but I feel I did all I could for it not to be this way. We are still civil. No one outside of our walls (not even our kids) know about the affairs. I would also say I’m not pretending to be a happy married couple. I do what I want, when I want. I have lots of friends and a second home in my hometown that I visit frequently (which also gets me away from the constant presence of betrayal). I consider myself "content" or at the very least, "accepting" of my situation. My kids know me as a bit of a grump. They can just chalk that up as "grumpy old fart syndrome" for a couple of more years.

If my wife’s health wasn’t a consideration and all other things were the same, I would just bite the bullet and divorce. At the end of the day, I think Unhinged hit the nail on the head with being "content but not happy". Ultimately, that’s the question. How long can you live with being content but not (fully) happy?

I believe the correct answer to this question is completely unique to each individual. Think about what’s most important in a marriage to you personally. Romance? Financial Security? Friendship? Family? For me, romantic love was never and will never be a priority. I love my husband, but it’s not the same and that’s okay for ME. It wouldn’t work for others and that’s okay too. Maybe instead of focusing on staying vs going focus on what you want in life and when you figure that out you can more easily decide if those goals are obtainable in your current marriage or not. My feelings for my husband can ebb and flow and where they are at any given time are none of his business nor do they bother me. There is just too much for me to be grateful for in life to place a lot of emphasis on the day to day relationship with my husband.

After dday3 (about 2.5 months after dday1), I stayed for entirely practical reasons (our kid's mental health and not wanting to make all our friends and family sad). I lasted another 2 years and then decided I had to leave. By then our kid was doing a lot better (confirmed by her therapist), and I was a husk on the inside. Like you, I was exhausted by the pretense. Even if the day to day was tolerable, there was this shadow hanging over everything, like I could never fully relax and enjoy myself. It's gotten easier since announcing the divorce, though it's still sometimes hard because we haven't told our daughter about his cheating.

I stayed for practical reasons. We're 11 years past Dday. I still don't feel love for my H like before. I know I never will. I knew at the beginning that his cheating was an emotional dealbreaker for me.

My H has been very slow at working on himself. I don't think he truly started examining himself and his toxic patterns of thinking and behavior until 2-3 years ago. Maybe if he had made more significant changes faster, I would feel differently.

I don't pretend that we are a happy married couple. I just live my life. I may still leave one day. It depends on how practicalities change.

In our last MC session, our therapist asked my H what was the worst thing that could happen if he stopped trying to be perfect. He said that I would leave him. I told him I wouldn't leave him for being an imperfect human. I would leave him if he continued with his usual behavior.

cocoplus5nuts, not to go sideways, but what kind of a question was THAT, from a MC? And what is the actual spread between "perfect" and what you can't keep tolerating? (Asking for myself!)

Today I got a card saying Special Thank You at this time of year...he said the cards at all the stores he stopped at were picked over and none really fit us. I felt a very weird mix of reactions....like maybe he was thanking me for not D'ing him? Yikes....

At that point, I could either divorce her or try to "get to content". Money came into play. I didn’t want to hand over half my net worth to a cheater. I would still be more than fine with half but it became a point of principle for me. Also, the fact of the matter is she isn’t likely to live more than a couple of more years.

My sister-in-law is married to a man she feels absolutely nothing for. They were getting ready for divorce, but then he had a stroke and she’s been his caregiver ever since. They are coming up on 7 1/2 years of this. As he has declined, he has turned into a walking shit show that nobody wants to be around.

He is retired military and 100% disabled by the VA. If she has been his caregiver for eight years, then when he passes she will get an additional chunk of money each month. She has circled that date on the calendar and made it clear that her job is to keep him alive for the next six months, after which she will no longer care. She intends to place him into a close by full care facility, and get on with our life.

Draw what conclusions you will from that story.

[Quote]what kind of a question was THAT, from a MC? And what is the actual spread between "perfect" and what you can't keep tolerating?

Idk if I can explain everything. It's a lot. My H has an avoidant attachment style. He's also co-dependent. That means he will do almost anything to avoid conflict. It also means he can't handle making a mistake. He takes every question as an attack and reacts defensively. He takes all criticism as his personal failure. It stems from his childhood experience with his foo.

I can't remember specifically what we were talking about in therapy when that question came up. It had something to do with him responding to the most insignificant criticism with defensiveness rather than just saying, "Oops. My bad." The therapist was trying to get him to think about the root feeling of the behavior. (It's fear.) What is the worst thing that could happen if he messed up? He's so busy trying to be what he thinks I'll think is the perfect husband that he's creating the situation he's trying to avoid.

He tries so hard to be what he thinks I want him to be that he doesn't know who he is. He also has never asked me what I want, and apparently never really knew me, which means he misses the mark most of the time. Then, I'm not happy. He feels unappreciated because he did it all for me. He tells himself he's a failure and hides himself even more.

I've said for years even before he cheated that he tricked me into marrying him. He wasn't his authentic self from the moment we met. He pretended to be what he thought he was supposed to be. He didn't do it maliciously. He was so disconnected from himself that he didn't know he was doing it. He also didn't really get to know me because he was so lost in his own head.

It's insanity to me. I'm a very straightforward person. My mother used to fuss at me for being too blunt. I say what I mean and mean what I say in no uncertain terms. It never crossed my mind that someone could be so fake. I missed the red flags.

cocoplus5nuts, we had to have married brothers! You just explained something nobody else I've ever met in real life (or even here on SI) has articulated so accurately (OP forgive us the tangent, but this is a BIG problem, and apparently it's not just me!)

We have that same ongoing malfunction in our communication patterns and it continues to drive me to the brink, because it says to me nothing has or ever will change inside his head. Perhaps I'm over-assigning meaning to it, but every recovery book or article I've read on addiction disorders like sex addiction or other psychopathies says that when the offender starts to do serious work on themself, the spouse/victim will KNOW that, because they'll see evidence for it in their day to day behaviors changing!

So when his misperceptions never change, I have slim hopes he is capable of conquering whatever insanity lives inside his head that would have driven his past vindictiveness and "acting out" in ways designed to hurt the WOMAN he pledged to love and live with.

In other words, I still do not feel he is safe partner material. Some aspects of this are very dark, and they don't want to see it, themselves.

And as you said, it is the FOO damage drama they are so stuck in.

Question: is taking "every question as an attack" similar to my H taking every suggested thing I might speak to him about as an Order From Headquarters, to be snapped to immediately, thus always prompting defensive responses as to why he just CAN'T drop everything and do it RIGHT THEN, when I never even suggested he DO IT at all, just wanted him to think about when we MIGHT do it? This happens a lot here, and after a while, it's insulting to always get cast in such an unflattering light by someone who is really not processing well. So I know in my SAfWH's case, it is some kind of cognitive defect, like his brain is incapable of considering future-related context while he is doing anything in the present? Same same?

PS This defensive response business got way worse after D-Day 1, and I would never have married him to begin with had he acted like this during the four yesrs we dated, so I think you may have something there about them being afraid all the time. I'm past feeling pity for such fear, when I'm extending the grace of hope for change for years on end, but seeing no reduction in his knee jerk response to some Mean Mommy Ghost. UGH.

Superesse,

I've been considering starting a thread about the psychology of my H. It's a lot.

Idk if the snap-to-it response is the same as the defensiveness, but my H does that, too. When I would tell him he didn't have to do whatever right that second, he would get angrier. So bizarre. That stems from his foo, as well.

An IC once told my H that his dad took his powered away and he transferred it to me. He projected all of his dad's expectations onto me and assumed I expected him to behave the same. My H is 55yo. He's supposed to be an adult. He still worries about getting in trouble with me. I ask him often why he cares. Does it really matter? So what if I get angry at him. Nobody is going to die.

I feel the same about our marriage. I wouldn't have married this man if he had shown his true self to me, fragile ego, self-centered and selfish, petty, consumed with being seen as a "good" person to the point that he couldn't say no.

I don't think his inner world has really changed, either, although I do believe he's trying. Just yesterday, I overheard him talking to our sons. In a very sarcastic and petty tone, he said that, if I won't let him drive my camaro, he won't do anything to help me with it. IOW, he won't give unless he gets. I called him out on it. He tried to deny that he said that. One of the boys told him that, yes, that was what he said. Deep down, he doesn't get it.

He needs more intensive IC. He said he's applied for it and will be starting soon. At least from our work in MC, he now sees that he has a lot to work on.