SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We recently did a session with our therapist that included a "full disclosure". It was a comprehensive overview of all my sexual behavior and substance and alcohol abuse from childhood onward. No new information about the affair as we had already gone through all the significant details in the course of the initial disclosure, but some additional information on sexual activity before we met.

As context, my wife and I never discussed our past sexual history before marrying and did not discuss it after until I disclosed the affair. That said, we both come from conservative religious backgrounds and I knew she had no sexual history. I had significant sexual history and I have realized that resulted in me carrying secrets and shame into our relationship.

A couple nights ago we had a long discussion about the full disclosure. My wife was pretty emotional (understandable) and we discussed many of the issues related to the affair that have been weighing on her since the initial disclosure. Although hard to hear, I am definitely better now at processing and giving space for her emotions (vs shame spiraling) than I was initially.

That said, she made a comment about my sexual history as a teenager that really crushed me. The full disclosure included details like estimated times I had sex with each partner. I had a girlfriend for 18 months and we were sexual active for much of that time so the number was high. My wife's comment about it was not as a big an issue as the look of disgust she had when she made it.

I have been working through the sexual trauma from my youth in therapy and had got to place where I could give myself some grace, but this really set me back. My relationship with this girlfriend was super toxic and she really weaponized sex and manipulated me. This was at a time when my mom had just remarried and we moved into their house with a combined 8 teenagers (my three siblings and I and his four children). The dynamic was terrible and my mom really tapped out on parenting at this time. Saying that is hard because she is incredible and stepped up like a super hero when my dad left us for one of his many APs. The trauma from that combined with the feeling of abandonment after my mom remarried and we moved led me to stay away as much as possible. I spent almost all non school and work time at my girlfriend's house. Her parents loved me and in retrospect that was a big factor in me staying in the toxic relationship as long as I did.

I give that background for context to our sexual history. I had previous trauma that resulted in feelings of shame before this girlfriend and my girlfriend used that as part of the weaponization. What really stung when my wife made her comment is that I have always felt lesser than in our marriage. Obviously the affair was a big factor after it occurred, but even before that I felt inadequate as a spouse and parent. She seemed so natural as a mom and I struggled as I had no reference point for what a good dad is. I have a good relationship with both my adult kids and they would probably be shocked to hear me say that as I overcompensate by being super involved and ensuring they had all the material things I never did, but in my head I was a bundle of doubts and feelings of inadequacy.

The look on my wife's face when she talked about my sexual history with this girlfriend triggered the feelings of shame I brought into the marriage and reinforced how much I feel lesser than. I feel like I was damaged goods when we married.

Might be that my insomnia is kicking the shit out of mental health right now, but wondering if i will ever feel like I am good enough for her. The affair has created a significant imbalance, but I feel like the damage I had coming in already had me so far behind that nothing I will ever do can bridge the gap.

Your wife's disgust about past relationships is probably more to do with shock and horror that you hid all of this from her, that you never fully trusted her to be authentic with her. My husband had had a previous affair with same AP before we met...he never told me because of shame and that's part of the reason it happened again. I would have found his previous behaviour shocking but I would have got over it...his lack of honesty and authencity was worse.

However, you can bridge that gap and you can be good enough for her by how you show up in reconciliation. You can't change the past, I am disgusted by the way my husband behaved as a husband and as a father by having an affair when I had just given birth. Nothing can change that. BUT, I am so proud of the way he has turned things round, dug deep inside with therapy, challenged his avoidance, addressed his FOO issues, put boundaries in place and basically finally owned his shit and decided they be honest, remorseful and authentic. That man is good enough for me and if you continue to behave the way you are now, you will be good enough for your wife. Do not let your shame rob you of the gift of reconciliation your wife is giving you.

Your wife's disgust about past relationships is probably more to do with shock and horror that you hid all of this from her, that you never fully trusted her to be authentic with her. My husband had had a previous affair with same AP before we met...he never told me because of shame and that's part of the reason it happened again. I would have found his previous behaviour shocking but I would have got over it...his lack of honesty and authencity was worse.

However, you can bridge that gap and you can be good enough for her by how you show up in reconciliation. You can't change the past, I am disgusted by the way my husband behaved as a husband and as a father by having an affair when I had just given birth. Nothing can change that. BUT, I am so proud of the way he has turned things round, dug deep inside with therapy, challenged his avoidance, addressed his FOO issues, put boundaries in place and basically finally owned his shit and decided they be honest, remorseful and authentic. That man is good enough for me and if you continue to behave the way you are now, you will be good enough for your wife. Do not let your shame rob you of the gift of reconciliation your wife is giving you.

My exwife and I came from pretty religious backgrounds, and I was a virgin in my wedding night. She was not, I knew that. But what I didn’t know was the intense amount of baggage she was dragging into the marriage around sex. She refused to ever talk about it. It came out in all the affair drama and I still feel a sense of betrayal around that, that I was paying for other men’s secret sins for 20 years.
But if I can offer you hope, while I was trying to reconcile with her, the fact that that stuff came to light was hope giving to me. It explained a lot, and it put a vision in my head of how good life could be with her if that was no longer impacting the relationship. It was a second mountain to climb for her (and you) above and beyond affair recovery, and she wasn’t willing to get past the foothills, so it didn’t work out for me. But maybe for you you can take this new understanding between the two of you and forge a healthier partnership.

I've been reading your threads, and if anyone on here is deserving of a 2nd chance you're at the top of my list.

Our positions are kind of reversed, tho. My wife was a virgin when we met, and I had had a very active sex life through my teen years and well into my 20s. I was very irresponsible and had many different partners. Years of unprotected sex with upwards of 20 different women and a ton of ONS. It's amazing I didn't end up with something incurable, tho I did get a couple of things that needed to be cleared up with antibiotics. Add to that my father was a serial cheater. Then when my mother got fed up with it, she cheated on my father with the bass player from his band and ended up eventually marrying him. I was well primed to be an unfaithful husband.

A strange thing happened tho. When I got married I actually settled down and remained faithful to my wife for 28 years now, and I've had a few opportunities. She's the one who, shockingly, stepped outside of our marriage.

Of course I was devastated, but the way she's handling everything now, her attitude, and her commitment to change and become a better person really makes me think of you. I'm pretty filled with hope, and I love her now more than ever. Which is of course juxtaposed with some pretty major trust issues atm, but she's been working hard on that for the last 7 months, and I give her credit for it. I think we have a great chance at fixing our marriage.

All that to say, I think you really get it. I think you have a real shot at salvaging and rebuilding something new and better with your marriage. I don't have a whole lot to add or say about this thread in particular, but just wanted to pop in and say that I've noticed you, and I think you're doing a stellar job of owning your shit and doing all of the right things by your wife now. Yes, you messed up, but you're also bending over backwards to make up for it, and your sincerity leaps off the page at me. Much like my wife's sincerity leaps out at me in her words and actions now. I think you deserve some recognition and could be pointed to as an example of a truly remorseful WS who honestly wants to become a better husband and person. Good for you man, I'm really pulling for you and wish you the best.

[This message edited by Pogre at 3:04 PM, Saturday, November 22nd]

Brother, I think you're being way too hard on yourself.

My parents' relationship with each other was clearly toxic. I knew that by the time I was 10 years old. They were so consumed by their animosity towards each other that neither had any spare emotional capacity for me and my younger sister. My aunt (dad's sister) once observed that we pretty much raised ourselves, which didn't work out well for either of us

I damn near flunked out of high school, graduating three months late with a 1.7 GPA. My little sister was already on her way to being an alcoholic at 15 years old. We were both extremely fucked-up puppies. We both sought out that missing love in all manner of self-destructive ways.

Not our fault, brother. Not yours, either.

Still, I've struggled with feeling "less than" for most of my life. I don't find shame to be useful. It's a bullshit word, created by assholes who seek to diminish others to cover up their own fucked-up issues and make them feel better about their own shitty lives.

"You should be ashamed of yourself" is quite possibly the most despicable, deplorable statement one could ever utter.

Be kind and gentle with yourself, sir. Life is fucking hard enough without such self-flagellation.

Tomorrow is more important than yesterday.

Peace

The affair has created a significant imbalance, but I feel like the damage I had coming in already had me so far behind that nothing I will ever do can bridge the gap.

Gently, I think you just told us that you were one down long before your infidelity. Sure, infidelity can make one feel even worse about themself after the A starts than they felt before the A, but I think - that is, IMO - low self-esteem is a factor in all WSes.

...wondering if i will ever feel like I am good enough for her.

Again gently, you control that. You can continue to feel awful comparing your self to your W, or you can remind yourself that she chose you. There's a good chance she thinks she lucked out because you chose her. You don't control her likes and dislikes, and there's no accounting for taste. Every so often, external validation is useful.

I never understood what my W saw in me. It took me 40 years to accept that whatever she saw in me was enough for her, which was all that mattered.

My point is that you have to find your own value - value to others and to yourself.

IMO, hikingout often writes about this struggle to see oneself as a worthwhile human being.