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Hi guys… A month after the A, BH asked me to sit down and write down every instance of infidelity or dishonesty towards him I could think of. I tried my best, but there were things that I think my mind repressed. The most successful liars convince themselves that what they’re telling others is the truth. I recently did some internal work to be able to handle the shame of prior incidences, and I think that in combination with that trying to become a more honest person, some of those repressed memories are now returning. It’s basically unintentional TTing at this point.

I remembered two last week, and was trying to find the right time to tell BH. (Not before work, not before bed on a weekday, not when he was in a great mood or in a terrible one, etc., to minimize the rippling impact of the disclosure.) At the advice of some others, I decided to just get it over with, and I told him last night… As expected, it sucked. We had, I think, a productive conversation afterwards, but of course he didn’t sleep well, and today he is back to processing additional pain. (I keeping thinking how awful this is and a voice in my head responds "Oh would you look at that? It’s the consequences of your actions!" Thanks, brain.)

I’m just wondering, does anyone have experience with unlocking repressed memories? I was considering trying hypnosis to see if that would help. I want this to stop, but I can’t even guarantee that I won’t remember something a week, a month, or even years later and have to disclose again. I feel powerless and I don’t like it.

I looked into this after I made the decision to disclose an affair that happened 20 years ago. I had financial records that helped me put together a timeline with specific events, but quickly realized that 1) I could not remember many specifics and 2) some of that was likely due to repressing / blocking those memories. Strong advice I received is that hypnosis is not effective for unlocking repressed memories and can very often lead to false memories as you are highly suggestible during a hypnotic stage. I decided that I am already messed up enough without the mind fuck of trying to decipher real memories from fake ones. I already wonder about this as I wanted to be super transparent in my disclosure and felt at times that I should embellish or make up anything that I thought was a real memory.

Ultimately one of the elements of disclosing events that are several years old is that our memories are very likely not going to be reflective of the actual events. More modern cognitive science suggests our memories are not like a video recorder, but are actually reconstructed every time we recall them. This makes us susceptible to modifying it slightly based on our current emotions, beliefs, context, etc. before we store it again. We reconstruct again at the next recall and are starting from the newly stored memory. For example, if someone is in an anxious state when the remember something the memory will likely be more anxiety colored than it was before.

My personal belief is that this is magnified when the memory involves trauma. I can remember very specific details from some of my more traumatic events, but it often feels like a sharp piece of a picture that is otherwise fuzzy. I had a rough discussion with my wife last night as we went through some very painful details of my past including the affair. I had to answer "I do not know" to questions and found it very frustrating to both of us. I do not like the answer, but the reality is that I will never be able to give a full accounting of the affair and that sucks. I originally thought that the broad strokes would be enough and that she would be less concerned about the details, but like many of my assumptions with Mrs. FVL I was dead wrong. Having a tough time myself with this right now.

Okay, so no hypnosis then. BH and I went through a timeline of my life once more to see if there was anything else I could recall. There were at least some time periods where I know for sure nothing happened.

Sending hugs and prayers your way, FVL

I offered hypnosis to my BH, but we eventually discarded the idea due to the research alluded to by feelingverylow. I then advocated for a polygraph, because at least that would prove that my intent was remorseful. I found that preparing for it was an excellent self-check. Imagining the exam room, being asked if I knowingly lied about the A by action or omission, was like a metal detector looking for raw ore buried deep beneath the surface. If I got anxious about that question when reviewing my timeline, that was an indicator to stop and dig.

I agree with BSR, a polygraph is a good idea. I also found for myself and for others that admitting to something anywhere, in any form, made it easier to say to my husband. So saying it out loud while you're on a walk, writing it in a journal, telling a friend you know will be gentle with you, etc will make it easier to then tell someone whose reaction will be more difficult. Quite a few times, a while ago when I was more active, a wayward person would tell me something on PM (and I wouldn't have a big negative reaction) and then within a couple of days she would tell her husband. Just the act of saying it once makes it easier to say twice.

All I can imagine is taking a polygraph and failing as a result of being anxious that I’m not telling the truth, because I don’t know what the truth is myself

My understanding is that polygraphs are calibrated to account for nerves. Most people are going to be freaked out when hooked up to wires and answering high stakes, extremely personal questions being asked by a stranger. If that's all it took to flunk one, then almost nobody would pass.

Speaking for myself, though, I could feel a difference when I finally dragged the last of my lies into the light. Until I put them down, I had no idea how heavy they were and how much energy I had devoted to ignoring them.