SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all. My husband had an affair that started while I was pregnant and continued throughout our child's babyhood. It has brought up lots of things for me that are particular to being betrayed during that period of my life and my baby's life. The mods didn't think that this would be apply to enough members to justify its own place in 'I can relate'. I totally understand their reasoning and not having a dedicated space for it is absolutely fine. Unfortunately though hearing that has made me feel even more like some kind of pariah for my husband to have been able to do this. Please some other people tell me that I am not the only person in the world this has ever happened to?

Welcome to SI and I'm sorry that you're now part of the best club nobody wants to join. We do have members that fall within your situation. It can be hit or miss when they're on the site.

If you haven't checked out the posts pinned to the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, please take the time to read them. There are also some great posts that have bull's eye icons that are really good. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of resources.

I'm sorry that he turned a time that should be joyous for you and made it a time of misery instead. If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful.

Please take this time to take care of you and your child. Focus on you and your healing. If you're feeling depressed or can't sleep, ask your doctor for some meds if you feel you may need them. While you're there, you may wish to be tested for STDs/STIs, and your WH (wayward husband) should as well. There are some nasty diseases out there.

Be sure to eat healthy and stay hydrated. Expect your emotions to be all over the place - we call it the emotional rollercoaster. Exercise can help get rid of your anger.

The self-esteem takes a hit when you find out your spouse has been cheating on you and isn't limited to people who were pregnant and through babyhood. His A (affair) wasn't based on how you looked or didn't look, said or didn't say. He has something wrong with his moral compass and the decision to cheat was his choice. Rather than talk to you about things, he selfishly thought only about himself. He should be in IC to work on his why's.

Look at all the gorgeous actors & singers who have been cheated on. Halle Berry, Jennifer Aniston. Adam Levine's wife was a Victoria's Secret underwear model.

Sorry that you're here and I'm hoping others will post.

Struggling

Although a member of staff I’m not in the mods arena when decisions like the one you feel was made against you are made. However... I do think I know why.
We have had threads in the I Can Relate forum about specific types of infidelity experiences, and if they don’t get the traction expected they simply drop down the pages. For instance; there was a thread about infidelity and law-enforcement. We have several people with that background. Yet that thread was a dud and went for weeks with no activity. If anything it was counterproductive for those dealing with that experience.

I think that’s the main reason why they are reluctant to start new, non-proven threads. I think your sense of rejection would be more had you started a thread there, only to see it drop down the pages. If anything – I think the mods might have been doing you a favor.

Having said all that: We do get several women every year sharing a comparable story to yours. Hopefully some of them will join in here.
As a man – a husband and a father – I can only tell you that I can’t understand how any man can cheat on a woman that’s giving him the ultimate gift. I have seldom been as much in awe at my wife as when she was carrying the miracle of our children.

I think ALL infidelity is due to deficiencies in the wayward. I guess we could find all sorts of Freudian reasons about your partner feeling threatened, existential issues or whatever. We don’t really need to go there, but what is clear IMHO is that if you want this marriage, and if your husband clearly states he wants this marriage then he needs to work on what made HIM decide this was acceptable behavior.

I think your first step might be for you to decide what you want and realize that what is within your control. For example, if you realize that this was too much and you won’t get over it and want out of marriage then that is totally within your control. No matter what he does, he can’t prevent a divorce if that’s what you want.
If you want this marriage, then you accept that you can’t control him. However you can control what you accept. If he were willing to go to IC to work on why he had the affair and how he can become a safe partner, then you really have a good shot at reconciling. If however he thinks you should get over it and move on and that’s it... well... you can control what you accept, but personally I wouldn’t accept that.

I am not trying to complain about the decision, I really do understand. Unfortunately it had the unavoidable effect of exacerbating the sense of isolation that I feel. So I was really hoping I might hear from other people who have had a similar experience.

StrugglingThrough, I can’t give you any users off the top of my head but I can say that there are posts at least once a month if not more from women who discovered that their husband cheated during pregnancy and the postpartum period. I hope that women who have gone through this experience will respond and support you.

If there is one commonality that I can say from all those posts is that these men were generally selfish and self-centered (whether or not that was apparent to their wives at the time) who needed to be the center of the universe at all times. They also have no capacity for self-sacrifice and putting other people first, which is a requisite for any man who becomes a father (or any person who wants to be a parent, for that matter).

I hope you’ll stick around and post for support. I don’t know how far out you are from discovery, but I recommend posting your story on Just Found Out if your discovery is recent and you need advice on how to move forward.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:03 PM, Friday, November 21st]

My husband's cheating started when I was pregnant with our 3rd child...it started with sexting then progressed to a PA when I was around 8 weeks post partum. Ironically the AP was pregnant at the time. There was a couple of sexual encounters then several months of sexting then a few more sexual encounters when she was post partum followed by a year of sexting.

I did not find out till 12 years later.

The time period in which it happened has been the hardest part for me and I don't think we would have been reconciling if I had found out at the time.

My husband was selfish, reckless, impulsive and negligent as a father and a husband. He knows that now and is sickened by his behaviour. I don't think he thought about our children at all and believe there was some Madonna/whore complex going on whereby he wouldn't touch me for fear of hurting our baby but treated the AP like a whore with no regard for her baby.

My husband is a very different man now and I struggle to comprehend how he behaved like this as does he. We are reconciling and it's going relatively well as he has taken accountability and has been in individual counselling since January as have I.

One thing I would say is there are people on here whose wives have cheated on them whilst they were pregnant/post partum so it's not just men who cheat during this time. Dr Kathy Nickerson suggests affairs occur when there is a Bermuda triangle of events and pregnancy is one of those events.

How is your husband behaving now? When was your DD?

One thing I would say is there are people on here whose wives have cheated on them whilst they were pregnant/post partum so it's not just men who cheat during this time. Dr Kathy Nickerson suggests affairs occur when there is a Bermuda triangle of events and pregnancy is one of those events.

Yes, I am a BH whose wife cheated while pregnant. With BOTH our kids. She was also the OW who’s AP’s wife was pregnant and delivered their first child during the affair. What a peach of a person, huh?

I have to say cheating while pregnant is probably the "cherry on the shit sundae" as far as my wife’s affairs. IMO, when a couple is expecting that should be the time you are most closely bonded and building security for the little one and the family they are coming into. Not sullying yourself and the marriage….

At least my wife used being pregnant with my daughter as a reason to end her second affair. But not before one last "goodbye screw" where she told AP he didn’t have to wear a condom because she’s already pregnant ( no concerns for STDs or the health of the baby). And since I found out about this decades later, I was blessed with having to DNA test my 35 year old daughter. Good times….

Thank you all for your support. My husband and I have both been tested for STDs. I am in individual therapy for trauma. He is also in therapy.

Evio thank you so much for sharing your experience. I am sorry to hear what you went through, but glad that things are going relatively well now. I also struggle to comprehend how the person I thought I knew could have done this. You said your husband's behaviour was selfish and negligent - was that before or only during his affair?

Imachump...I grilled my husband as to how he could risk my health and the APs unborn child (all children in these situations are innocent). He was sick with shame when I pointed this out to him and that I daren't even eat a runny egg or some blue cheese for fear of harming my unborn baby, I couldn't understand how my husband could do this to me or the AP or how the AP could risk her baby either....neither of them were clearly thinking straight!

Struggling - no my husband was not selfish or negligent when we first got together but he was reckless and hot headed and we went through a lot early on in our relationship...a miscarriage, house move, two kids, a wedding, a ton of debt and a stressful job with unsociable hours and a long commute, no family support and then a third child all in 5 years. He didn't want our third child and struggled to cope with the two we already had who have ADHD/autism but I wanted the big loving family I never had. I think his affair was partly a pain killer for the stress he was under, partly impulsive, reckless behaviour and partly a big f you to me for 'making him' be a responsible father before he was ready (they were all willingly conceived but I don't think he has any idea what the reality of being a dad meant).

Once his affair ended...as did the worst of the sleepless nights I think he woke up and realised what he had and what he risked and although he has still had hot headed moments over the years, he became more and more involved as a father and really seemed to love being a husband and a dad.

That's why I'm trying to work it out now... because the man he is today is so different from the man he was then.

[This message edited by Evio at 9:52 PM, Friday, November 21st]