SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So many of you know my story. Dissolution day was October 16. My Ex WW told my youngest son a little over a year ago about the affair. Threw me under the bus to where he was very angry with me. I completely opened up with him with full honesty and transparency. He quickly apologized and in the following year had been able to visualize my pain, understand progress in my healing, and everything I’ve done to save the marriage while at the same time seeing his mother not put in the work, stay distant and leave me in pain. I now have the type of relationship with my son that I’d always wanted with my ex. We can and do talk about anything and everything with fluid ease. It is such a refreshing experience I can’t even describe it. In the aftermath, he initially lost respect for his mother as a person, then when he told her that both her and I together needed to tell our oldest son. She went and did it without me which upset my youngest son. That caused him to lose respect for her as a mother. He said she has never had an honest, deep conversation about why and how this all happened. She has never really checked in on him. She has never asked what she can do for him to help him through this. The other day he told her the mother he’s always known doesn’t exist anymore. The result of that was her texting me and thanking me for telling him whatever it was that caused him to feel this way. Are you fucking kidding me! I was a bit pissed to be honest, but I’m trying to become a better version of myself so I texted back that I have told both sons that she was always an incredible mother and they need to always remember that. Then I texted her that how our sons feel about her are between them and her. I haven’t said anything derogatory about her to create these feelings. They are both mid 20’s adults now and have the ability to decide for themselves how they feel and what they need from her. She’s still blaming me for her affair and the consequences of it.

The other day he told her the mother he’s always known doesn’t exist anymore. The result of that was her texting me and thanking me for telling him whatever it was that caused him to feel this way.

The truth.

More evidence to support that you made the right decision in leaving her, however hard that was.

It's hard that with kids, we will always be at least a little connected with our exes. There's no way to go fully no contact, which does seem to be the speediest way to healing. At least you have a good relationship with your younger son. Being able to talk freely sounds amazing. My kid is only 16, and she knows that we're divorcing but not why, and I do a lot of biting my tongue around her.

Are you at a point where you can block her? If you still need contact for a few business things, get those resolved and block her.

The cheater is the victim here. ROFLMAO!

She was blocked shortly after she made that accusation.

Where are your sons and their families (if any) spending Thanksgiving and Christmas? I'd invite them both to your residence for both holidays. Let them make their own choices.

If they both choose to spend it with you and do not visit your ex-wife, how do you think she will handle it? Does she have family to go to for the holidays? Or is she expecting you and the kids to play nice and have "one last holiday together" BS.

You may want to get ahead of the situation now to avoid an awkward Thanksgiving or Christmas Day.

Stay firm in your decisions.

Nuke,

I live next door to my parents and they’ve always done Thanksgiving. Every Christmas we used to go as a full family to my grandmothers until her passing, then my aunt who still lives in my small town continued the tradition, so my parents, myself, and my boys will all be there on Christmas Eve. My ex really doesn’t have much family, her only sister lives in Michigan, and her cousin live the next town over. I’d guess she will spend the holidays with her cousin and her family. My oldest son still interacts with her, but my younger son is dealing with a huge amount of disrespect for her. She has a lot of work to do to rebuild that connection. She made her choices, and she alone is responsible to own the consequences and make amends if she wants a better life with them.

[This message edited by Copingmybest at 9:40 AM, Thursday, November 20th]

I find this scenario sad.
I think you are in a good space – especially if I go back to your thread from September. Be aware that you are healing, and don’t allow her to drag you back into a negative space. Your best way to deal with her is to accept and constantly remember that you can’t control her, but you can control what impacts you. Her relationship with her sons isn’t really your concern OTHER than how it might impact your sons.

However – the key issue is that your sons are in their 20’s, and therefore should be capable and able to decide themselves what interaction they want with other people – parents included. I have said this several times on this site: Our parental role changes over time, and part of that role becomes where we step aside as controllers and become advisors and spectators. Like we might dictate what bike a 5 year old gets, prevent wrong purchases for a 12-year-old, and advise a 25 year old to get a Harley rather than a Honda – but he would make the final decision.

At the same time, I think we should show our parents a level of respect that goes on for life. No matter what their mom did to YOU in your marriage, there is no denying she is their mom. That respect does not mean having her over for holidays or visiting weekly, but it might mean going over and help her with changing a flat tire and being civil.

My suggestion to you is this:
As you already have then make it very clear to your ex that her relationship with her son’s is NOT your issue, other than how it impacts them.
As you already have been – be upfront to your sons about why you divorced. If you can – do so in a non-judgmental way, sort of like you are narrating what happened.

NEVER talk disrespectfully about their mom.
Make it very clear to them that you have no expectations of them taking sides. They never have to choose between you or their mom. You can take examples such as if they graduate, marry or whatever you will never make it about them choosing if they invite mom or dad.

Suggest they aren’t overtly judgmental to other people. That it’s OK if they feel negative towards their mom, but chances are that if their whole life is evaluated, she has done more positive than negative. It’s OK to be angry – but work towards acceptance of what took place.

IMHO the "end-point" (as if there ever is one...) for your recovery isn’t where you get revenge or can completely disassociate from your wife. It’s rather where she no longer matters from an emotional POV for you. It’s where you can maybe attend a son’s wedding and not be bothered that she’s there too, maybe even with her newest boyfriend or whatever.

Bigger,
About a month ago my therapist asked me what I wanted to focus on now that the dissolution was complete. I told her I wanted to work on being the best version of myself. That means respect from myself, demanding respect from others while holding my level of integrity and decency towards others, my ex included. I want for her and my sons to have a healthy relationship, but as I’ve learned in therapy, fixing her is not my focus or concern. I don’t speak poorly of her, but I do openly share my feeling and experiences with my sons. I want to be completely honest with them both, I own my share of the marital issues with them and talk to them about those issues as a hope that maybe they will learn from my mistakes. My connection with my younger son has blossomed into something I would never have imagined, and he has repeatedly told me that his respect for me as a person is off the charts. He said I’ve set the bar so high he hopes one day he can live up to it. I told him that I never tried setting a bar anywhere, that what he’s seeing in me is just a person trying to be a decent human being and that it’s not really that hard to be decent to others. My ex’s life is hers to live without any interference with me, I’ll not disparage her in any way. Yes I still feel some anger and lots of hurt, but those are issues for me to deal with and I will not project them onto her or use them as a catalyst to fuel separation between her and her sons. Her actions that her sons see are the reasons for their negative feelings toward her, and that damage is hers to repair. I wish her the best in repairing that damage, but my heart says she’s not to the point yet where she can do that work.