SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I told my husband (he's the one who was unfaithful) that I wanted a divorce or at least a separation and he told me he would never sign the papers granting me a divorce and said if I try to leave him he's going to quit his job, knowing he is our family's only source of income and how this will hurt our child and her stability. He doesn't care, he wants to hurt me more I feel. Because he said I depend on his income and he won't have a job to "support" me if we are divorced. I think he means spousal support. He is always trying to do the most he can to emotionally damage me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to hurt our daughter by her losing everything she's ever known. But I feel so trapped and controlled. I can't stop crying.

Do you have any savings you can draw on for a little while, until you find a source of income for yourself? Can you get on welfare benefits should your WH quit his job? I assume you’ll get half of the marital assets if you divorce, which should help a bit too.

Do you have anyone to stay with until you get established? Anyone to help with childcare if you’re working, until you find a more permanent solution? I think, fundamentally, divorce is unstable for children. But it’s better than growing up witnessing one parent abuse the other, and you can get back to a stable place in time.

Twisted

Went back to your older posts.
Your husband IS THREATENING YOU.

Be very clear on that. HE IS THREATENING YOU.

Go back to your older threads. There are a number of posters talking about abusive behavior. Read what NoThanksForTheMemories posted. Read what 5Decades wrote...

I want to try to offer you some sort of action plan, but first let’s look at some FACTS:
Understand that you don’t ASK for a divorce. You DO a divorce. He does NOT have to give you one, he does NOT have to sign anything. He can delay, he can refuse to accept it’s happening... But if you file then all his inaction does is delay the inevitable (like... if he signs the papers can be processed, if he refuses he might get 30 days before they are processed by default), and if he doesn’t interact in a logical and reasonable way decisions will be made FOR him by the court.
Early-on in the process you CAN ask for prime residence and that he is legally obliged to move out. This might not be what you want, but if he remains abusive then this might be what you NEED.

He CAN quit his job. But with tax-records years back showing he can earn a living then the courts will see through that. This might even be to your advantage: Instead of half the value of the house, savings, pensions... you might get all the house in lieu of spousal support. It’s an empty threat. Sort of like cutting off your nose to spite your face.

A hard, hard fact... Abusive men tend to go along a known path... Small emotional to big emotional to physical abuse. Physical abuse tends to escalate. It can peak when they realize they are losing control...
All those short stories you see in the tattler-type magazines about cops finding the wife and kids dead in bed and the husband having placed a bullet in his brain... well... as a former cop, I believe them...
Not saying you are headed there, not saying your husband will get there. But let’s just say that BEFORE he started his present behavior your odds of even being in that group were maybe 1 in a million. Now... with him and his behavior that I think is 100% connected to some mental breakdown... and his recent threats... you are down to 1 in 10000.

Finally – one really hard fact. Any legal advice you get on this site - Including my "facts" about divorce above – need to be taken with great caution. It’s probably correct – but you need local know-how to confirm.

Your action plan:

Get support. That can be family, a friend... whatever. Let them know of his behavior and how you think you need to divorce. If you want to – you can add that if he were to seek accountable treatment you would delay or even stop the divorce. DO NOT feel shame for how he’s behaving. This isn’t your fault, but friend – it falls squarely on YOUR shoulders to ensure your safety and the safety of your daughter. Talk to his parents. Maybe they can take him for a fortnight for some breathing space.

Your support can be a local domestic abuse center. I strongly recommend you contact one because they can guide you through and offer you services ranging from legal advice, companionship, counseling and safety. They want you NOW, and not when he’s beaten the crap out of you – emotionally and/or physically.

Prepare for an escalation. Have a plan in place for how you leave the house if this escalates beyond the present threats. Do you have a good neighbor? Let them know, and ask that they come over if there is a disturbance. Nearby friend? The same – you dial – they come. Especially in the initial phases of abuse-escalation your husband will NOT want others to witness his behavior.

Based on the advice and support of the above – create an action plan for a divorce. Get your legal advice in place. Don’t delay this any more than you need. Don’t talk to him about it – the first he get’s to know is when he’s served.

Gather evidence about his threats if possible. Once again the experts at the abuse center can guide you here. But IF push comes to shove then you want to be able to file a restraining order and get him out of the house ASAP.

Any guns or other weapons in the house? If so – have them removed. Even if you have to do so without his consent.

Friend – a lot of the above sound drastic and maybe overkill...
There is so much in this post that I would so much have been able to tell the DOZENS of women I had to escort to ER during my years as a cop. Not to mention the one that didn’t go to ER, but to the morgue in a body bag.

You really need to take his threats and his overall behavior seriously.

Bigger is giving you ideas to think about. He is a cop(retired?)and has very good logical advice.

I am going out on a limb here. Your husband MIGHT be dangerous physically to you if you try to divorce. As a social worker I have helped women get away from their abusive husbands. I want you to understand this, really understand this, your husband is probably enjoying the control he has over you so if you try to separate he might come unglued. I am very serious about this. You need to see your local police to find shelter. I consider what is going on an emergency. Your house will mean nothing to you if you are injured or worse. Your child should be somewhere safe as well. A divorce to someone as controlling as your husband means he loses….and people like him refuse to lose. They will often do anything to keep from losing. I hope I am wrong about him but his behaviors show a lack of caring. Please use caution and plan by finding papers you need, save some money and get to know the local police.

In short order you need a lawyer, a restraining order against him, have him removed from the home and get a support team.

He’s an idiot. If he thinks he has control over a legal process and can stop the divorce he really is full of himself (and misinformed).

And yes he is threatening you.

You need to get you and your daughter out of the house, talk to the police, get a DV counselor/shelter, and talk to your lawyer-- in that order.

Your husband will likely be fired from his job anyway because of his egregious sexual harassment of a former employee and the hostile work environment that he's created. Therefore, your financial challenges will be the same whether you remain married or get divorced.

Most importantly, use the time that he is at work as an opportunity to get away from him.

Yes, this is going to scary and traumatic for your daughter. But it won't be nearly as scary or traumatic as a murder-suicide, which is your husband's current trajectory.

Agree with the other posters who have offered clarity about your husband's abuse and threats.

And one small point to offer on him quitting his job. I don't know what the laws are in your state, but where I am, being employed doesn't factor into spousal support. What is considered is the person's ability to get a job at a certain pay level, whether or not they actually have a job. Someone who has a college degree or graduate degree is expected to work and earn a higher level of income than someone with only a high school degree, and a judge will award spousal support on that basis even if the person doesn't currently have a job. Obviously if your husband has no job, he can't pay you even if a judge orders it, but he'll still have a legal obligation to you.

Point being, talk with an attorney to understand how spousal support awards are determined in your state. There might be more ways to think about this than you realize.

For starters, if he tries this nonsense of quitting his job a judge is going to tear him a new one. The judge will not care one bit if he is working or not, your husband will be ordered to at least pay child support and possibly alimony depending upon the state you live in so do not let his BS threat scare you. It will work against him badly in court.

Call his bluff. Tell him you're pushing forward with the divorce and if he wants to quit his job that is his decision and leave it at that. Talk to an attorney. He or she will tell you where you stand

And if he tries to quit his job and get a lesser paying job that's not going to fly either. The judge will look at his income history and base support off of that

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:42 PM, Monday, October 13th]

In your situation, I would pretend everything is just fine. All the while working behind the scenes to get yourself and child out of there.

@TwistedandConfused

What your describing is precisely the reason you should look for all options to leave him. He's not safe, he's threating you and your child. Look to friends and family for support. Create a plan to leave. Show your child you will protect her/him from anyone (including their father).

Not only is he threatening you [and your children] he is giving you a huge sign to RUN.

Please take advantage of free consultations that many attorneys offer [at least 3] and see what your options would be.

Document everything he says/does that could be perceived a threat moving forward and do the best you can w/dates, times, circumstances, etc. of what he's done in the past.