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What would have been my 20 year wedding anniversary came and went this week. I honestly didn’t even notice it was coming. Then I wake up to an expensive gift and a note from her. Weird.

I feel incredibly heavy, like so much of the best years of my life have gone to waste. That I invested into the marriage, hoping for future happiness, and all that came in the end is this heart ache and trauma.

The divorce proceeds slowly. That also weighs on me. This sucks.

I'm so sorry InkHulk

I’m so sorry, Ink. The gift would really throw me. It feels weird/manipulative at best. Are you two still living in the same house? Is she trying to stop the divorce?

I don’t have first hand experience with divorce, so take my words with the requisite salt, but is there anyway you speed things up? Living in that slow motion state sounds awful.

Hang in there, IH. You've come such a long way. Yes, this sucks. It's the suckiest sucky thing of things that suck.

But the peace & contentment on the other side is so worth going through the sucky part. My relationship with my children and grandchildren is stronger, and I'm thankful for that. I'm able to go out and do things without having to ensure XWH is having a good time, too.

I feel incredibly heavy, like so much of the best years of my life have gone to waste.

This really hits home. I remember thinking that XWH stole my youth. It was something that mindfulness helped me through. I like who I am now and am happy being by myself or with a group. I can just enjoy the moment. To me, that is a lot. I don't have to worry about things or do a lot to make others happy - I can just enjoy.

But today, it's ok to feel the suck.

IH- keep on keeping on. It really really gets better. And those anniversaries and stuff one day turn into just another day. it’s kinda wild when it happens, but it’s kinda great, too.

Sending strength.

I haven’t cried in ages and your post made me cry. I’m not sure why, a mixture of gifts, not getting it, investing in futures and just the fact it really sucks.

Was it a gift you had previously discussed? Or a completely out of the blue random item? Did she explain why?

I am sorry and I get the best years part then I think of my kids as I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

I worked so hard and invested into our future too. You guys on here remind me that there are good true people when I’m having a wobble.

Hope you have a good day.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Many of us can relate to what you are feeling.

It’s not natural to many of us, but take exquisite care of yourself during this time. Everyone’s situation is different, but the $$$ gift made me think of the Trojan Horse…as in what nasty surprise could be coming out of this? Ugh hang in there. There can be much good life post D.

Hang in there Ink it’s not an easy road but there is light at the end of this tunnel. While on one hand I’m happy that the day of your anniversary was just another day why the gift from her? Ugh That would definitely make the day weird.

I remember the process of D was brutal and was so relieved when it was finally over and I could finally come up to breathe. You will get there one step at a time.

I see my old M as a blessing and a curse I did get my two beautiful children out of it and learned so much about myself. I believe I had to go through it to learn these lessons, tough lessons for sure but they have made me a better, stronger and wiser person.

One day it won’t feel bad and you will feel a lightness, a peace about yourself rid of the weight that was pulling you down.

It's a rite of passage, IH. Once you get through it, your life will be better.

Dealing with your losses is probably the best thing you can do now, IMO.

Listening to or watching The Magic Flute may help ... stupid, incoherent story of a rite of passage with music that has been equaled but never topped.

I'm sorry, my friend.

Ink Hulk, everyone has already beautifully expressed my same thoughts for you. So sorry you are feeling these yucky feelings when by now it seems you were feeling past most of the misery. (Maybe that was the poison in the Trojan Horse gift?)

I always wonder about the offenders who develop remorse only after the damage they caused has become irreversible. I wonder what the he##.

Better days are ahead for you.

I don’t ever know what to say anymore. I really don’t. And everyone knows that I am hard to render speechless I have started to respond a couple of times. I will just say, as always , I am so sorry to see where things are for you and I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:01 PM, Friday, April 18th]

Your wife's behavior is so... for lack of a better term... "on brand."

She could've just let the day pass and said nothing.

Or she could've had a conversation with you about it.

But no, she always chooses option c: the most passive-aggressive thing she could possibly do.

I know this is the last thing from your mind but I was trying to think of anything positive, and all I could come up with is that as a gift, this would not be divided among marital assets. Weak, I know. Hang in there Ink.

Your wife's behavior is so... for lack of a better term... "on brand."

We’ll just call it an affordable mistake, then?

I will never understand her and I’m well past trying.

Thank you all for your well wishes and kind words. They continue to help immensely.

I am sorry friend, both that your D is going so slowly and that you are feeling the pain of what was wasted with your STBX-WW. All I got to say.

With that said, maybe look on the bright side, and so I have to ask....did she get you something good?

Good scotch is good scotch. Enough said...

If she got you a nice watch or a nice shirt, well that will come in handy when you start dating again. Women luv themselves a sharp-dressed man! As in that song by ZZ Top

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:54 PM, Friday, April 18th]

Hi IH,

My heart also goes out to you.
But even when your WW doesn't make sense and even may cause such painful confusion, I hope that you continue to receive great joy from a growing and healthy relationship with your children.

Continuing to pray for you and your family brother,
FaWH

Shit Ink. So sorry my friend. I watch your story unfold like a preview of mine. Just a matter of time before I’m in your boat, but thank god I found a great IC who is really getting me to see my value, and that makes it easier to move on. Like you, I sometimes view my past as a waste but my overthinking brain refuses to say it was all a waste, there were good times but everything evolves and we all either evolve together or apart. It is truly sad but I, and I hope you, can envision a much brighter and happier future. As god as my witness, I will eventually sit down and share a cold one with you my brother. Stay strong buddy.

Here’s hoping things have improved for you.

A gift? Hmmm…..trying to assuage the guilt IMO.

As my mother always says "time to stop looking in the rearview mirror".

Things can only get better.